Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Let's make it official.

I decided this a few days ago but just now realized I needed to acknowledge elsewhere besides my mind. I'm taking a sabbatical from blogging. It's not you and it's not me. It's the loss of inspiration, motivation, creation. And I'll be honest, I know why it's all gone.

See I haven't had the best life and for the most part, I keep it hidden from the people in my reality and I've been keeping a lot of it from you too. Maybe when I come back, we can start fresh and I'll tell you all the sad things that give me a purpose to write.

To make things sweet and short, I've had many people say I'm many things but the most common is BPD. Borderline personality disorder. I don't know, I just think it's a really fancy way to say "prone to mood swings and over-sensitivity". But it sucks nonetheless and starting in April, I began a new anti-depressant.

If it's helping, I guess I'd be the first to know, right? Except I don't really. I mean, things have been a lot easier and a lot more seems to be going well but I don't like the lack of writing. It's an out for me to distract me from more damaging consequences. Without it, I'm confused and awkward feeling.

So I'll be back soon. Once I find something or someone to give me cause to words, I'll return but right now, right here, there's nothing I need to say that seems of any importance to anyone. I'll try to make this short because I don't want to be gone and be forgotten.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Complications of Love

I'm a little...conflicted. Is that the word I should use? Or does confused work better? Struggling? Perplexed? Torn?

There's this kid. I don't know if I've talked about him before. But I call him Bunny 'cause we were talking this one time and he was going on about how strong, tough he is, such a beast. And I told him that he was about as beasty as a little, fluffy bunny. It just stuck from there, ya know? He's my Bunny, he's been my Bunny, and he'll always be my Bunny.

But I love him. I love him so much and I have for the longest time. It hasn't always been a romantic love, at first it was merely that of a best friend. In the past few months, I've grown addicted. Hopelessly, to be honest. I wake up with memories of his smile from dreams and I go to sleep with a picture of him in my mind. So many times throughout the day, my thoughts drift to him, when I'll see him again. We don't get to see each other too often. Different schools and his dad is a little overprotective.

Except we had our first date recently. We went to a park and walked around. Down by the river, he tried to teach me how to skip stones. His hand wrapped around my tiny one and I felt my cheeks blaze. The smell of his shampoo in his still damp hair was crisp and sweet. He laughed when the stone I threw sank to the muddy river bed and I reached to smack him but he pulled me close, trapping me in his arms. I looked up and into his honest eyes as he leaned down to kiss me.

When his lips touched mine, I felt like I was dancing in the middle of a storm. Normally his smile, his laugh, his touch sends a gentle shock to my heart and revitalizes my happiness. But that kiss, that kiss was shooting lightning straight into my veins and I never had felt that before. And I can't wait to feel it again.

Yet...I don't know if I can because he doesn't want to be with me. Wait, no, he doesn't want to be with anyone really. And still he tells me I'm beautiful, amazing, so special to him. He'd do anything for me and cares more about my happiness than his. He doesn't want me dating other guys and he doesn't want to date other girls. Talks all about wanting to kiss me, hold my hand, see my smile.

He thinks a relationship right now is silly because a relationship is to find love and we already have that, don't we? My friends say he's using me, abusing my love. Lately, I'm starting to wonder that myself but I don't want to walk away. Not yet. It's too soon and I'm not ready to let him go. So I told him he has until June 25th, my birthday, to claim me as his girlfriend and be my boyfriend. If he won't, then I'm done. I'm gone from his life because I wouldn't be able to move on if I still spoke to him.

Scared. That's the word. I'm scared. So scared.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

[I] don't [need] [you.]

Can you stop talking
You say you love me but I know you
So hurry up. Just go ahead and

Monday, May 3, 2010

The best kind of couples

I'm obsessed with becoming wonderful,
But I can't even manage to be beautiful.

Baby make a move before it's too late.
The worst will come only if you hesitate.

I love you completely and madly, I do,
Except I'm not even sure I know you.

He's never going to realize,
Every promise, it's all lies.

It's not that I want to be perfect.
It's that I just want to be worth it.

He can't tell that my heart is breaking
'Cause it's perfect, the smile I'm faking.

There's been so many guys in my bed
And yet he's the only one ever in my head.

You're cute, you're funny, you're smart.
It sucks that you don't have a heart.

Sweet love, oh my, sweet misery,
How you must adore me.

My oh my, how they think I'm stupid.
But it's just...I've been struck by Cupid.

Please don't go, don't walk away.
There's still so much I've yet to say.

Is it really worth all the pain,
His kiss that sends lightning through my veins?

Just because I knew I should,
It didn't mean that I ever would.

I'm never going to be the one.
So forget this, I'm done.