Guy Smells

When just right, they make me feel safe.

Loved.

Desired.

Only when just right. Just right for me and I cannot tell you of the way it envelops me, caresses me.

I love them.

It's in his hair, his skin, it sinks into his kiss.

It's everywhere.

And yet I still cannot get enough.

I love this...



A sad little rant.

Can I tell you a secret?


I’m scared. Terrified, actually. In five months, only five short months, I will be moving out and moving into a dorm with a stranger over four hours away from my home and the only town I’ve ever truly known. I can barely handle my life right now with school and friends and family and competitions. How on earth am I going to handle life without the support system that I’ve come to depend on in the past seventeen years of my life? What if I fail?

What if I fail…

Neither of my brothers went off to college like my whole family planned for them to. One has played around in community college for so many years but in May, I’ll be getting an associate’s degree before him. They are smarter than me. Everyone knows that. They never had to try as hard as I have. Everything from math to English came easy for them. And their teachers loved them because they were the perfect students. I fall asleep in class and sometimes forget to turn in my work.

But I’m the one leaving. I’m the one going to a big kid university and I’m not as good as my brothers. What will everyone say about me if I cannot handle it? My family already prefers my brothers and little sister. My grandmother, uncle, and great grandmother love the oh so talented and artistic photographer. My nana just adores the hippie who refuses to wear shoes anymore. And everyone else, every other single person loves my darling, sweet, bashful little sister who does no wrong. Even my dad. Who isn’t her dad. Even he prefers her over me.



If I fail, they’ll just have another reason not to love me.

Love me.

The rain is falling again. Would you like to lay with me until the morning light? We can hold each other in the dark until this world falls completely apart and all the stars in the sky align to lift us up above. Everything will be perfect and we’ll never need to cry because we’ll never have to hurt.

No?
It’s okay, I understand. No one wants to lay down forever anyways.

The sun is out now and the rain is all gone. Do you want to go pick flowers? We can laugh and spin around and forget that we're all grown and are supposed to keep our feet on the ground. All the colors in the world will swirl around us and we’ll finally see the things artists paint about and singers sing about.

No?
It’s okay, I understand. Flowers always die in the end anyways.

The moon’s high in the sky and everyone’s gone to dreamland. Do you want –

No?

It's okay, I understand.

 What?

Oh...

Maybe I didn't understand.

Maybe I never will.

Maybe in time, you will want to be mine.

But I'm tired of trying and trying to love a love that doesn't care for me.

So I'll be going now.

I'll find someone worth my time.

Rant on "Women"

You know what I don't like? What I kind of actually hate even though that is a strong word?

Girls that can't do anything for themselves. The ones that can't open a jar, hang a picture on the wall, check their oil, pump their own gas, kill a spider, etc.

I'm no idiot - I know that sometimes the damsel in distress card can be played to our advantage. Sometimes it's nice to feel taken care of, or to make a man feel like they're coming to the rescue. I completely understand those points of view and I'm more than willing to admit I will play that card when I know it'll work extremely well to my advantage.

But I can't stand when women play their girl card every minute of every hour of every damn day.

We are tough! We are smart! And unless you are a complete idiot, in today's world, you should be able to figure most things out. Don't be so damn lazy. Don't give into the idea that we are the weaker sex. Because we aren't. We are more than equal to men and I'll be damned if I'm okay with these girls bringing down my gender because they don't want to break a nail.

Never Lose Hope

Look quick!
There!
Do you see it?
A flicker of hope…

In the abyss, in the darkness,
In the endless search
For laughter, light, love, life.

You cannot wait!
Go now!
If you stay too long,
You’ll be ensnared.

Souls of the lost, the damned,
The forgotten by all above,
Remain till the end of time.

Please hurry!
The spark is fading.
You still have a chance,
Unlike me…

Little Miss

Little Miss

you'll go far.

Little Miss

hide your scars.

Little Miss

who you are is so much more than you like to talk about.

Little Miss is a song by a mostly country duo called
Sugarland. I would recommend it to anyone who is interested
because to me, it is just a beautiful and meaningful song
about a girl who is private about how she is really feeling.
She's scarred from things that have happened  in past but
she has hope and faith that it will be okay. Of course, I
 personally relate to it in more ways than one but that isn't
all. Now I will be the first to admit that I'm not musically
inclinced but the melody and the lyrics combined conjure
up such immense feelings that I'm quite amazed when the
song ends that it was just a song. This happens to
me a little more than it should, I suppose. Sometimes I just
get carried away in the lyrics and forget about reality.
Sometimes the lyrics are more of what I want my reality to
be and therefore, maybe I allow myself to get carried away
because then it is easier to pretend. But with this song,
I do not have to pretend as much. I automatically get
swept away in the pictures told through beautiful words.

