Dreams

Do they mean anything? Are they our subconscious trying to reveal something hidden away? Or are they just mindless brain babble drooling into our slumber? If you dream of the past, does that mean you haven't let go of it? If you dream of the future, are you trying to escape your present? And If you dream in fantasy, are you unhappy with reality?

When I kiss his soft lips, am I in love? When our fingers intertwine, why do I feel so flush? When he smiles at me, can I make myself stop grinning back? And if I can, do I really want?

Lately I've been dreaming of this kid. It's disturbing me because he is not someone I should be thinking of as I rest my wear soul. To say I dislike him would be an understatement. To say I loathe him would be playing nice and when it comes to him, I don't do nice. I could understand if he was merely a participant or a bystander or even a victim in my dreams. But he isn't. He is the dream, my dream. Everything seems to revolve around him, me, us.

He hasn't spoken a word to me in months, though I see him nearly every day. But in my dreams, his gentle voice speaks to me in the tone of a lover. And the only time his laughter has anything to do with me is to chuckle at my misfortune yet as I dream, our laughs mingle and taste of sugar. And even though I catch my gaze searching a crowed room for him, he barely, if ever, glances my way. Except last night, oh last night he had eyes only for me.

These dreams have me lost in confusion, searching for an answer, a solution, something. But the more I think, the harder it becomes. I can't even focus in my studies for my thoughts drift ot him. It was bad enough he's been plaguing my dreams, but now he is infecting my days.

Could I be worrying too much? Maybe it's merely a fluke, a silly mistake in the imaging of my mind because I know I don't love him. How could I possibly when my heart belongs to another? And be sure that it does belong to another. A boy who is sweet and caring, who respects me despite my past, who sends lightning through my body with every kiss. That is who I should be dreaming of. But I'm not and it's ever so perplexing.

I just hope the dreams remain dreams and they pass like the winds of the night.

Retreat

I retreat to a place where I feel safe,
A small dark corner of loneliness,
where I cannot be hurt.
The silence and pitch black are so pure...
So quiet....

Here,
No one can judge,
No one can criticize,
I am myself --

And no one is here to see me.
No one is here to question my motives,
Or scorn me for being motiveless,
In my place I can dream,
I can sit and not move for hours,
I'm at peace.

My soul is light,
But my heart rains heavy,
Anchored down by a memory,
Bruised and scared,
By heartache and heartbreak.
Betrayed to many times,
Blind-sighted more.

This sacred place,
This dark and quiet place,
Myself....
My little world inside my head.
My little ditch of serenity,
In this enormous wall of life.

What happens,
Happens...
It is set in stone
But in my place,
I live my life the way I want to.
I think what I want to think,
I feel what I want to feel.

I am alone, yes.
But in the company of
Soundless speakers,
Blind observers,
And deaf learners.

My thoughts,
My ideas,
floating around in bubbles that I pop.
They are mine!
In my little world everything is mine.
I ask of you...
Is it better to be heartless than heartbroken?
Is it better to be dead than living?

In my place,
Those questions dont matter...

Prom.

I haven't posted much lately. If it's alright, I'd like to use the excuse that I've been incredibly busy but it's a bit of a lie. I'm supposed to have been busy yet nothing has been accomplished. College is a whirlwind romance of the worst kind and I'm excited there's only a few weeks left but on the other hand, I'm scared. I'm growing up too fast. I don't want to. I want to stay a little girl with pigtails and grass stains on her knees.

Except I haven't been that little girl in years. Tonight will prove it all the more. I'll be wearing a long, elegant gray dress with painted lips and polished nails. My hair will be washed, combed, straightened into perfection. The necklace I'm wearing matches perfectly with the earrings and shoes. And I'll smile for all the posed pictures.

Dear...

