Farewell

I've decided I'm going to start another blog. Actually I'm just going to relocate entirely. This ended up being more of a diary than I had initially wanted and I feel too exposed now. My words will never fade nor would I ever wish them to. I just need a better place where I can weave pictures again without the sides tinged in my self pity or melodramatic world. If you want to read it once it's up, just let me know and I'll post the new link.

So Many Things

There are so many things I need to say you.
The words just ache to drip from my lips.
Swallowing them back, I must bide my time.
You will be leaving soon for a fight not ours
and our last moments cannot be of my need.

There are so many things we have left to do.
But there are not enough ticks left in the clock.
It was my fault we were apart, lost in time.
And I fear now we will be more than lifestyles away.
It will be new worlds keeping us from one another.

There are so many things you must be feeling.
This might be the first I have ever taken the blame.
Shock is first, guilt is next, grief takes last.
Our eyes show there is a reason for my repentance.
Look away but I know you love me still.

There are so many things that have me reeling.
The memory of our first kiss is just as sweet
and if I pause, I can hear my heart beat in you.
If there is a time and place for everything, it is now.
The thought I hold has us as pawns of Fate's game.

There are so many things hanging in the air.
Please come back to my arms safe and sound.
Will our love fade like sidewalk chalk in the rain?
Do not fall for another while we are day dreaming.
How soon till you see others are far more than me?

There are so many things for us to share.
Each night, my future plays at the drive in.
Wearing more than your class ring, I see us.
Grown figures of you and I mouth the lines of love.
The dawn of day has me waiting for this to be true.

There are so many things over which we will cry.
The touch of your hand I will miss the most.
You calling my bluff in love letters is not the same.
Familiar scents are salt licking at the wounds.
When I reach, only air fills the void you leave.

There are so many things awaiting you and I.
Endless, sleepless, loveless nights are looming.
The tight embrace in two year's time feels warm.
I keep hope time will pass as fast as tears fall
and you keep hope for the chance stars will cross.

You are pathetic.

Pathetic. That should be your first, middle, and last name because you are, in every sense of the word, pathetic.

YOU were the one who approached meme. YOU were the one who was drunk. YOU were the one whining about being lonely. YOU were the one seeking my help. YOU were the one playing mind games. YOU were the one asking if I was interested in you. YOU were the one.

Not I. Oh no. I was the one stupid enough to be listen. I was the one hoping I could help. I was the one trying to make you smile. I was the one who cared.

Never in all our time of knowing each other have you been the one to seek out a connection. That should have been enough warning. Each and every time before it was I and I will admit my fault there. Maybe because I had a school girl crush on you, maybe because I thought I was pretty enough, maybe because we laughed with one another, whatever the reason I believed there was a glimpse of something more or at least something that could be. I should have known. I should have listened to all the voices telling me to run, screaming that my first instinct was right.

You are no good. You are a trickster with an adorable smile. You are a liar with a sweet voice. You are a deceiver with care in your eyes. You are bad and I will not bring you to your feet when you come crawling in need. I have spent far too many days crying over damaged goods and broken men. I will not waste one more tear drop on someone like you. I will not care one more minute for someone like you. I will not throw away one more wish to be loved by someone like you. I will only pity someone like you. I will only pity the pathetic.

A Fleeting Moment

I was walking through the park with a melody drifting in my head. It was nice to be alone and not feel the need to match another's step. The grass was green, the sky was blue, the air was sweet. For so long I had forgotten the taste of a warm summer's day upon my skin. A smile played across my lips and my eyes danced along the faces of laughter, love, life. My eyes danced along these faces when they came to rest upon yours. I had not seen you since the bittersweet end of a bitter cold winter. I know it is a cliché thing to have done but my breath did stop. You were smiling, you were laughing, you were wrapped in her arms. I did not know her face, her eyes, her voice, her. I did not know her but I knew she was not me and in that moment, in that moment I realized I no longer love you. I do not know the feeling that washed down me but I know it was not jealousy. It was not pain. It was not anger. It was not hate. It was not fear. It was not and yet it was. My heart did not yearn for you or ache because yours yearned for another. Instead, my soul cried out because I was alone. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. How did I not see that there is no one left by my side? Not a friend, not a lover, not anyone. Since we went our own ways, I got lost in mine. I got lost in my moving on. I got lost. Then I blinked, just a quick every second blink. And there before my eyes, you no longer stood. My mind, my heart, my soul, they played a trick on me and how they fooled me well. Now as my feet grew into the sidewalk I was more alone than before. I was more alone than before because in that moment when you were, I still had the memory of someone. Yet now that is only an illusion, a child's mind game. Someone brushed past me and I caught the scent of her. She smelled of lilacs and honey. She smelled of what I dream and I wished to be her for surely she was loved. My world was spinning and yet I was falling straight down without a single twist or turn. I was falling and I knew how to stop. I knew the way out. I knew. I know. But I am not in a rush to rescue myself because I have nothing, no one to save myself for. I left the park today and I swear I shall not return until I smell of lilacs and honey.

Shh. Don't tell anyone!

The secret to life is....

a warm cup of hot chocolate.

sleeping in on Saturdays.

a summertime rain.

banana splits on the 4th of July.

capturing the perfect shot.

butterflies on a first date.

knowing who your friends are.

a mother's embrace.

a perfect first kiss.

chocolate cookies out of the oven.

blowing the seeds of a dandelion.

a compliment from a stranger.

snuggling with a childhood teddy bear.

a penny on heads.

your favorite pair of jeans.

laughing until you cry.

talking on the phone until two am.

coloring with crayons.

reading a book you cannot put down.

a child's laughter.

getting a card on your birthday.

the ferris wheel stopping at the top.

dancing until your feet ache.

rolling down a grass covered hill.

the first dip of your toes into a creek.

listening to the ocean in a sea shell.

the smell of a loved one.

catch and release.

a hot shower that steams the mirror up.

an outdoors concert.

daydreaming.

getting your hopes up once in a while.

trying even if you will fail.

singing loudly in the car.

forgiving.

a really good hair day.

But the real secret is the one you would never guess...

love yourself, love others, love till it hurts.

And then...love some more.

Let me let you go

Is it possible to ever stop loving your first love? I certainly hope so because I cannot keep playing these games where he comes and he goes and he throws my entire existence in utter turmoil. Listen to me when I tell this:

I cannot love you like I did so why do you expect me to? I am not the same naive, hopeful girl you first kissed under the home bleachers. You are not the same rebel, sweet nothing boy that held me close during our first high school dance. We have changed, we have grown, we have learned. I am still as crazy as the day you met me if not even more so. However, it is more controlled and rational if insanity can ever be classified as rational. My heart still skips a beat in passing but my lips never move fast enough to call your name when my eyes take in her hand clutching onto yours the way my fingers intertwined into yours. You were my first love, you will forever be my first love. But I cannot still love you like I do so why do you make me feel the same butterflies and seasickness? You're more painful when we talk casually on the phone than the months I went just wishing I could hear your voice again. You tell me today that you made a mistake when you refused my love two years ago out of foolish pride. You tell me today you regret losing me. You tell me how your life was nothing until I came into it and I helped you more than I can ever know. You tell me all these sweet nothings like the days we spent in the tall grass my head resting on your chest. You cannot tell me these things when I know, when I know, when I know that I cannot have you like I did. And when you call me your friend, do you know how it hurts? I know you do. I know you do because you talk about how hard it must be to think about her dancing in your strong arms so shortly after they had just held me. I know you know what you are doing to me and I know that you are getting some sick pleasure from it because I know you know I still love you because you still know me and I still know you, no matter how much time has changed us, how much we have grown, how much we have learned. I cannot do this with you. I leave in August for school. You leave in December for the Marines. I cannot do this with you. I cannot spend the next few months falling all over again just to be pulled harshly back into reality. I cannot let myself keep only room for you in my heart when I have so much more love to give and feel. I need to move on. I need to walk away. I need to so badly. But I cannot when you will not let me. So please, please, please if you ever loved me at all, please let me let you go.