I like that. I like being swept away. I like feeling something real. 

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win.

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again.

I'm okay.

Damn. Another survey.

1) This is seriously going to get personal, you ready? I don't know any other way to be ahaha!

2) If you were caught cheating, would you fess up? Cheating? I have no clue what you're talking about! My shirt was made with extra monopoly money!!

3) The last time you felt honestly broken? Losing one of my best friends.

4) Are you craving something? Mm some nice tofu.

5) If you could have one thing right now what would it be? My new glasses.
 
6) Would you rather have ten kids, or none? Well I am not having any in the near future but when I'm older, I'd rather have ten than none.

7) What do you hear right now? Good Charlotte ♥

8) Is your bed against more than one of your walls? Two!

9) What’s on your mind right now? Nothing. I can't multitask well. Posting, texting, and singing horribly.

10) Are you there for your friends? I'm there for anyone and everyone, even when they don't want me to be.

11) Last person to see you cry? My mother. She's the only I let see me cry.

12) What do you do when you get nervous? Well as of Wednesday, I'm supposed to take antianxiety meds...

13) Be honest, do you like people in general? I do. But I cannot say people in general like me!

14) How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? It depends how old I will be when I get married. Maybe around 27 to 30.

15) Does anyone completely understand you? I doubt it haha.

16) Do you have a reason to smile right now? Yes, because I am breathing!

17) Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? More than one.

18) Would you be happier if life had a rewind button? Then how would we learn from our mistakes?

19) Do you tell your mum or dad everything? My mum, most everything. My father, hardly anything.

20) Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? It does. I'd prefer them to not.

21) Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone? Golly, I sure hope not!

22) This time last year, can you remember who you liked? My boyfriend.

23) Do you think more about the past, present, or future? Sadly, I would say the past. But I'm trying to change that!
24) How many hours of sleep do you get a night? On average? About six.

25) Are you easy to get along with? Hell to the no. I'm one of the most difficult and complicated girls ever.

26) Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? If I hated her, why would I talk to her? Silly!

27) What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? Vanilla coffee

28) What size bed do you have? Pretty sure it's a queen.

29) Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? Before! So I can get the temp just right.

30) Do you like the rain? I love it actually but only when it's warm. When it's cold rain, then I prefer it to come again another day.

31) Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Of course! Obviously you are since you're reading this! :)

32) Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? Every day it seems like.

33) Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? Adults think I'm a goodie goodie but most know I'm very, very bad news ;)

34) Who were you last in the car with, besides family? Maran ♥

35) What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? I Am Number Four. My weirdest best friend, my wife, my girly girl and her manly man.

36) Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? Mhm.

37) Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? Who hasn't?

38) Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? AHAHAHA! No. My house is disgusting. I would do it at my dad's though.

39) Do you regret a past relationship? They all made me who I am today.

40) Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? It depends who I'd be with!

41) Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? Never.

42) Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? I don't think so...but if I have, I apologize.

43) Do you care too much about your appearance? Probably. I don't like my weight.

44) Are you a jealous person? Extremely and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

45) Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Nah. I have more clothes than I need already.

46) Do you miss anyone? Yes, and yet they are so close.

47) Last person who made you cry? Well it was triggered by my ex but really, my heart is to blame.

48) Does your ex piss you off? Ha. Which one?

49) What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe going to the drive in.

50) Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? Well I've been in a relationship for nine months now so not really.

51) Is there anyone you want to come see you? Not right now. But I'd like to go see them.

52) Have you ever been cheated on? Sadly, yes.

53) Ever given your all to someone who walked away? I was the one who walked away.

54) Do you like cotton candy? Ew.

55) Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? My blog :)

56) Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17? Add ten years and maybe.

57) Do you have siblings? Luckily, I do.

58) Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? Of course!

59) How has the past week been for you? Great! Good. Blah. Exciting.

60) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? About four.

61) What’s on your mind right now? A question put in for the missing 62.

62) Do you have a deep, dark secret? No :)

63) What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping.

64) What is your current mood? Hungry, cold, content.

65) Who was the first person you talked to today? My mama.

66) Will this week be a good one? If not, I'll do my best to make it one.

67) Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? Most definitely.

68) Who were you with last night? My brother and his girlfriend

69) Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Well we got off the phone because I was falling asleep.

70) Next time you will kiss someone? Next time I see my love.

71) Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? For a first kiss, I like the boy to do it. After that, whoever.

