In the past, I tried to keep a secret my depression and inner misery from the outside world. There have been days I believed it physically impossible to drag myself from bed and face society with such a forced smile. Other times, I managed to gather enough strength to take on the day. The last few months, however, I have been more lenient with my emotions and I haven’t tried so hard to shove them down into my soul where they rot me from the inside out. But the point of this isn’t my mental status…too much.
Just over a week ago, I broke the heart of my best friend. We had been blissfully together for eight months. Or so he believed at least. In early December, I found out this horrible secret he had kept from me. Maybe he truly thought I already knew, maybe he just said that so I would stay. Of course, I tried to walk away then but I’ve never been one for being alone. His tears and apologies brought me back. In January, the side of him I always knew existed but ignored decided to remind me of its miserable presence. Again, I worked up enough nerve to tell him I no longer wanted to remain together but not enough to follow through when he cried and pleaded and begged me to stay.
Since then, I’ve slowly been letting go of myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I have been soaring downward in a spiral that will only end when I have no where left to fall. But today, I realized this more so than I have in the past several weeks. I guess what I am saying is no more. I will not let myself drag my heart and soul through anymore misery just to feel something when I know I am perfectly capable of loving myself because I am beautiful. I am smart and considerate. I know how to laugh at myself and make others laugh as well. I am talented in many aspects. My friends, I allowed myself to forget I truly had friends. But I now know I do. And they deserve better than this lump of forced happy. I am nice and kind and generally a good person.
I deserve more. I deserve to be happy and not fake it. I deserve love from others but mainly from myself. I deserve it. And I am stopping at nothing to make sure that I finally get it.