He will never read nor hear these words. Instead, I will just fade into his background again until he so desires to bring me into the light. And then I will cherish every blissful moment in the vicious of this first love, this never ending love, this tortuously wonderful love, this pain ridden blessed love, this...this...this is my love.

Rainy Day

like keyboard vomit let's throw some syllables together and paint a pretty picture.

can you do that or is it another thing i have to do all on my own?

watching you now is like seeing a puppy get kicked down a flight of stairs.

but oddly enough, there is no extra beat of my heart in sympathy for you.

some day, some day i will be long gone and happier than i've ever been.

what will you do when you don't have this sad little girl to push around?

everyone thinks you're so cool, so smooth but you know i know.

that must be why you try to hold me down until i cannot breathe.

but believe me, you cannot drown the truth of someone who lives a lie.

everything i do, i did it all for you yet never was it enough.

maybe when this sad scene plays on the movie screen, i'll shed a tear.

we both know the next day i cry for you, over you will be a rainy funeral.

till then just paint a pretty picture with your words reeking of booze.

and i will dance and i will laugh and i will sing and i will fucking love.

i will do all the things you wish you could but have no heart to feel.

i will be everything you dreamed of and you will be nothing to me.

Graduation.

So last night I graduated from community college with a pretty two year Associates of Arts and Sciences in General Studies.

Doesn't that just sound lovely?

It's one of those special moments in life that do not come around very often. You graduate high school, then in four or more years maybe college. It is not every day that you walk across in front hundreds of people in a horrendously unflattering cap and gown. I'm the first of my siblings to graduate anything, let alone college even before I leave high school.

And yet, strangers on the street seem to care more than my dad does. He showed up drunk. He showed up drunk to his only daughter's college graduation.

I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about it. It isn't like I should be surprised. As a matter of fact, I should have expected it from the beginning but part of me hoped that it would be different. He would realize how important a day it was. He would be a loving and supporting father like I see in the movies, like I see when I look at my friends. He would hug me and I would feel happy in his arms for the first time since I can remember. But that was just naive of me. I'm a college graduate now.

Shouldn't I know better?

Chasing Butterflies

Skinned knees but too young to care,

The smell of lilac still hangs in the air.

Daddy said, "Butterflies make wishes come true.

Catching them is all you have to do."

Incoherent Individual

I’ve never been one to go with the flow, to follow the shepherd, to dance in perfect step. But one trait I feel that I share with the majority of people is my inability to decide. I know there are some who are given two options and there is no hesitation as to which path they take. However since I have this subconscious desire to take the road less traveled, I find myself doubting my left and my right. In a world of six billion people, how am I to know the way less chosen? Or is that even possible to do anymore? I heard someone once say that every thought has been wondered, every action has been done, every word has been spoken. Now I know that there are still so many new possibilities that have yet to be discovered in technology, nature, healthcare, and all of those vast subjects. But for a person, for one person, can they truly be an individual anymore without regards to fingerprints and DNA? Take the fact that I love the smell of “wet earth” as my mother calls it. It is the sole aroma in my grandmother’s deep, dark basement and ever since I was younger, I have pressed my cheek against the cool wall with eyes closed. Each time, I would have this strong urge actually to lick the wall because I wanted the smell to dance on my taste buds. Now I confessed this to my mother a few weeks ago in simply a casual conversation and she laughed at it, claimed it was “odd”. Of course, I agree that it is an unusual thought but surely I am not the only one with such a quirk. With that logic, how am I truly an individual when I’m merely sharing various traits, habits, identifiers with millions of others? Physically, I am aware that I am and there will never be another. Looking at my scars, it is slightly weird to think they're mine. It is as if they should be on everyone's skin. But they aren’t. They are only on mine. They are my own beautiful everyday snowflakes. I don’t know if I believe the same of thoughts, feelings, emotions. Since the dawn of time, surely there must have been one other person who has thought the same bizarre ramblings that have crossed my mind. Someone must have felt the same yet varied pull on the heartstrings to prompt rash and passionate actions. There must be, or has been, at least one other person who is as crazy as I am. And if there is, if there was, then what is to keep me from falling in line and drinking the Flavor Aid like a good little girl?

Stork?

I guess I can say it now. It's been twelve weeks and isn't that when people usually spread the word?

I'm going to be an aunt. And honestly, I'm conflicted as to whether I openly celebrate or passively mourn. This may seem slightly mean to say but it's how I'm feeling.

You see, I love my brother. I've loved him since the day I was born and I'll love him until the day I die. As I grew up, I learned how to accept others with disorders because I spent my life loving him despite the pain of him being bipolar. During depressed episodes, he wouldn't come out of his room. He'd simply stay in there and spend hours upon hours on the computer until he fell asleep, face smashed against the keyboard. I'd bring him food and drink. There was this unspoken connection between us and as I've gotten older, maybe it has faded slightly. But though we may have our battles and extreme differences, I know he will always be there for me.

I just don't love his wife. She was his first love and so he will always adore her but ever since they began their relationship, he has spiraled downward to a pit of misery that none of us can save him from. We've all tried but to no avail.

So maybe it seems a little cruel or harsh to you but I'm not sure I'm excited right now. I know when I first hold my niece or nephew, I will love the child more than any aunt has ever done so before. Just...

I'm not there yet.

Nighttime Guardian

flickering back and forth
twitching in the dark air
so beautiful, so dangerous
we cannot help but stare

the words sound cliché
as i whisper in your ear
to tell you sweet nothings
and qualm your endless fear

holding on tight to love
i admit that i am scared too
everything be can so fleeting
and in this darkness, i need you

your hair smells like lilacs
a soft glow upon your skin
as tired you breathes out
and vigilant i breathe in

for the first time i feel safe
as i watch you fall away
and escape cruel reality
till the break of another day

and i will stay to watch you
dreaming in the candlelight
and i will stay always here
protecting you in the night

Lyric

"I can live without you, but without you I'd be miserable at best."

I love songs. I love the rythym, the beat, the melody.

But more than that, I love lyrics because they can be

beautiful. They can be heartbreaking. Sweet. Forceful.

Terrifying. Honest. Uplifting. Joyous. Sad. Hurtful. They

are more than words when someone is singing to you.

And yes, I meant singing to you because isn't that what

everyone really thinks when they listen to a song? It's

about them, for them, because of them, even when it

never really is and we all know that. Still it's hard not to

become lost in a song's world. As for the quote, isn't

it so...ah, I can't even think of an adequate word. It

makes me smile but one of those hesitant, soft smiles

that really only plays at your lips and never fully shows.

I think most people are looking for that, that kind of

love. I know I am because it's the most amazing 

feeling there is, right? And I'm not generalizing it into a

romantic type of love but just one of great need for

the other person like a mother to a child. Is it not

what makes the world go round? 

How?

How can one person be so completely and utterly unlovable?



Oops.

I've said it before and I'll say it until the day I die. I will never apologize for who I am. There are no secrets I hide from the world nor do I pretend to be someone I know I'm not.

I oversleep and sometimes I just skip whatever I'm supposed to do. Most days, I lie, big or small, I'm a liar and I'll admit. At times, I can be a total bitch and despite wanting to be nice, the things I say can be horribly hurtful. But trust me, I'm even crueler to myself. I bite my fingernails and I'm addicted to late night eating. I screen my phone calls and avoid all from my dad. When I get bored, I get needy and whiny. One of my past times is playing games with boys' hearts and I usually end up breaking them before they break mine. Sometimes I cheat on homework and tests and once before even in a relationship. I can get abusive without realizing it because I think I'm being playful but not everyone is as physically tough as me. Since I was 12, I've been dyeing my hair and now I wear make-up and pretty clothes so people notice me for being beautiful. I'm a control freak and I love being the center of attention.

This is who I am and there is so much more to me. Maybe there is more bad than good. But hey, I'm another flawed human being. There's billions of us because nobody is perfect. So don't judge me just because I'm not afraid who I truly am. I am not changing.

