Thursday, April 28, 2011


I guess I can say it now. It's been twelve weeks and isn't that when people usually spread the word?

I'm going to be an aunt. And honestly, I'm conflicted as to whether I openly celebrate or passively mourn. This may seem slightly mean to say but it's how I'm feeling.

You see, I love my brother. I've loved him since the day I was born and I'll love him until the day I die. As I grew up, I learned how to accept others with disorders because I spent my life loving him despite the pain of him being bipolar. During depressed episodes, he wouldn't come out of his room. He'd simply stay in there and spend hours upon hours on the computer until he fell asleep, face smashed against the keyboard. I'd bring him food and drink. There was this unspoken connection between us and as I've gotten older, maybe it has faded slightly. But though we may have our battles and extreme differences, I know he will always be there for me.

I just don't love his wife. She was his first love and so he will always adore her but ever since they began their relationship, he has spiraled downward to a pit of misery that none of us can save him from. We've all tried but to no avail.

So maybe it seems a little cruel or harsh to you but I'm not sure I'm excited right now. I know when I first hold my niece or nephew, I will love the child more than any aunt has ever done so before. Just...

I'm not there yet.

Nighttime Guardian

flickering back and forth
twitching in the dark air
so beautiful, so dangerous
we cannot help but stare

the words sound cliché
as i whisper in your ear
to tell you sweet nothings
and qualm your endless fear

holding on tight to love
i admit that i am scared too
everything be can so fleeting
and in this darkness, i need you

your hair smells like lilacs
a soft glow upon your skin
as tired you breathes out
and vigilant i breathe in

for the first time i feel safe
as i watch you fall away
and escape cruel reality
till the break of another day

and i will stay to watch you
dreaming in the candlelight
and i will stay always here
protecting you in the night

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


"I can live without you, but without you I'd be miserable at best."

I love songs. I love the rythym, the beat, the melody.
But more than that, I love lyrics because they can be
beautiful. They can be heartbreaking. Sweet. Forceful.
Terrifying. Honest. Uplifting. Joyous. Sad. Hurtful. They
are more than words when someone is singing to you.
And yes, I meant singing to you because isn't that what
everyone really thinks when they listen to a song? It's
about them, for them, because of them, even when it
never really is and we all know that. Still it's hard not to
become lost in a song's world. As for the quote, isn't
it so...ah, I can't even think of an adequate word. It
makes me smile but one of those hesitant, soft smiles
that really only plays at your lips and never fully shows.
I think most people are looking for that, that kind of
love. I know I am because it's the most amazing 
feeling there is, right? And I'm not generalizing it into a
romantic type of love but just one of great need for
the other person like a mother to a child. Is it not
what makes the world go round? 

Saturday, April 23, 2011


How can one person be so completely and utterly unlovable?

Thursday, April 14, 2011


I've said it before and I'll say it until the day I die. I will never apologize for who I am. There are no secrets I hide from the world nor do I pretend to be someone I know I'm not.

I oversleep and sometimes I just skip whatever I'm supposed to do. Most days, I lie, big or small, I'm a liar and I'll admit. At times, I can be a total bitch and despite wanting to be nice, the things I say can be horribly hurtful. But trust me, I'm even crueler to myself. I bite my fingernails and I'm addicted to late night eating. I screen my phone calls and avoid all from my dad. When I get bored, I get needy and whiny. One of my past times is playing games with boys' hearts and I usually end up breaking them before they break mine. Sometimes I cheat on homework and tests and once before even in a relationship. I can get abusive without realizing it because I think I'm being playful but not everyone is as physically tough as me. Since I was 12, I've been dyeing my hair and now I wear make-up and pretty clothes so people notice me for being beautiful. I'm a control freak and I love being the center of attention.

This is who I am and there is so much more to me. Maybe there is more bad than good. But hey, I'm another flawed human being. There's billions of us because nobody is perfect. So don't judge me just because I'm not afraid who I truly am. I am not changing.

 So you can like me, love me, or leave me. It's your choice.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Take Me Away

Give me just a second,
a moment to catch my breath.
I've never felt so swept away
 and I don't know what's next.

Maybe you're used to this.
Maybe you have adventure in your soul.
But I've never been one to run,
one to leave all I've ever known behind.

Being with you is a world on its own.
The land is strange but the air is so sweet.
The water washes the pain away
and I dry by the shine in your eyes.

You make me believe I am strong,
make me feel good enough to smile.
Are you just in my imagination?
Will I wake alone tomorrow?

All I want to do is spend my life with you
and you say I need to give this a chance.
I'm willing, I'm ready, I'm terrified.
The time is now so take me away.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I realized that I have eight class, four exam days left in school.'s off to college, the real world.

So why does it feel like my life is ending
when I know it's only beginning?


Monday, April 11, 2011

Missing my past.

"I think you just want someone to talk to,
to hang out with,
and to hold you like this.
I think that's all you really want."

I still remember the night you said that to me and how it felt to be in your arms once again. It's been over two years since we first met. Hard to believe it's be so long. I was younger, childish, loud. And you were so quiet in the seat in front of me. How could I have ever resisted speaking to you? Luckily, or depending on I look at it, unluckily, you smiled at me and told me your name. I swear I probably said your name at least ten times a minute for the next week because I didn't want to forget it, forget you.

