Sunday, April 10, 2011

My Soul Mate

The more I think about it, the more I have begun to feel that I do not have a soul mate. Instead, I think I have many. There are certain people who have come into my life and they will forever be attached to me. I will forever love them, care for them, cherish them, need them.

The other night, I had this dream. After I awoke, I felt it was closer to a nightmare than a dream because I was on the verge of hysterics. In this dangerously close world to reality, I was desperately searching for news of my best friend. I had overheard these girls talking about him being dead, him taking his own life, even though I didn't clearly hear it was him they were speaking of. The boy in question had the same first name but that's all it took for my mind to believe he was dead and nobody had told me. I was panicked and frightened. Nobody I asked or questioned knew what had happened to him, they didn't even know who I was talking about. I became frantic, looking for him, begging people to help me. But nobody knew.

I haven't spoken to him in several months. So for him to appear him my subconcious like that, I was desperately worried the next morning. If something did ever happen to him, how would I know? He and I share a world that nobody will ever be able to enter. It is our shared, beloved mentality. His daily life does not intersect with mine. He lives two hours away and I doubt anyone in his day to day life has even heard of me.

We met in the hospital when both of us needed each other yet hadn't even met. I was nervous, scared as they took my name and I stood awkwardly in the hallway, waiting for a doctor to come. He was with a group of other patients. All of them looked my age, two boys and one girl. I felt digusting, I felt I was being judged, and I could not make eye contact with anyone besides the floor. But he saw me. I don't even recall the first time we spoke, what was said but it was the day after my admission. I remember at one point sitting down from him on the couch and eagerly scanning his hospital bracelet for his name.


He became my best friend. Through therapy session after therapy session, organized meals, and immense laughter during recreation time, I began to love him. I sit here and try to think of the words to tell you of what he means to me but I have no way to do that. I left the hospital a few days before him. I guess they thought I was better and more eager to heal than he was. But they were wrong. I only fought to hold on because he was the one holding my hand. I can honestly say I would be dead right now if it was not for him. That is not an exaggeration either. When it came time for me to leave, I had written my name, number, email, address all on a sheet of paper for him. So he could find me. The nurses nearly had a joint heart attack when I hugged him goodbye. Opposite sex contact was forbidden of course but that meant nothing to me. He was my missing half and I was going to hug him goodbye no matter what. And he held me just as tight as I did him.

It was several days before I heard from him and when I did, it was like the chains around my heart dissolved into rain, falling away. We talked every day. He was my lifeline and I was his. There were no secrets between us and I believe there still are none, even if we rarely communicate. We shared this bond that can never be replicated or experienced or understood by others. We still do.

The dream terrified me. I was afraid I had failed, I had let him slip away. However, I did immediately get into contact with him and to my happiness, he is doing well and plans on staying that way. We didn't continue conversation but he has been on my mind since. I wonder if he still knows I love him. I might tell him again in the next few days.

I believe he is one of my soul mates. I will take him in my heart to my grave. Nothing will change that and maybe that's what soul mates are. Not just someone you fall in love with, marry, have children, do the whole fairy tale. Maybe they are the ones who come into your world and will never leave because without them, your world is not worth living. He is my best friend, my soul mate. I wouldn't die for him because every day, I am living because of him, I am living for him.

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