 So you can like me, love me, or leave me. It's your choice.

Take Me Away

Give me just a second,
a moment to catch my breath.
I've never felt so swept away
 and I don't know what's next.

Maybe you're used to this.
Maybe you have adventure in your soul.
But I've never been one to run,
one to leave all I've ever known behind.

Being with you is a world on its own.
The land is strange but the air is so sweet.
The water washes the pain away
and I dry by the shine in your eyes.

You make me believe I am strong,
make me feel good enough to smile.
Are you just in my imagination?
Will I wake alone tomorrow?

All I want to do is spend my life with you
and you say I need to give this a chance.
I'm willing, I'm ready, I'm terrified.
The time is now so take me away.

Shockin'.

I realized that I have eight class, four exam days left in school.

Then...it's off to college, the real world.

So why does it feel like my life is ending

when I know it's only beginning?

Heaven.

Missing my past.

"I think you just want someone to talk to,

to hang out with,

and to hold you like this.

I think that's all you really want."

I still remember the night you said that to me and how it felt to be in your arms once again. It's been over two years since we first met. Hard to believe it's be so long. I was younger, childish, loud. And you were so quiet in the seat in front of me. How could I have ever resisted speaking to you? Luckily, or depending on I look at it, unluckily, you smiled at me and told me your name. I swear I probably said your name at least ten times a minute for the next week because I didn't want to forget it, forget you.

When it was my stop, I hugged you and slipped a little piece of paper into your hand. I can still hear your friends talking and laughing as I stepped off the bus. Bet they were so proud of you, the first time you got a girl's number. Was it just one day or two before you called? I don't remember but I do remember looking at the strange telephone number lighting up my cell phone only five minutes after I had finished moaning to my mother about how that cute boy hadn't called me yet.

We talked for hours. And I literally mean hours. Was it 38 that first week? For some reason, I feel it was a little more than that. Obviously, we didn't get much sleep but rest doesn't ever matter much when you're falling in love. God, all the memories of us are flooding back into my mind and I...I miss you.

I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry for thinking you'd break mine first. I'm sorry for all the things I screamed. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry for ignoring your calls. I'm sorry for calling you a liar because you said you loved me. I'm sorry for trying to hurt you. I'm sorry for the desperate midnight calls I made. I'm sorry for toying with you. I'm sorry for taking you back. I'm sorry for walking away again. I'm sorry for trying to make you jealous. I'm sorry for the pain. I'm sorry for the hurt. I'm sorry for all of it, for everything.

If only you knew I've been thinking of you for the past three months, if only you knew I struggle to come up a lame excuse just to text you, if only you knew I stare at your girlfriend's picture in jealousy and envy, if only you knew I wish I could have one more chance, if only you knew, what would you do?

I guess we'll find out in a few months since we'll be at the same school. The other week when I was on campus and we saw each other, did you know the real reason I stared the whole time you spoke? I wanted to memorize your face. I wanted to remember the times we kissed. I wanted you to miss me.

 I told my bestest in December that part of me, a small part but a part nonetheless, that part of me hopes we will get back together this fall and maybe end up spending "forever" together. It's been a little over two years since we first met yet I still have such childish thoughts and hopeless dreams.

Screw you, Society.

Fairy tales are wrong.

Romantic comedies are wrong.

Young adult novels are wrong.

Disney princess movies are wrong.

Country love songs are wrong.

I grew up in love with Prince Charming. I grew up in love with a knight in shining armour. I grew up in love with someone who does not exist.

Except...he does. In my dreams, my heart, my soul. Some mornings or in the middle of the night sometimes, I wake up and feel the need to cry because I am broken hearted. I am disappointed because I had just spent who knows how long with my one true love. The dreams leave me weak and depressed. I know he doesn't exist. And in reality, I will never find this guy. Maybe eventually I will learn to settle for second best. But do I have to settle so soon? Or can I keep loving the man of my dreams?

My Soul Mate

The more I think about it, the more I have begun to feel that I do not have a soul mate. Instead, I think I have many. There are certain people who have come into my life and they will forever be attached to me. I will forever love them, care for them, cherish them, need them.

The other night, I had this dream. After I awoke, I felt it was closer to a nightmare than a dream because I was on the verge of hysterics. In this dangerously close world to reality, I was desperately searching for news of my best friend. I had overheard these girls talking about him being dead, him taking his own life, even though I didn't clearly hear it was him they were speaking of. The boy in question had the same first name but that's all it took for my mind to believe he was dead and nobody had told me. I was panicked and frightened. Nobody I asked or questioned knew what had happened to him, they didn't even know who I was talking about. I became frantic, looking for him, begging people to help me. But nobody knew.

I haven't spoken to him in several months. So for him to appear him my subconcious like that, I was desperately worried the next morning. If something did ever happen to him, how would I know? He and I share a world that nobody will ever be able to enter. It is our shared, beloved mentality. His daily life does not intersect with mine. He lives two hours away and I doubt anyone in his day to day life has even heard of me.

We met in the hospital when both of us needed each other yet hadn't even met. I was nervous, scared as they took my name and I stood awkwardly in the hallway, waiting for a doctor to come. He was with a group of other patients. All of them looked my age, two boys and one girl. I felt digusting, I felt I was being judged, and I could not make eye contact with anyone besides the floor. But he saw me. I don't even recall the first time we spoke, what was said but it was the day after my admission. I remember at one point sitting down from him on the couch and eagerly scanning his hospital bracelet for his name.

Jason.

He became my best friend. Through therapy session after therapy session, organized meals, and immense laughter during recreation time, I began to love him. I sit here and try to think of the words to tell you of what he means to me but I have no way to do that. I left the hospital a few days before him. I guess they thought I was better and more eager to heal than he was. But they were wrong. I only fought to hold on because he was the one holding my hand. I can honestly say I would be dead right now if it was not for him. That is not an exaggeration either. When it came time for me to leave, I had written my name, number, email, address all on a sheet of paper for him. So he could find me. The nurses nearly had a joint heart attack when I hugged him goodbye. Opposite sex contact was forbidden of course but that meant nothing to me. He was my missing half and I was going to hug him goodbye no matter what. And he held me just as tight as I did him.

It was several days before I heard from him and when I did, it was like the chains around my heart dissolved into rain, falling away. We talked every day. He was my lifeline and I was his. There were no secrets between us and I believe there still are none, even if we rarely communicate. We shared this bond that can never be replicated or experienced or understood by others. We still do.

The dream terrified me. I was afraid I had failed, I had let him slip away. However, I did immediately get into contact with him and to my happiness, he is doing well and plans on staying that way. We didn't continue conversation but he has been on my mind since. I wonder if he still knows I love him. I might tell him again in the next few days.

I believe he is one of my soul mates. I will take him in my heart to my grave. Nothing will change that and maybe that's what soul mates are. Not just someone you fall in love with, marry, have children, do the whole fairy tale. Maybe they are the ones who come into your world and will never leave because without them, your world is not worth living. He is my best friend, my soul mate. I wouldn't die for him because every day, I am living because of him, I am living for him.

BPD

What is lost, can it ever be saved?
What is broken, can it truly be healed?
What is scarred, can it actually be cherished?
What is me, can it really be loved?

Don't look at me today.
You won't like what you see
And honestly this is everyday
So you might as well leave.

What is lost, can it ever be saved?

But please don't go too far,
I cannot handle losing you.
Please don't walk away from us
Please don't walk away from me.

What is broken, can it truly be healed?

I hate when you say those things
The way you laugh and smile
I wish you'd just lay down and die
Nobody here needs you.

What is scarred, can it actually be cherished?

Every breath is harder to taste
And I cannot stop the thoughts racing.
Everyone is staring at me,
I hear the horrid things they say.

What is me, can it really be loved?

You do not know my pain, my sorrow.
I hope that you never will.
Though I cannot change the bad inside me
I can and I will protect you from it.