Dear Creepy Gas Station Redneck,

I know that I am voluptious. I know I have sexy curves and valleys. Not to mention my badonkadonk is the inspiration for Sir-Mix-A-Lot.Quite simply put, I am delicious and you are aware of this because you start oogling me the second I stepped out of my pimpin' ride, the Mommy Mobile.Of course you noticed me immediately when I pulled up to the gas pump. That Ford Escort Station Wagon is probably the most yummy vehicle devised with all that junk in the trunk. And when I got out, the gas fumes surrounded me like the aroma from Aphrodite's used socks. My jeans were covered in dirt and grass stains from work that day and I had my man-poncho on. We both know if an orgasm was a person, I'd be it. But that does not mean you're allowed to gaze upon me with squinty eyes and lick your chapped lips like a wolf ready to feast upon a lamb. I am not a lamb. I am a fierce tiger and if I hadn't been on a mission, I would have attacked. You're lucky I was deteremined because when I exited the store, you were still there in your rusty pick up truck. Of course, I ignored you and continued on my way to fill the tank up but did that stop you? No. You started up that old whore and even though she gagged and sputtered, you drove up next to me and try to talk to me. And that is where I draw the line. You may lust for me with your eyes but to actually speak to me? Ha! I am the girl your mama said you could never get. Mainly because I was about forty years from being born. But even so, please stop creepin' on my sexy body. It's highly disturbing and you scared that cute blonde away.

Yours truly,
I'm not telling you my name, freak.

Dreaming of forever

Last night I had a dream, set in black and white. We were in the City of Lights. Snow was falling but it wasn’t very cold. You spun and twirled and danced, trying to catch a flake upon your tongue. Once landed on the tip of your nose and you laughed. Oh you laughed and it was sweet and it echoed down the street, whisking into darkened alleys. People paused to stare but you didn’t take heed. Instead you began to hum. Your steps soon fell in tune and I felt my heart follow your beat. The street was your stage, the moon your spotlight. Streetlamps lit up the flecks of snow in your dark hair and as you started to sway, they shimmered like diamond dust. Your whole body moved in a melody that came from somewhere. It must have been your soul. I started to reach for you, to pull you back to me but something had claimed you and I could only watch. All anyone could was watch. You were too beautiful to look away. The rhythm quickened and you stretched your arms up to the sky. The mitten overlaps had fallen away and the tips of your fingers caressed the stars and stroked the clouds. You traced patterns, weaving a picture only you could see, though your eyes had closed. Leisurely, you stood nearly still except for your hands which still danced in the air. The song your decadent lips had been whispering faded away and all that was left was the steady pace of your breathing. Somehow it was even more luscious than the music that had been you. My hands shook at my sides but even through the hesitation, I managed to take a step towards you. Then another and another and finally I was standing behind you. Only a few inches were between your body and mine and those few inches were too much to bear. Slowly, I reached my own arms up to the length of yours and for a second, I considered grasping your hands in mine but something once again stopped me. Instead about half way down your ivory wrists, I grazed your cool skin and trailed my fingerprints downward along the smooth canvas of your body. To your shoulders, you shivered as my touch nibbled along your neck. Down the blades of your back and the contours of your ribs, my hands followed a trail only they had a map to. Encircling your body, they came to rest on your stomach and my lips nestled in your sweet spot where shoulder meets neck. Against your skin, I whispered your name and though I couldn’t see your innocent face, I felt the secret smile that nobody knows but me. Though I couldn’t look into those doe eyes, I knew they were open in a sleepy Sunday kind of way. Your arms gracefully fell to your sides where they were made to be and your hands overlapped mine where they belonged. Leaning back into me, I tasted your smell of butterscotch and spring time. And I knew in that moment, I knew I could never live without you.

I want you to love me

Because sometimes I talk in my sleep.
Because I drive with the window down and the music up.
Because my ears are cute.
Because Froot Loops make me happier than Swiss chocolate.
Because I can make a three leaf clover with my tongue.
Because my mom is one of my best friends.
Because this heart has been broken but still hasn't quit.
Because Donnie Darko gave me nightmares.
Because when I yawn, I squeak.
Because I sing not just in the shower but everywhere.
Because I sing even though I know I'm horrible.
Because I admit I sing horrible.
Because it doesn't take much to confuse me.
Because my friends come first.
Because I spent hours looking for my grandpa's grave in the rain.
Because at night, when I'm alone, I leave the lights on.
Because I believed in Santa Claus until I was a month shy of sixteen.
Because my first kiss was under the bleachers at Homecoming.
Because I don't laugh, I giggle.
Because against all reasoning, I still have faith in true love.
Because I don't wish on shooting stars.
Because I do wish on eyelashes.
Because Dancing Queen is my favorite song.