72) Do you have any plans for the weekend? I do! :)

Once Upon A Survey

1. Never in my life have I been: in the right place at the right time.

2. The one person who can drive me nuts is: myself, to be honest.

3. High school: I prefer college.

4. When I’m nervous: I never show it.

5. The last song I listened to was: The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

6. If I were to get married right now my best man/maid of honor: Maran :)

7. My hair is: not as long as I want it to be...or the right color.

8. When I was 5: I refused to wear clothes when not in public.

9. Last Christmas: was my favorite.

10. I should be: doing something more productive but I don't want to.

11. When I look down I see: my naked little toes.

12. The happiest recent event was: love.

13. If I were a character on 'Friends' I would be: watching myself in the reruns.

14. By this time next year: I want to be in another state for Spring Break

15. My current gripe is: not having very good self-control.

16. I have a hard time understanding: anything mathematical but that's kind of obvious.

17. There’s this girl I know that: refuses to believe anything that doesn't mesh with her view of the world.

18. If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: my mom!

19. Take my advice: in one ear and out the other, please.

20. The thing I want to buy: isn't on Craigslist right now ahaha.

21. If you visited the place I was born: you'd see a hospital room.

22. I plan to visit: everywhere I get an urge to travel to.

23. If you spent the night at my house: you would never look at me the same.

24. I’d stop my wedding if: my mother could not give me away.

25. The world could do without: marshmallows.

26. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: nothing. I would not want to do that...ever.

27. Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: was original glazed donuts.

28. Most recent thing someone else bought me: lunch.

29. My favorite blonde is: Scarlett Johanson

30. My favorite brunette is: Zooey Deschanel

31. My favorite red head is: my ginger baby I watch every other week or so.

32. My middle name is: Elizabeth.

33. In the morning I: do NOT want to get out of bed.

34. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: pigs.

35. Once, at a bar: I hope to have an amazing story for this one day.

36. Last night I was: trying to practice self-control.

37. There’s this guy I know who: won't give me the time of day because I'm not thin enough.

38. If I was an animal I’d be: an alpha wolf.

39. A better name for me would be: Ava

40. Tomorrow I am: going to the eye doctor. Fun fun.

41. Tonight I am: staying home.

42. My birthday is: on a Saturday this year.

Social Work

The other night, I had a small crisis of self. As most are aware, I pride myself on my ability to perform and act. The past several months, however, I have been lacking in the talent I once expressed. It could be a loss of inspiration or connection to the work. Or maybe it just isn't what I'm meant to pursue in my life.

I sent this to my mother through a text message during my little breakdown:

"Acting is the only thing I'm good at. Without it, I have nothing. I am nothing."

Of course, she very quickly pointed out that that statement in entirely untrue. Her counterargument was the fact I wish to follow a career in social work, most likely in the field of child protective services. At first and for several hours afterwards, I was dumbfounded as to how she thought my choice in career was something that made me special, unique, better.

"Being empathetic is something most people don't have. You don't realize it because you have experienced it your whole life but the majority of people cannot connect to others and put their heart into the problems of strangers. That is what makes you who you are, not acting. Caring."

I guess my mom is right though. I mean, I can be a bitch. Probably, at times, one of the worst you'll ever meet. And when I get hurt, sometimes my initial reaction is to hurt back. However, when it comes to someone in need, I don't care if it the person I dislike the most or someone who loathes me, I will be there for them. I realize not everyone can say that and actually mean it. So maybe I am special.

Only time will tell.

open letter to my love.

To my Soul Mate,


I hope this letter finds you well, and in good spirits... I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I don’t know where you are or what you are doing right now. I don’t know who you are or what your favorite color is, or scent, or dessert. I don’t know how old you are or what you look like when you smile or laugh or cry. I don’t know the touch of your lips or the feel of your warmth. I don’t know I don’t know anything about you, but yet we already know so much about each other.

I can see us on the couch with a plush blanket draped over us. My head is against your chest and I’m practically taking up the whole couch while you’re snuggled into the corner. I let you have control of the remote because we both enjoy the same cliché movies. Or we are in the car and you are driving. I have my bare feet against the dash and sunglasses that are four sizes too big for my face. The wind ruffles your hair and we laugh at some corny joke I make. Do you see that too? I hope you do.

We’ll fight, I’ll cry, you’ll wrap your arms around me. You will be the one person I know I cannot live without…until our children our born. Then I hope you do not get jealous when I cuddle with little Sadielyne instead of you. I hope instead you wrap your arms around us both and feel proud of your girls. I will record you teaching Kristofferson how to throw a baseball and all the times he accidently hits you in the face. We will spend our years together and never regret a moment.