What is lost, I will never be saved.
What is broken, I will never be healed.
What is scarred, I will never becherished.
What is me, I will never be loved.

Don't

Don't make me regret you. I really don't want to. For the time we've been together, I've enjoyed almost every minute.

Almost.

There were times that I do not know why I loved you, why I stayed by your side, why I cared at all. There were days I questioned the basics of our relationship, the underlying structure that was first our friendship. But these moments, they were few and they scattered.

When we were good, we were great. I know at some point that I was happy with you. Now, I have to tell you that I'm no longer in love. You should have seen the writing on the wall, read between the lines. You have noticed something was wrong. Maybe you did, maybe that's why you began to suffocate me, to demand every second of my attention but that only pushed me further away.

I'm not blaming you. Honestly, I'm not. We are both at fault here for believing in and fighting for something that never should have been. I fell for you because you were a conquest and that is no base to build love on. You pushed me away in the beginning and then when I caught your attention, I reciprocated. It was a tug of war between you and I.

Finally, finally, I got the chance I had been waiting a year for. Even after a few months, I knew it wasn't right. I didn't truly love you the way you deserved. I loved you because you loved me, adored me, cherished me, worshiped me. I loved you because I was scared to be alone. Because I didn't want the time I waited for you to be wasted. Because you were safe and dependable. Because I don't truly know what it is to love another.

In the next few days, or maybe in a week or two, I'm going to tell you some of this but not all. If you knew that I haven't loved you for these long months, your heart would be more than broken. And I don't think I can do that to you. I don't want to do that to you. But I think we both know that it doesn't matter what I say, you're going to be hurt, you're going to beg me to stay, you're going to keep loving me.

Yes, this will sound cliché but if you truly do love, you'll let me go. I know that I will not come back to you this time but you need to set me free. We both agreed by time fall comes around, we would say our goodbyes. I'm sorry I have to say farewell before the changing of the leaves. It is that I just do not believe I can spend the next four months pretending that I am happy when I cannot help but cringe at your touch. I will not tell you this either.

I am going to tell you that I loved you with all my heart but the feelings have just faded. That I still want you in my life but maybe not right away. That you're my best friend. That I'm sorry. And you won't believe any of it except that I loved you. You'll believe I still do and you'll cling to that. I beg you now to please do not. Please accept this and move on because I already have.

Growing Up

You are who you always were
And I know who you'll always be
But now I think there's come a time
Neither us of truly know me.

No, not everything is different.
The same old jokes make me laugh,
I still bite my lip when I don't know what to say.
But those are different eyes shining in that photograph.

That girl was young, ready for life.
She was careless, she was naive.
She fell in love heels over head
And promised her lover she'd never leave.

But I no longer know that child,
I no longer have the thoughts of her mind.
I am changing, growing, learning,
Leaving that silly girl behind.

So please do not expect me to stay,
To keep the promises that she foolishly made.
Though I don't know the future,
I believe these next moments of pain will fade.

I loved you once, part always will.
But in my eyes, I know you can see
That the time has come, the time is now.
The girl you loved is no longer me.

Love.

I have fallen in love.

Christopher Newport University.

This past Saturday was a day for the admitted freshmen who possibly will be attending this fall and I went. I went and I fell in love. Prior I already knew it was the school for me. Inside of my heart, I just...knew.

And walking along the beautiful campus, admiring the gorgeous architecture, laughing with the current students, it was home. I was afraid before. I was afraid to leave home, to grow up, to begin my life.

But I'm not now.

Because I'm in love.

Guy Smells

When just right, they make me feel safe.

Loved.

Desired.

Only when just right. Just right for me and I cannot tell you of the way it envelops me, caresses me.

I love them.

It's in his hair, his skin, it sinks into his kiss.

It's everywhere.

And yet I still cannot get enough.

I love this...



A sad little rant.

Can I tell you a secret?


I’m scared. Terrified, actually. In five months, only five short months, I will be moving out and moving into a dorm with a stranger over four hours away from my home and the only town I’ve ever truly known. I can barely handle my life right now with school and friends and family and competitions. How on earth am I going to handle life without the support system that I’ve come to depend on in the past seventeen years of my life? What if I fail?

What if I fail…

Neither of my brothers went off to college like my whole family planned for them to. One has played around in community college for so many years but in May, I’ll be getting an associate’s degree before him. They are smarter than me. Everyone knows that. They never had to try as hard as I have. Everything from math to English came easy for them. And their teachers loved them because they were the perfect students. I fall asleep in class and sometimes forget to turn in my work.

But I’m the one leaving. I’m the one going to a big kid university and I’m not as good as my brothers. What will everyone say about me if I cannot handle it? My family already prefers my brothers and little sister. My grandmother, uncle, and great grandmother love the oh so talented and artistic photographer. My nana just adores the hippie who refuses to wear shoes anymore. And everyone else, every other single person loves my darling, sweet, bashful little sister who does no wrong. Even my dad. Who isn’t her dad. Even he prefers her over me.



If I fail, they’ll just have another reason not to love me.

Love me.

The rain is falling again. Would you like to lay with me until the morning light? We can hold each other in the dark until this world falls completely apart and all the stars in the sky align to lift us up above. Everything will be perfect and we’ll never need to cry because we’ll never have to hurt.

No?
It’s okay, I understand. No one wants to lay down forever anyways.

The sun is out now and the rain is all gone. Do you want to go pick flowers? We can laugh and spin around and forget that we're all grown and are supposed to keep our feet on the ground. All the colors in the world will swirl around us and we’ll finally see the things artists paint about and singers sing about.

No?
It’s okay, I understand. Flowers always die in the end anyways.

The moon’s high in the sky and everyone’s gone to dreamland. Do you want –

No?

It's okay, I understand.

 What?

Oh...

Maybe I didn't understand.

Maybe I never will.

Maybe in time, you will want to be mine.

But I'm tired of trying and trying to love a love that doesn't care for me.

So I'll be going now.

I'll find someone worth my time.

Rant on "Women"

You know what I don't like? What I kind of actually hate even though that is a strong word?

Girls that can't do anything for themselves. The ones that can't open a jar, hang a picture on the wall, check their oil, pump their own gas, kill a spider, etc.

I'm no idiot - I know that sometimes the damsel in distress card can be played to our advantage. Sometimes it's nice to feel taken care of, or to make a man feel like they're coming to the rescue. I completely understand those points of view and I'm more than willing to admit I will play that card when I know it'll work extremely well to my advantage.

But I can't stand when women play their girl card every minute of every hour of every damn day.

We are tough! We are smart! And unless you are a complete idiot, in today's world, you should be able to figure most things out. Don't be so damn lazy. Don't give into the idea that we are the weaker sex. Because we aren't. We are more than equal to men and I'll be damned if I'm okay with these girls bringing down my gender because they don't want to break a nail.

Never Lose Hope

Look quick!
There!
Do you see it?
A flicker of hope…

In the abyss, in the darkness,
In the endless search
For laughter, light, love, life.

You cannot wait!
Go now!
If you stay too long,
You’ll be ensnared.

Souls of the lost, the damned,
The forgotten by all above,
Remain till the end of time.

Please hurry!
The spark is fading.
You still have a chance,
Unlike me…

Little Miss

Little Miss

you'll go far.

Little Miss

hide your scars.

Little Miss

who you are is so much more than you like to talk about.

Little Miss is a song by a mostly country duo called
Sugarland. I would recommend it to anyone who is interested
because to me, it is just a beautiful and meaningful song
about a girl who is private about how she is really feeling.
She's scarred from things that have happened  in past but
she has hope and faith that it will be okay. Of course, I
 personally relate to it in more ways than one but that isn't
all. Now I will be the first to admit that I'm not musically
inclinced but the melody and the lyrics combined conjure
up such immense feelings that I'm quite amazed when the
song ends that it was just a song. This happens to
me a little more than it should, I suppose. Sometimes I just
get carried away in the lyrics and forget about reality.
Sometimes the lyrics are more of what I want my reality to
be and therefore, maybe I allow myself to get carried away
because then it is easier to pretend. But with this song,
I do not have to pretend as much. I automatically get
swept away in the pictures told through beautiful words.