But most of all I want you to love me because I'm me,
not just because I love you.

Stupid. stupidity.

There's this boy I know. Actually he's a former beau of mine. And at one point, I would have given anything to just see his smile. Does that sound too cliché? Well I don't care if it does or not because that's how I felt. I remember begging him to sing for me on the phone at two in the morning because it helped me to dream of him and his amazing smile. We knew each other only a short while but there was something about him that just tingled my heart. I blame it on that smile. That wonderful, breath taking smile...

And now...oh now...he annoys the hell out of me. We don't even talk and I find him to be one of the most obnoxious kids I've ever met. Maybe it's how we ended that has made me so bitter or maybe it's the fact that he's stupid and a jerk and cocky when he has no reason to be. Ha and he says I flatter myself too much. At least I have reasons to flatter myself. Plus he acts like he's such a good person. Bah humbug. He's not. I mean I know that I'm not the greatest person in the world and that whole thing about stones and glass houses but still. I can just hear his name and it makes me want to strangle a puppy. The cuter the puppy, the better. Does that make me a bad person? Well if it does, blame it on that ridiculously dumb smile.

My Monster, Love.

I stretch my fingers out and try to feel for the monster's spine, I get nothing. I keep stretching. I want to feel, the bumps that go up and down it's bare naked back. I feel some thing, my fingertips grow cold and I’m shocked by the heat of what I feel. It’s not bare, it has marks. I don’t open my eyes. This is a nightmare I can already tell. I trace my fingertips over what feels like leather. My mind starts to race. I continue to feel the leather skin, until the monster moves. I jerk my fingers away and curl up into a ball. I hear someone breathing. No, some thing breathing. A silent laugh escapes it‘s lips. I can see her eyes, I can feel them. See her smirk, she touches me with her fingers. I stop breathing. I don’t dare to move. She tells me to hush and relax. I listen. She tells me to sleep, I can’t. I can’t force myself out of the nightmare that is already happening. I’m praying, praying to God to make me numb, as numb as I can get. She runs her fingers in my hair, I cringe, she stops and places her hand on my shoulder and holds me down. She tells me to open my eyes, I don’t, she yells at me. I listen to her and open them. Her face is burnt, her eyes yellow, her mouth in a smirk. I grow numb and sigh. She tells me secrets, I listen. She tells me that I’m fat, I believe her. Everything she says, I believe. She says that she’s now her best friend. I believe her and fall asleep into a deep, deep, sleep.

Sands of Time

Why is it, that I can hate you more with each passing day
and yet, when I see you, my heart
has palpitations;
rejoicing,
reveling in your beauty,
charm,
talent…

Your talent—it serves to do nothing
but make you more insufferably arrogant
and so painfully removed
day
by day
by day, and thus,
you are becoming nonexistent.
I am nonexistent,
invisible,
imperfect,
disillusioned,
human,
mortal.

I never measure up to your impossible standards;
your criticisms cut me to the soul.
You may have no soul.

It’s entirely possible.
For how can you be so
wrong,
so stubbornly insulting my virtue?

I am not Her.

I could never be Her,
She who stole your heart’s innocence
and betrayed you,
ripping out your heart and leaving it
bleeding
on the ground.

She stepped on it with her Uggs
as she walked to her new man,
Jeans hugging her bone crisp hips,
Her extensions and bleached-blond hair swinging in the breeze.

I’m a brunette,
an hourglass figure
that is losing sand faster than I can hold it in.
Time slips like tears through my fingers as I watch you slip
away.
Or maybe I’m just pushing you
to the brink.

The brink of nonexistence is a scary place.
The trees are green,
the grass is soft,
the air is sweet with the heady, secret scents of sea and lavender that we both loved;
breathing them in,
deep into our lungs,
we traded them, passing the bewitching flavors back and forth between our mouths,
our breath mingling,
bodies intertwining…
but you are not here.

