New York ♥

New York. I've never been. Actually I've not been anywhere really. Of course I plan on changing that. Starting with New York. I'll be there next summer, one way or the other. Hopefully, it will be with a group of close friends but if not, I'm not entirely scared of going by myself. I am beyond excited. I wish there was a word for the level of anticipation I am experiencing. I think I shall invent one.

fluzatration - the feeling of pure excitement, anticipation, and eagerness

So there. I am absolutely...fluztrated? I didn't really think that one through but eh, I don't want to hit backspace. That button gets way too much action. Such a whore. But nothing compared to the space button, ya know? Anyway, I am fluztrated. I also have a tinge of fear that I'll fall in love with the city and never be able to come home. I mean, I plan on living there one day or at least spending a large amount of time there but I'm not ready yet. It's too soon and I don't want to be a big girl yet. I still like crawling into my mom's bed Sunday morning. I'll miss that. Ah I'm such a mama's girl. Like my brothers but different. They are in their twenties and just managed to move out to a house...less than twenty miles away! I cannot imagine what it'll be like when I'm states away, countries away, oceans away! Because I will be. That's a promise. And New York, oh, New York is the first step.

Time will tell...

Perhaps I'll be honest
And tell you my truth.
But not now, my love,
I've too much to lose.

I fear you won't understand
Or you'll throw me away.
So I'll keep this secret
Until I know I'll be safe.

I trust you, I do.
But there's more to me
Than I care to share.
And your pressure cuts deep.

I've been wasting time,
Hoping you'd remain content.
Yet I see it in your eyes now,
All fun and no reality is ending.

In your heart you know.
In your mind you know.
But between you and me,
Can it remain unspoken?

It is my burden to bare.
And I choose not to,
At least not to now
Because you still love me.

Oh Kill Me

How can I tell you how much I love you?
Brief words don’t explain,
And forever takes to long.

However, you must hear of
The deep uncontrollable addiction,
I seem to have developed, for you.

Yet all the fighting, us, together yet disconnected,
I feel fetal around you, new, un-torn.
Fresh purity is my being with you.

Sweet glances are given, all
Is to cleanse you from past apparitions,
And feed me with my guilt.

Because now, a mistake sharing,
Closeness and intimacy with another,
Causes disruptions in our lives.

Foul words like snakes fall twisting,
Poison from open mouths that breath,
Smoke like snap dragons.

Lying here, breathing feels like a chore,
My chest, unclothed, weak.
You're the albatross crushing my heart.

I am trying to touch those,
Deep scary sensations, its impossible,
Almost to capture anything,

You shall forever have visions of something more,
I can feel my blood in my veins,
Hurting as it rushes circling in arteries.

First Place

No one likes to be let down
And no one likes to disappoint
So why, why, why the pressure?

When we're racing to win,
Is there even a prize at the end?

You have to do better,
You have to be better,
When it'll never get any better.

When we're racing to win,
Is there even a prize at the end?

All work and no play, no no,
Same ol' same ol', day after day.
Laughter don't live here now.

When we're racing to win,
Is there even a prize at the end?

If you stop to take a breath,
The world is going to pass by
So who really needs oxygen?

When we're racing to win,
Is there even a prize at the end?

Waking and Sleeping

Ice crystals form like webs, binding.
Twisting in the sheets, seeking warmth.
I'm lost somewhere in the in-between of

waking and sleeping.

Light rays peek in through dirty glass
But they smile at me to no avail.
Fall to winter is the season of

waking and sleeping.

My heart craves laughter's echo
But the cocoon of comfort is deafening.
Never will I tired of

waking and sleeping.

Hurt vs. Mad

I'm not mad.

I'm hurt.

Please understand that.

You people look at me like I don't have feelings, like I'm invincible, like cut me and I won't bleed. But I do. I bleed and I cry myself to sleep because you all think I'm so strong when I am truly not. I'm scared and worried and fragile. They laugh and make jokes about me being a whore or a slut, about how I don't deserve respect. And I laugh with them because at least then, they stay around.

If I tell you that you've hurt me, you'd roll your eyes.

You think it's funny.

But I don't.

I lack friends because I'm too afraid of letting them in. It is my fault you don't see my pain. It's because I don't let you. But I am tired of it. So tired, friend. I'm tired of smiling so the tears don't fall, laughing so no one knows it hurts. Please know, I'm not mad.

I'm just tired of being hurt.