I like that. I like being swept away. I like feeling something real. 

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win.

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again.

I'm okay.

Damn. Another survey.

1) This is seriously going to get personal, you ready? I don't know any other way to be ahaha!

2) If you were caught cheating, would you fess up? Cheating? I have no clue what you're talking about! My shirt was made with extra monopoly money!!

3) The last time you felt honestly broken? Losing one of my best friends.

4) Are you craving something? Mm some nice tofu.

5) If you could have one thing right now what would it be? My new glasses.
 
6) Would you rather have ten kids, or none? Well I am not having any in the near future but when I'm older, I'd rather have ten than none.

7) What do you hear right now? Good Charlotte ♥

8) Is your bed against more than one of your walls? Two!

9) What’s on your mind right now? Nothing. I can't multitask well. Posting, texting, and singing horribly.

10) Are you there for your friends? I'm there for anyone and everyone, even when they don't want me to be.

11) Last person to see you cry? My mother. She's the only I let see me cry.

12) What do you do when you get nervous? Well as of Wednesday, I'm supposed to take antianxiety meds...

13) Be honest, do you like people in general? I do. But I cannot say people in general like me!

14) How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? It depends how old I will be when I get married. Maybe around 27 to 30.

15) Does anyone completely understand you? I doubt it haha.

16) Do you have a reason to smile right now? Yes, because I am breathing!

17) Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? More than one.

18) Would you be happier if life had a rewind button? Then how would we learn from our mistakes?

19) Do you tell your mum or dad everything? My mum, most everything. My father, hardly anything.

20) Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? It does. I'd prefer them to not.

21) Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone? Golly, I sure hope not!

22) This time last year, can you remember who you liked? My boyfriend.

23) Do you think more about the past, present, or future? Sadly, I would say the past. But I'm trying to change that!
24) How many hours of sleep do you get a night? On average? About six.

25) Are you easy to get along with? Hell to the no. I'm one of the most difficult and complicated girls ever.

26) Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? If I hated her, why would I talk to her? Silly!

27) What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? Vanilla coffee

28) What size bed do you have? Pretty sure it's a queen.

29) Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? Before! So I can get the temp just right.

30) Do you like the rain? I love it actually but only when it's warm. When it's cold rain, then I prefer it to come again another day.

31) Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Of course! Obviously you are since you're reading this! :)

32) Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? Every day it seems like.

33) Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? Adults think I'm a goodie goodie but most know I'm very, very bad news ;)

34) Who were you last in the car with, besides family? Maran ♥

35) What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? I Am Number Four. My weirdest best friend, my wife, my girly girl and her manly man.

36) Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? Mhm.

37) Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? Who hasn't?

38) Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? AHAHAHA! No. My house is disgusting. I would do it at my dad's though.

39) Do you regret a past relationship? They all made me who I am today.

40) Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? It depends who I'd be with!

41) Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? Never.

42) Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? I don't think so...but if I have, I apologize.

43) Do you care too much about your appearance? Probably. I don't like my weight.

44) Are you a jealous person? Extremely and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

45) Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Nah. I have more clothes than I need already.

46) Do you miss anyone? Yes, and yet they are so close.

47) Last person who made you cry? Well it was triggered by my ex but really, my heart is to blame.

48) Does your ex piss you off? Ha. Which one?

49) What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe going to the drive in.

50) Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? Well I've been in a relationship for nine months now so not really.

51) Is there anyone you want to come see you? Not right now. But I'd like to go see them.

52) Have you ever been cheated on? Sadly, yes.

53) Ever given your all to someone who walked away? I was the one who walked away.

54) Do you like cotton candy? Ew.

55) Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? My blog :)

56) Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17? Add ten years and maybe.

57) Do you have siblings? Luckily, I do.

58) Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? Of course!

59) How has the past week been for you? Great! Good. Blah. Exciting.

60) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? About four.

61) What’s on your mind right now? A question put in for the missing 62.

62) Do you have a deep, dark secret? No :)

63) What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping.

64) What is your current mood? Hungry, cold, content.

65) Who was the first person you talked to today? My mama.

66) Will this week be a good one? If not, I'll do my best to make it one.

67) Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? Most definitely.

68) Who were you with last night? My brother and his girlfriend

69) Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Well we got off the phone because I was falling asleep.

70) Next time you will kiss someone? Next time I see my love.

71) Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? For a first kiss, I like the boy to do it. After that, whoever.

72) Do you have any plans for the weekend? I do! :)

Once Upon A Survey

1. Never in my life have I been: in the right place at the right time.

2. The one person who can drive me nuts is: myself, to be honest.

3. High school: I prefer college.

4. When I’m nervous: I never show it.

5. The last song I listened to was: The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

6. If I were to get married right now my best man/maid of honor: Maran :)

7. My hair is: not as long as I want it to be...or the right color.

8. When I was 5: I refused to wear clothes when not in public.

9. Last Christmas: was my favorite.

10. I should be: doing something more productive but I don't want to.

11. When I look down I see: my naked little toes.

12. The happiest recent event was: love.

13. If I were a character on 'Friends' I would be: watching myself in the reruns.

14. By this time next year: I want to be in another state for Spring Break

15. My current gripe is: not having very good self-control.

16. I have a hard time understanding: anything mathematical but that's kind of obvious.

17. There’s this girl I know that: refuses to believe anything that doesn't mesh with her view of the world.

18. If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: my mom!

19. Take my advice: in one ear and out the other, please.

20. The thing I want to buy: isn't on Craigslist right now ahaha.

21. If you visited the place I was born: you'd see a hospital room.

22. I plan to visit: everywhere I get an urge to travel to.

23. If you spent the night at my house: you would never look at me the same.

24. I’d stop my wedding if: my mother could not give me away.

25. The world could do without: marshmallows.

26. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: nothing. I would not want to do that...ever.

27. Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: was original glazed donuts.

28. Most recent thing someone else bought me: lunch.

29. My favorite blonde is: Scarlett Johanson

30. My favorite brunette is: Zooey Deschanel

31. My favorite red head is: my ginger baby I watch every other week or so.

32. My middle name is: Elizabeth.

33. In the morning I: do NOT want to get out of bed.

34. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: pigs.

35. Once, at a bar: I hope to have an amazing story for this one day.

36. Last night I was: trying to practice self-control.

37. There’s this guy I know who: won't give me the time of day because I'm not thin enough.

38. If I was an animal I’d be: an alpha wolf.

39. A better name for me would be: Ava

40. Tomorrow I am: going to the eye doctor. Fun fun.

41. Tonight I am: staying home.

42. My birthday is: on a Saturday this year.

Social Work

The other night, I had a small crisis of self. As most are aware, I pride myself on my ability to perform and act. The past several months, however, I have been lacking in the talent I once expressed. It could be a loss of inspiration or connection to the work. Or maybe it just isn't what I'm meant to pursue in my life.

I sent this to my mother through a text message during my little breakdown:

"Acting is the only thing I'm good at. Without it, I have nothing. I am nothing."

Of course, she very quickly pointed out that that statement in entirely untrue. Her counterargument was the fact I wish to follow a career in social work, most likely in the field of child protective services. At first and for several hours afterwards, I was dumbfounded as to how she thought my choice in career was something that made me special, unique, better.

"Being empathetic is something most people don't have. You don't realize it because you have experienced it your whole life but the majority of people cannot connect to others and put their heart into the problems of strangers. That is what makes you who you are, not acting. Caring."

I guess my mom is right though. I mean, I can be a bitch. Probably, at times, one of the worst you'll ever meet. And when I get hurt, sometimes my initial reaction is to hurt back. However, when it comes to someone in need, I don't care if it the person I dislike the most or someone who loathes me, I will be there for them. I realize not everyone can say that and actually mean it. So maybe I am special.

Only time will tell.

open letter to my love.