When it was my stop, I hugged you and slipped a little piece of paper into your hand. I can still hear your friends talking and laughing as I stepped off the bus. Bet they were so proud of you, the first time you got a girl's number. Was it just one day or two before you called? I don't remember but I do remember looking at the strange telephone number lighting up my cell phone only five minutes after I had finished moaning to my mother about how that cute boy hadn't called me yet.

We talked for hours. And I literally mean hours. Was it 38 that first week? For some reason, I feel it was a little more than that. Obviously, we didn't get much sleep but rest doesn't ever matter much when you're falling in love. God, all the memories of us are flooding back into my mind and I...I miss you.

I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry for thinking you'd break mine first. I'm sorry for all the things I screamed. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry for ignoring your calls. I'm sorry for calling you a liar because you said you loved me. I'm sorry for trying to hurt you. I'm sorry for the desperate midnight calls I made. I'm sorry for toying with you. I'm sorry for taking you back. I'm sorry for walking away again. I'm sorry for trying to make you jealous. I'm sorry for the pain. I'm sorry for the hurt. I'm sorry for all of it, for everything.

If only you knew I've been thinking of you for the past three months, if only you knew I struggle to come up a lame excuse just to text you, if only you knew I stare at your girlfriend's picture in jealousy and envy, if only you knew I wish I could have one more chance, if only you knew, what would you do?

I guess we'll find out in a few months since we'll be at the same school. The other week when I was on campus and we saw each other, did you know the real reason I stared the whole time you spoke? I wanted to memorize your face. I wanted to remember the times we kissed. I wanted you to miss me.

 I told my bestest in December that part of me, a small part but a part nonetheless, that part of me hopes we will get back together this fall and maybe end up spending "forever" together. It's been a little over two years since we first met yet I still have such childish thoughts and hopeless dreams.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Screw you, Society.

Fairy tales are wrong.

Romantic comedies are wrong.

Young adult novels are wrong.

Disney princess movies are wrong.

Country love songs are wrong.

I grew up in love with Prince Charming. I grew up in love with a knight in shining armour. I grew up in love with someone who does not exist.

Except...he does. In my dreams, my heart, my soul. Some mornings or in the middle of the night sometimes, I wake up and feel the need to cry because I am broken hearted. I am disappointed because I had just spent who knows how long with my one true love. The dreams leave me weak and depressed. I know he doesn't exist. And in reality, I will never find this guy. Maybe eventually I will learn to settle for second best. But do I have to settle so soon? Or can I keep loving the man of my dreams?

My Soul Mate

The more I think about it, the more I have begun to feel that I do not have a soul mate. Instead, I think I have many. There are certain people who have come into my life and they will forever be attached to me. I will forever love them, care for them, cherish them, need them.

The other night, I had this dream. After I awoke, I felt it was closer to a nightmare than a dream because I was on the verge of hysterics. In this dangerously close world to reality, I was desperately searching for news of my best friend. I had overheard these girls talking about him being dead, him taking his own life, even though I didn't clearly hear it was him they were speaking of. The boy in question had the same first name but that's all it took for my mind to believe he was dead and nobody had told me. I was panicked and frightened. Nobody I asked or questioned knew what had happened to him, they didn't even know who I was talking about. I became frantic, looking for him, begging people to help me. But nobody knew.

I haven't spoken to him in several months. So for him to appear him my subconcious like that, I was desperately worried the next morning. If something did ever happen to him, how would I know? He and I share a world that nobody will ever be able to enter. It is our shared, beloved mentality. His daily life does not intersect with mine. He lives two hours away and I doubt anyone in his day to day life has even heard of me.

We met in the hospital when both of us needed each other yet hadn't even met. I was nervous, scared as they took my name and I stood awkwardly in the hallway, waiting for a doctor to come. He was with a group of other patients. All of them looked my age, two boys and one girl. I felt digusting, I felt I was being judged, and I could not make eye contact with anyone besides the floor. But he saw me. I don't even recall the first time we spoke, what was said but it was the day after my admission. I remember at one point sitting down from him on the couch and eagerly scanning his hospital bracelet for his name.


He became my best friend. Through therapy session after therapy session, organized meals, and immense laughter during recreation time, I began to love him. I sit here and try to think of the words to tell you of what he means to me but I have no way to do that. I left the hospital a few days before him. I guess they thought I was better and more eager to heal than he was. But they were wrong. I only fought to hold on because he was the one holding my hand. I can honestly say I would be dead right now if it was not for him. That is not an exaggeration either. When it came time for me to leave, I had written my name, number, email, address all on a sheet of paper for him. So he could find me. The nurses nearly had a joint heart attack when I hugged him goodbye. Opposite sex contact was forbidden of course but that meant nothing to me. He was my missing half and I was going to hug him goodbye no matter what. And he held me just as tight as I did him.