You might be in the arms of another as I write this. You might think she is the only person you will ever need. But that is because you haven’t met me Though I will love others, please realize my half heart beats because you are out there, waiting for your other half. yet. I love you more than you know and I will until my last breath. One day, my love.

Love,

me.

P.S. If you went out to buy me an arrangement of my favorite flowers, do you already know to come home with lilies?

Moving On

Do you remember crying?
Alone, in the dark nights,
Remember the anger?
Remember the fights?

You hated it, did you not?
Despised it every day.
Needed to escape
But you couldn't get away.

You were only a little girl,
Never the one to blame.
Just the victim, the hurt
In their cruel, cruel game.

Nobody knew you cried,
Nobody knew you bled,
How each night, scared,
You wished he was dead.

Have faith, my sweet child.
Those years are past
And though scars will remain,
Nightmares won’t last.

You were strong and escaped
That place you’ll never return.
Left the pain, took the love
You know they’ll never learn.

They are now the ones crying,
Alone, in that empty place,
Remembering your smile,
Remembering your face.

Ever felt...

 like you're all tangled up and you have no idea how to unravel?

Sometimes I wonder.

Maybe it's time somebody told you: You are beautiful and you have always been beautiful.

When you have your head tucked down a little and your chestnut hair falls over your modest face, I mistake you for an angel.

Those times when you laugh under your breath because you do not want to draw attention to yourself, I cannot help but fall deeper in love.

The way your auburn eyes shine, I forget the stars exist in the heavens.

After you slip-up and cover your pale pink lips with soft white fingertips, I lose myself in happiness.

Sometimes I wonder if you know this. Sometimes I wonder if you even notice the way my breath catches as you walk into the room. Sometimes I wonder if you see me smiling at you since I cannot do anything else but smile. Sometimes I wonder if you gaze at me from the corner of your eye as well. Sometimes I wonder if you dream of our first kiss like my nights often do. Sometimes I wonder if you will ever love me because I am madly in love with you. Sometimes I wonder…

But I will never ask. I would never dare. But it is time I told you. You are beautiful and you always will be to me.

Hold Myself Instead

Lying in this room alone,
Listless, languid bed,
No one here, this isn't home.
I'll hold myself instead.

Anger, hatred, loneliness,
Hanging by a thread,
Fighting through the bitterness,
I'll hold myself instead.

Unfamiliar, distant land,
New ground I've never tread.
Groping for a friendly hand.
I'll hold myself instead.

A distant twinkle in the night,
A ray of light is shed,
Coming closer, shining bright.
I'll hold myself instead.

Loving things, the light does say
In confidence's stead,
I'll do it on my own one day.
I'll hold myself instead.

Reaching up, reaching out,
Trying to see ahead,
Erasing fear, erasing doubt,
I'll hold myself instead.


And in this cold, cruel, lonely world,
My face is white with dread.
But fists are clenched, toes are curled,
I hold myself instead.

Trapped Alone

Does it make sense to you
When the light of day dies?
Darkness comes anew
And your sanity falls away.

My mind doesn’t trust itself anymore
And there is little left to believe of reality.
The day is waning as the demons steal fast.
Release themselves inside my head.

Everything seems true inside this hell.
Yet I know they are just nightmares,
Twisting and turning I can’t escape.
Nothing is what it seems.

Let me out; there is no forgiveness
Let me out; my mind is misled
Let me out; I’m imprisoned inside
Let me out; the cage of life

I love you! :)

Dear best friends,

Monday. You forced me to eat outside in the wind and rain and bitter cold. How sadistic are you? Did you get pleasure from my shivers and threat of possible hypothermia?

Don't think all of our wonderful table dancing forgives that!

But today, it was such a pretty day! The sky was such a gorgeous, still blue. Air was warmed by the sun and a gentle breeze ruffled through the leaves. And somehow, I let myself be dragged alon...wait. If I'm the one who drives, am I really the one getting dragged along?

That is beside the point. Our plan for today was to watch a movie in the empty media room. But that didn't exactly work. Someone (not naming names...Maran...) forgot to check their Netflix to see if said movie was available for instant viewing. It was not. So we tried to choose a movie. Apparently, we do not have talent in this area. Instead, my stomach decided food was more important than an attempt at movie watching.

Thus we skedaddled along and gather such important nutrition before heading to the local park to enjoy a nice outside meal. I have to admit I had my doubts at first. Especially considering how our journey on Monday went. And even though we didn't get to play on the playground that much because those horrible little kids were hogging it, today was still great fun.

Thank you for being so amazing.

Love,

me.

ps. I think I still have a ketchup packet.