To my Soul Mate,


I hope this letter finds you well, and in good spirits... I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I don’t know where you are or what you are doing right now. I don’t know who you are or what your favorite color is, or scent, or dessert. I don’t know how old you are or what you look like when you smile or laugh or cry. I don’t know the touch of your lips or the feel of your warmth. I don’t know I don’t know anything about you, but yet we already know so much about each other.

I can see us on the couch with a plush blanket draped over us. My head is against your chest and I’m practically taking up the whole couch while you’re snuggled into the corner. I let you have control of the remote because we both enjoy the same cliché movies. Or we are in the car and you are driving. I have my bare feet against the dash and sunglasses that are four sizes too big for my face. The wind ruffles your hair and we laugh at some corny joke I make. Do you see that too? I hope you do.

We’ll fight, I’ll cry, you’ll wrap your arms around me. You will be the one person I know I cannot live without…until our children our born. Then I hope you do not get jealous when I cuddle with little Sadielyne instead of you. I hope instead you wrap your arms around us both and feel proud of your girls. I will record you teaching Kristofferson how to throw a baseball and all the times he accidently hits you in the face. We will spend our years together and never regret a moment.

You might be in the arms of another as I write this. You might think she is the only person you will ever need. But that is because you haven’t met me Though I will love others, please realize my half heart beats because you are out there, waiting for your other half. yet. I love you more than you know and I will until my last breath. One day, my love.

Love,

me.

P.S. If you went out to buy me an arrangement of my favorite flowers, do you already know to come home with lilies?

Moving On

Do you remember crying?
Alone, in the dark nights,
Remember the anger?
Remember the fights?

You hated it, did you not?
Despised it every day.
Needed to escape
But you couldn't get away.

You were only a little girl,
Never the one to blame.
Just the victim, the hurt
In their cruel, cruel game.

Nobody knew you cried,
Nobody knew you bled,
How each night, scared,
You wished he was dead.

Have faith, my sweet child.
Those years are past
And though scars will remain,
Nightmares won’t last.

You were strong and escaped
That place you’ll never return.
Left the pain, took the love
You know they’ll never learn.

They are now the ones crying,
Alone, in that empty place,
Remembering your smile,
Remembering your face.

Ever felt...

 like you're all tangled up and you have no idea how to unravel?

Sometimes I wonder.

Maybe it's time somebody told you: You are beautiful and you have always been beautiful.

When you have your head tucked down a little and your chestnut hair falls over your modest face, I mistake you for an angel.

Those times when you laugh under your breath because you do not want to draw attention to yourself, I cannot help but fall deeper in love.

The way your auburn eyes shine, I forget the stars exist in the heavens.

After you slip-up and cover your pale pink lips with soft white fingertips, I lose myself in happiness.

Sometimes I wonder if you know this. Sometimes I wonder if you even notice the way my breath catches as you walk into the room. Sometimes I wonder if you see me smiling at you since I cannot do anything else but smile. Sometimes I wonder if you gaze at me from the corner of your eye as well. Sometimes I wonder if you dream of our first kiss like my nights often do. Sometimes I wonder if you will ever love me because I am madly in love with you. Sometimes I wonder…

But I will never ask. I would never dare. But it is time I told you. You are beautiful and you always will be to me.

Hold Myself Instead

Lying in this room alone,
Listless, languid bed,
No one here, this isn't home.
I'll hold myself instead.

Anger, hatred, loneliness,
Hanging by a thread,
Fighting through the bitterness,
I'll hold myself instead.

Unfamiliar, distant land,
New ground I've never tread.
Groping for a friendly hand.
I'll hold myself instead.

A distant twinkle in the night,
A ray of light is shed,
Coming closer, shining bright.
I'll hold myself instead.

Loving things, the light does say
In confidence's stead,
I'll do it on my own one day.
I'll hold myself instead.

Reaching up, reaching out,
Trying to see ahead,
Erasing fear, erasing doubt,
I'll hold myself instead.


And in this cold, cruel, lonely world,
My face is white with dread.
But fists are clenched, toes are curled,
I hold myself instead.

Trapped Alone

Does it make sense to you
When the light of day dies?
Darkness comes anew
And your sanity falls away.

My mind doesn’t trust itself anymore
And there is little left to believe of reality.
The day is waning as the demons steal fast.
Release themselves inside my head.

Everything seems true inside this hell.
Yet I know they are just nightmares,
Twisting and turning I can’t escape.
Nothing is what it seems.

Let me out; there is no forgiveness
Let me out; my mind is misled
Let me out; I’m imprisoned inside
Let me out; the cage of life

I love you! :)

Dear best friends,

Monday. You forced me to eat outside in the wind and rain and bitter cold. How sadistic are you? Did you get pleasure from my shivers and threat of possible hypothermia?

Don't think all of our wonderful table dancing forgives that!

But today, it was such a pretty day! The sky was such a gorgeous, still blue. Air was warmed by the sun and a gentle breeze ruffled through the leaves. And somehow, I let myself be dragged alon...wait. If I'm the one who drives, am I really the one getting dragged along?

That is beside the point. Our plan for today was to watch a movie in the empty media room. But that didn't exactly work. Someone (not naming names...Maran...) forgot to check their Netflix to see if said movie was available for instant viewing. It was not. So we tried to choose a movie. Apparently, we do not have talent in this area. Instead, my stomach decided food was more important than an attempt at movie watching.

Thus we skedaddled along and gather such important nutrition before heading to the local park to enjoy a nice outside meal. I have to admit I had my doubts at first. Especially considering how our journey on Monday went. And even though we didn't get to play on the playground that much because those horrible little kids were hogging it, today was still great fun.

Thank you for being so amazing.

Love,

me.

ps. I think I still have a ketchup packet.

You Know Who You Are.

When I was younger, I was a good child. In reality, good might be an understatement. I was an adorable, honest, happy, sweet, beautiful girl. My long hair flowed in strands of sand. And my eyes were pools with diamonds at the bottom. My mother dressed me in pink and white checkerboard dresses, pretty skirts that swirled when I spun, and faded blue overalls on days I went adventuring. Either my hair was done up in two dog ears, swaying from each side of my head, or it was left down and flowed down the length of my back. Never did I try to hurt a person nor an animal. Not even the creepy crawlers that lurked under rocks and in the dark corners of my basement warranted any malicious act from me. Instead, they were all investigated and cherished with such childlike wonder and innocence. Teachers adored me because I was inquisitive and incredibly smart for my age. The word 'lie' was not in my vocabulary. Because I was accommodating and gentle, boys and girls flocked to me as their friend. Even older children found themselves playing with me during recess and inviting me to birthday parties with cake decorated in overly intricate frosting. My two bigger brothers would tickle me until tears rolled down my cheeks and hold my hands when they thought the river was too quick for such a little girl to cross alone. At one point, I even begged my mother to have me baptized along with my older brothers and it furthered the idea that I was perfect. I was that twinkle in my mother's eye, Daddy's little princess, the blessing upon my family.

As I got older, my personality, my appearance, my life changed. I do not want to say it was so and so's fault or blame the same people therapists and outside opinions claim is at fault. No, some things happened because I wanted them to happen and others because they would have happened no matter what. That is what happens as time goes on and I'm not ashamed of who I am. Regardless of what people label me as or the vicious words they spew at me, I see no urgent need to change my thoughts and feelings and generally all the little quirks that make me who I am.