It was several days before I heard from him and when I did, it was like the chains around my heart dissolved into rain, falling away. We talked every day. He was my lifeline and I was his. There were no secrets between us and I believe there still are none, even if we rarely communicate. We shared this bond that can never be replicated or experienced or understood by others. We still do.

The dream terrified me. I was afraid I had failed, I had let him slip away. However, I did immediately get into contact with him and to my happiness, he is doing well and plans on staying that way. We didn't continue conversation but he has been on my mind since. I wonder if he still knows I love him. I might tell him again in the next few days.

I believe he is one of my soul mates. I will take him in my heart to my grave. Nothing will change that and maybe that's what soul mates are. Not just someone you fall in love with, marry, have children, do the whole fairy tale. Maybe they are the ones who come into your world and will never leave because without them, your world is not worth living. He is my best friend, my soul mate. I wouldn't die for him because every day, I am living because of him, I am living for him.

Saturday, April 9, 2011


What is lost, can it ever be saved?
What is broken, can it truly be healed?
What is scarred, can it actually be cherished?
What is me, can it really be loved?

Don't look at me today.
You won't like what you see
And honestly this is everyday
So you might as well leave.

What is lost, can it ever be saved?

But please don't go too far,
I cannot handle losing you.
Please don't walk away from us
Please don't walk away from me.

What is broken, can it truly be healed?

I hate when you say those things
The way you laugh and smile
I wish you'd just lay down and die
Nobody here needs you.

What is scarred, can it actually be cherished?

Every breath is harder to taste
And I cannot stop the thoughts racing.
Everyone is staring at me,
I hear the horrid things they say.

What is me, can it really be loved?

You do not know my pain, my sorrow.
I hope that you never will.
Though I cannot change the bad inside me
I can and I will protect you from it.

What is lost, I will never be saved.
What is broken, I will never be healed.
What is scarred, I will never becherished.
What is me, I will never be loved.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Don't make me regret you. I really don't want to. For the time we've been together, I've enjoyed almost every minute.


There were times that I do not know why I loved you, why I stayed by your side, why I cared at all. There were days I questioned the basics of our relationship, the underlying structure that was first our friendship. But these moments, they were few and they scattered.

When we were good, we were great. I know at some point that I was happy with you. Now, I have to tell you that I'm no longer in love. You should have seen the writing on the wall, read between the lines. You have noticed something was wrong. Maybe you did, maybe that's why you began to suffocate me, to demand every second of my attention but that only pushed me further away.

I'm not blaming you. Honestly, I'm not. We are both at fault here for believing in and fighting for something that never should have been. I fell for you because you were a conquest and that is no base to build love on. You pushed me away in the beginning and then when I caught your attention, I reciprocated. It was a tug of war between you and I.

Finally, finally, I got the chance I had been waiting a year for. Even after a few months, I knew it wasn't right. I didn't truly love you the way you deserved. I loved you because you loved me, adored me, cherished me, worshiped me. I loved you because I was scared to be alone. Because I didn't want the time I waited for you to be wasted. Because you were safe and dependable. Because I don't truly know what it is to love another.

In the next few days, or maybe in a week or two, I'm going to tell you some of this but not all. If you knew that I haven't loved you for these long months, your heart would be more than broken. And I don't think I can do that to you. I don't want to do that to you. But I think we both know that it doesn't matter what I say, you're going to be hurt, you're going to beg me to stay, you're going to keep loving me.

Yes, this will sound cliché but if you truly do love, you'll let me go. I know that I will not come back to you this time but you need to set me free. We both agreed by time fall comes around, we would say our goodbyes. I'm sorry I have to say farewell before the changing of the leaves. It is that I just do not believe I can spend the next four months pretending that I am happy when I cannot help but cringe at your touch. I will not tell you this either.

I am going to tell you that I loved you with all my heart but the feelings have just faded. That I still want you in my life but maybe not right away. That you're my best friend. That I'm sorry. And you won't believe any of it except that I loved you. You'll believe I still do and you'll cling to that. I beg you now to please do not. Please accept this and move on because I already have.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Growing Up

You are who you always were
And I know who you'll always be
But now I think there's come a time
Neither us of truly know me.

No, not everything is different.
The same old jokes make me laugh,
I still bite my lip when I don't know what to say.
But those are different eyes shining in that photograph.

That girl was young, ready for life.
She was careless, she was naive.
She fell in love heels over head
And promised her lover she'd never leave.

But I no longer know that child,
I no longer have the thoughts of her mind.
I am changing, growing, learning,
Leaving that silly girl behind.

So please do not expect me to stay,
To keep the promises that she foolishly made.
Though I don't know the future,
I believe these next moments of pain will fade.

I loved you once, part always will.
But in my eyes, I know you can see
That the time has come, the time is now.
The girl you loved is no longer me.

Monday, April 4, 2011


I have fallen in love.

Christopher Newport University.

This past Saturday was a day for the admitted freshmen who possibly will be attending this fall and I went. I went and I fell in love. Prior I already knew it was the school for me. Inside of my heart, I just...knew.

And walking along the beautiful campus, admiring the gorgeous architecture, laughing with the current students, it was home. I was afraid before. I was afraid to leave home, to grow up, to begin my life.

But I'm not now.

Because I'm in love.