My hair has been dyed for nearly six years now and sometimes it's curly, sometime it's straight. When I don't feel my best, I throw it up into a ponytail or anything to keep it out of my face. At one point, I had eight piercings...in each ear. But the top ones made it too difficult to sleep so I let them seal away and only four remain in each. My eyebrow is pierced just like my mom's and I got my first tattoo a few weeks after turning sixteen. I have designs and ideas for at least four more. Maybe I will follow through with them, maybe I won't. That's another change. I cannot keep one idea constant for more than a week. When something new comes along, I will be one of the first to indulge and the first to move on. I've kissed more than my fair share of guys. Honestly, it would be a little tricky to even count them all. And I've kissed a couple of girls. Many people might think that is horrible, sinful and I'm going to hell. But I don't think I can go somewhere if I do not believe it exists. My mother almost disowned me when I told her a few years ago I lost the faith she had raised and nurtured me in. Sometimes she tells me she does not know why she ever wanted a girl, other times that if she had had me before my brothers, I'd have been an only child. Still, we have an amazing relationship and I'm not embarrassed to admit that when it comes down to the facts, my mother is my best friend. I do have other friends. But I think the definition of a friend is really nonexistent. There are people I like to hang out with, there are ones who I run crying to, others still who only hang around because of the dirty little secrets we share. My grades have wish washed throughout the years from straight A honor roll to having six weeks spent in summer school because I just didn't feel like doing my English work as a sophomore. I still can run mental circles around nearly every child, teenager, young adult, and many adults in this small town. And I love to lie. Sometimes I do it just to see if I can get away with it. Very rarely do I lie to dear friends and family about anything important but something inconsequential like saying I went out on a hike or with a friend when I really stayed at home and drifted from the tv to the computer.

That is who I am. That is who I plan on staying. When I go to university in six months, across the state from my family, I won't lie and say I will be a good little girl like I was. That means sometimes my plans will include drinking, illegal activities, sins. I plan on living my life and having fun. There are so many things I want to do and experience before I settle into the mundane life society will eventually force on me. A career, husband, children, while I look forward to them, I also fear them. I do not want to be in a rocking chair and telling my grandchildren about all the things I wish I had done. I want to enthrall them with wild stories and crazy times where I laughed and I cried and I loved and I lost. But most of all, I want to know I had a life that was worth living and I did not hide myself away because I was too scared to take a risk. We all die. We may end up in a heaven or a hell, a new body or galaxy, or we may just end. And if my choices are not your style or they sicken you, then you have no obligation to be in my life so you can continue to judge me because we are different. I am not ashamed of who I am but I do pity you for thinking I should be.

Always Time to Smile

In the past, I tried to keep a secret my depression and inner misery from the outside world. There have been days I believed it physically impossible to drag myself from bed and face society with such a forced smile. Other times, I managed to gather enough strength to take on the day. The last few months, however, I have been more lenient with my emotions and I haven’t tried so hard to shove them down into my soul where they rot me from the inside out. But the point of this isn’t my mental status…too much.


Just over a week ago, I broke the heart of my best friend. We had been blissfully together for eight months. Or so he believed at least. In early December, I found out this horrible secret he had kept from me. Maybe he truly thought I already knew, maybe he just said that so I would stay. Of course, I tried to walk away then but I’ve never been one for being alone. His tears and apologies brought me back. In January, the side of him I always knew existed but ignored decided to remind me of its miserable presence. Again, I worked up enough nerve to tell him I no longer wanted to remain together but not enough to follow through when he cried and pleaded and begged me to stay.

Since then, I’ve slowly been letting go of myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I have been soaring downward in a spiral that will only end when I have no where left to fall. But today, I realized this more so than I have in the past several weeks. I guess what I am saying is no more. I will not let myself drag my heart and soul through anymore misery just to feel something when I know I am perfectly capable of loving myself because I am beautiful. I am smart and considerate. I know how to laugh at myself and make others laugh as well. I am talented in many aspects. My friends, I allowed myself to forget I truly had friends. But I now know I do. And they deserve better than this lump of forced happy. I am nice and kind and generally a good person.

I deserve more. I deserve to be happy and not fake it. I deserve love from others but mainly from myself. I deserve it. And I am stopping at nothing to make sure that I finally get it.

Night, Beautiful.

Dancing in and out, in and out of the haze,
a gaze of a dark shadow alone.
Footsteps echo the hallways of her heart.
Silly girl, she is just another unknown.

Whisper to the stars not to shine tonight
but they sparkle like dew on the blades.
No one hears what is not truly there
behind locked doors and drawn shades.

Fingers twist into her honeysuckle hair,
tugging, pulling, ripping, screaming to feel.
Yet the scene is as numb as ice in a soul
and time has passed too long to heal.

Who are you to judge a tortured pet
of a sick child playing in the sky?
Forced birth, forced life, chosen death.
And no one will ever ask why.

FYI

So the past few days, I've been going through my older posts. And I have to say, I retract the statements in my very first post....

Kevin is NOT awesome.

Prom Dress

Looking in the mirror, she was no longer a child. The jade eyes staring back her held no innocence or naivety. Instead, they held secrets, whispered tales of love, bemoaned stories of pain, and shone with promise of life.


She gazed at the young woman in the reflective glass. Ebony hair fell in twisting locks down against her bare shoulders. A few strands slipped over onto her chest and contrasted against her snowy skin. Turning slightly, she could see the rest cascaded down her back. The skin it adorned was pale and soft to the touch. The tips of her fingers reached and gently graced her left cheek. Then they glided down to her scarlet lips curled in a reticent smile. Continuing, her cool fingers tickled the flesh of her neck, the hollow of her collar bone, the top of her breasts till she met the frame of her deep pink dress.

Her fingers trailed down the edged fabric, around the flowers traced in sequins and rhinestones. Both hands grasped at the material flaring from her hips and reached out. She began to spin and spin and spin. Her laughter rang out and bounded from mirror to mirror as she stared at the ceiling in ecstasy. Soon, she fell with her knees tucked under and head resting upon her arm.

In an instant, she began to sob. Tears sprang from her eyes like rain from an angry sky. She shut them tight against the world. Her shoulders shook and coiled herself into a ball. Years of memories washed over her.

With hair in dog ears, waddling in the red dirt after her older brothers. The day she tied her shoes all on her own. That first day of school, more scared than looking in the closet at night. Running into her mother’s loving arms because little children didn’t understand how much words can hurt. Butterflies when the cutest boy in middle school looked at her. When she learned danced carefree, no matter who was watching. The echo of her footsteps down the hallway of a new school. Her first wonderfully amazingly magical kiss. The tears from losing of her first love. The morning she woke up and realized life goes on. The first time she stepped onto a stage, into the spotlight. How her favorite teacher praised such a silly girl. Taking a horrible picture at the DMV for her learner’s permit. The moment her fingers closed around the steering wheel. Fear rushing into her heart when the car hit the tree. Crying to sleep in her mother’s arms. Crashing her scantily clad body into a pool of crisp water because she didn’t want her friends to think she was scared. Winning first place again and again and again. The disappointment of winning second place again and again and again. Kissing for the first time in the rain. Flirting with a cute boy whose name she didn’t know. The first moment she thought of herself as beautiful. Surprise and joy as she ripped open her acceptance letter. Playing hide and seek in the grocery store. Sneaking into R rated movies because her friends forgot ID. The rush of arguing with her professor. Breaking his heart. Noticing how many friends she truly had. How hard she worked on a Saturday morning at school. A secret crush that everyone knew. Filling out her form for graduation and ordering her cap and gown.

Her life collided together in that one moment and she could no longer control the sadness of growing up. For so long, she dreamed of the day she could run away, the day she would escape. Now the days were rushing faster and faster. She screamed inside her head for everything to slow down and give her one more day as a child. But the seconds ticking away on the clock and they grow louder in her ears. Slowly, her eyes began to open.

Looking in the mirror, she was no longer a child.

Clichés

here come the clichés:

it's not you, it's me.
i still want to be friends.
i love you but i'm not in love with you.
i just can't be in a relationship right now.
be honest, it doesn't matter what i say.
you won't hear the pain in my voice.
instead you'll hear your heart breaking.
and i will apologize again and again
and again and again and again and again.
silence only exsists until you bite back.
and i can feel you shutting down.
but in reality, what did i expect?
we both know you never saw it coming.
left hook, right jab, knife in the heart.

your tears make me glance back
into our lives, the memories we made.
please don't forget them after this
please don't think our love wasn't
because once upon a time, it was.

it's the same story, just different names,
different times, different places.
if possible, i'd erase and rewrite the ending
but they wrote it all down in ink.
so prepare yourself for the clichés.

five minute fiction

One day, we'll go north.
North until the end of the world.

Our tongues will catch ice crystals
and our souls absorb the auroras.

Beauty will be in the eye of the beholder
With no right or wrong, just real.

Warmed by laughter and love,
nothing can slow us down.

Till the lights from the sky dance in your eyes,
darkness will soothe with a lullaby.

North until the end of the world.
I dream one day, we'll go north.

five minute fiction

they tell me they know how i feel?
well you can go ahead and lie to me too,
i think we both know the truth.

everyone is alone in a crowded room
but do they know the loneliness in heart?
it's the fear of never knowing love.

yet how those three little words spew!
too much, they say to the young.
too little, they say to the grown.

in a form or another, you know.
you know the taste and the touch,
something a kid like me only dreams of.

but night turns to day and life goes on.
they tell me they know how i feel?
i wish i knew how they feel.

La la la la.

I'd sing you a song,

If my words could keep a tune.

And we know I can't do that.

So, baby, I got you the moon.

Do you love me now?

A Quote to Think on

"You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry."

I think this is one of my new favorite quotes. To be honest, I'm a bit of a sucker for quotes. Sometimes I simply get online just to look them up. For some reason, it makes me feel a little more secure. I guess it's because when I read a quote which I identify with, it reminds me that there are others who sometimes feel the way I do. Other times, it's because they've said exactly what I wanted to say but couldn't find the words. 

The reason I love this quote, I can't justly explain.

Maybe because my heart believes it to be true. Knowing what brings tears to someone's eyes is usually a very intimate fact and once you reach a point where you're allowed to see that raw and vulnerable side, your relationship takes on a more personal tone. I feel if I can trust someone enough to see me cry when I'm sad, then I would struggle daily if I lost them.

But maybe not. Maybe not because my head believes it is a lie. In today's world where people who have known each other a day profess their undying love for one another and a week later have a new beloved, emotions and intimacy are kind of jokes. Take me for example. I trust too easily yet I never trust enough to give myself fully. At any given point in a relationship, I can shut myself down and walk away without blinking an eye. But when I turn my back on that person, chances are that he knows more than I should have ever let him know.

I'm not as afraid as I used to be of telling people what I really feel and how their words wound me. But I still do not cry in front of my friends because I don't want them to see me as weak or pathetic. I do not cry in front of my beloved because I don't want him to hurt as he sees my tears. I may cry in front of my immediate family but I hate myself afterwards.

This is possibly why I've yet to truly cross into that needing of each other in a relationship. Well, let me rephrase that and please don't think of me as heartless. I have an ability, as I said before, where I am able to shut myself down and not let the loss of a love affect me. But the person I'm leaving behind, he needs me. He...needs...me.

I think that scares me. I don't ever want someone to become dependent on me because what happens the day I'm not able to live up to what they want and need? Reality will come crashing down on them that I am not the wonderful, amazing person they thought I was. And I guess losing them is easier than seeing the disappointment washed upon their face.

Oh me, oh my. I seem to have rambled off a little. I do apologize. But nonetheless, it's a good quote, is it not?

Sickness

I'll make this one short and sweet. Quite sorry for being away but apparently my immune system has some unresolved and disturbing emotional issues with me. Ever since I was a young thing, I've had a problem with getting sick. Nothing so serious I became a bubble baby...well...I did have to stay in a bubble when I was a few months old for a week or two. But that's beside the point. There's no real reason I get sick so often. Apparently I'm just one of those kids, ya know?

It's like, during second grade, I missed approximately 45 days of school out of a 180 school year. That's way more than normal. Of course, even then, I was decently advanced so they couldn't justify a reason for holding me back since I was absent so many days and still had the best grades. Thank you, crappy education system. We always thought it'd get better as I got older....

We were wrong. In late December, I found out I had mono. It was actually a little surprising. I've always been a sleeper so when I started going to bed at 10pm, waking up at 8am, napping 1pm to 5pm, rinse and repeat, I didn't even notice it really. Sleep is usually my way to cope with some overwhelming stress or sadness so it's normal I go through deep sleeping phases. Then one Friday morning, well I should say afternoon since it was around 12:30pm, I awoke with a sore throat. By four, one of my tonsils became incredibly swollen and covered with those gross little white spots that I've never been able to figure out what they are. I forced my mother to take me to the doctor that evening.

I cried the whole weekend because I couldn't swallow or breathe and I was just plain miserable. Finally the test results came back and hey! I had mono. So now that it's January and I'm finally getting over the silly kissing disease, I got the sniffles. No big deal right?

Wrong. Those gosh darn sniffles turned into a sinus infection this past weekend. I had competition several hours away and instead of whining to my team members and coaches, I just sucked it up. Monday comes and I am coughing like I'm trying to give birth through my throat. I managed to drag myself to the doctor (the first time EVER by myself) and this is where I was told about the sinus infection and...

Bronchitis! Are you kidding me? I hate my immune system. Therefore, I've been in a constant state of coughing, hacking, whining, sleeping, and popping pills like they were Pez candy. It's not fun. Trust me. But I think I'm finally on the mend so I shall be posting more soon. Hopefully. If not, I've probably got pneumonia or scarlet fever.

Questions.

Do you believe innocence can ever last?

Does true love really exist?

Is beauty truly in the eye of the beholder?

Butterfly Effect

I just finished reading this book...

I doubt I have read anything more soul wrenching in my all years of reading. Now I'm sure somewhere in time and space, I have chanced upon something just as gut twisting but this story broke my heart.

Hannah Baker records the defining moments of the past few years of her life onto seven audiotapes. Thirteen stories involving several people at her school. She packs the tapes into a shoebox and mails them to the first person on the list. Then, she goes home to kill herself.

Two weeks later, Clay Jensen comes home from school to find a box with no return address leaning against his front door. Inside are seven audiotapes, their sides labeled 1 through 13 in blue nail polish. He has no idea what’s on the tapes, which is kind of exciting…until he presses PLAY.

With Hannah’s voice as his narrator, Clay spends the rest of the night wandering through town, visiting places mentioned on the tapes, unearthing the thirteen reasons why Hannah chose to kill herself. And one reason belongs to him...

The worst part of the whole story is, and this might be considered a spoiler to some, there was not a single good reason she should have taken her life. It was essentially a snowball effect in which one rumor started the spiral of her high school life down and down and down until there was no light left for her to find the way back.

For someone who has had numerous rumors about her told and spread like a horribly infectious virus, I literally had to hold back my tears because I know exactly where Hannah came from and all the miserable things she felt. The other day, a group of friends and I went to lunch. This one boy whom I've known since kindergarten and had played at his house all through elementary school informed me that when I transferred schools my freshman year of high school, the rumor started that I had left because I had been through every boy there and needed new ones.

Up until I transferred, I had only had one boyfriend for about a month the previous year. Sure there were kids I had crushes on and girl friends who I discussed these little puppy love fantasies with but how in the world could people possibly have called me a whore and a slut so early on?

Understandably now, if they call me those names, I no longer flinch because I suppose I have given some reason in a small way. I'm not saying I've slept with all the guys in the tri-county area but yes, I have had more boyfriends than I can count on one hand, possibly two depending on your definition of a boyfriend and a relationship. But in high school, why should this stuff matter so much?

I'll tell you this. It shouldn't. It does but it should not. So many boys and girls grow up damaged and scarred forever because of the trauma they are forced to experience every single day of high school. I've been gone from that school for essentially two years and I can still go to a bathroom and see my name scrawled on the stall, calling me a whore or a slut or a tramp. I try not to let it bother me as it once did and it helps that I've somehow managed to attract some pretty awesome people as friends.

Still, after reading this book, I guess the reason it affected me so much was because I reached out and took a second chance. Hannah just waited and waited for someone to come and offer her one. It was kind of like reading about if I had just changed that one night.

I highly recommend it, even if you aren't a silly emotional girl.