Here,
in my heart,
you’ll always be here.
But at the brink of that imperfect world,
as I cross over,
I know you’re gone forever.

Awards? Me??

This keeps shocking me. But I've recently gotten two awards. First, I received the Path to Enlightenment Award from Lovesick Fool who is a beautiful person, whose very words can bring tears to my eyes, smiles to my soul.

"This award is for people who are continuously seeking knowledge of the world and their places in it and who share their discoveries on their blogs. It's also for people who keeping posting and commenting, inspiring those of us who seek purpose, giving us a reason to keep coming back and sharing."

And so I am passing this darling award on to Safiaaaaa over at Thinkers Reverie. Every thing she writes touches me (in a non pedophile-ish way) and is so amazing relateable. She's also a really sweet person who just awarded me the Honest Scrap Award.

This is "for bloggers who put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul." You write 10 honest things about yourself that are not common knowledge and then you pass it on to 6 fellow bloggers that touch your heart by the honesty and sincerity they give with each post.

So here are my ten things.

1) I am terrified of chickens. Everything about them makes me want to curl up in a ball of blankets and cry. Their beady eyes, their funky shaped beak, their wrinkled feet, it all terrifies me. Just recently, I held my first baby chicken though. They aren't so bad because if worse comes to worse, I could probably throw it a very far distance. It's the big ones I worry about.

2) Even though I'm a vegetarian, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to eat the more exotic meats. Like quail. I don't want to kill the animals but I guess it's the curiosity that gets me. My mom would hate me if she found that out.

3) About a year or so ago, and for the following months, I was in love with Bestest. I even managed to tell him my feelings and he shot me down. Repeatedly. I think it's because he's such a geek (and my inspiration for my geek post). Sometimes I still cry over him but I know it's for the best.

4) No matter how well I do at something, I never think it's enough. Okay this one is a little more well known but I rarely admit it out loud. It's like if I win second place, I'll beat myself up for a few weeks for not getting first. Even if I get first, I think there was a mistake.

5) Okay haha this one is kind of gross but when I was younger, I didn't suck on my thumb. Instead I was really flexible and if I got extremely upset, I would suck on my big toe. I know, I know. Ewwww!

6) I have a huge crush on Kevin Jonas. Like if he asked me to spawn little Jonas children, I most definitely would do that, much to the dismay of the majority of my friends.

7) As tough as I act in front of people usually, every negative thing someone says I take to heart. I care so much about everyone's opinion but I act like I don't so they don't realize they're winning the battle. Like with Arch Nemesis. Every single insult he has thrown at me has made me take a second look at myself and a third and usually a fourth. Can you imagine if he found out I truly cared about what he said to me?

8) One time, I had a dream about Arch Nemesis. And we were courting. He was holding my hand and trying to explain something to me. The rest of the dream didn't really make sense and the next day I wanted to wash my brain out with bleach. So horrible.

9) This one is kind of icky too but I love the smell of dirt. Not like gross dirt but the earthy smell of sorta wet, gritty ground. My nana's basement smells exactly like it and so I would sneak down there to just sniff the walls. I would lick them to try and taste it too but it never worked.

10) This was really hard. There isn't that much I don't tell people if they're willing to ask and even if they don't ask, I still let it be known. I guess I just don't see the point in hiding too much because then how can anyone say that they truly like me if they don't know the real me?

Now to pass this along....

Ducky at Flying Underwater, she's just herself with no pretending or facade and it's amazing. She's amazing.

Katieleigh at goodbyeanimosty, pictures or words, this young lady shows a side of herself that reflects the beauty in the world.

Heather at Inspiration, incredibly touching in a wonderously poetic sense.

Ary Vee at Mushy Love Song, she posts quite a bit and every single one takes my breath away.

Jon at Me Vs. College, through all of his adventures and humor, he stays true to himself and I'm highly envious.

Lovesick Fool at Voices of the Heart Broken, I could write for hours about how beautiful and true this girl is but I'd rather you see for yourself.

Wow, that took way longer than I expected. Hope you enjoyed!

Comet, Comet

We were nothing
and that, to me,
that was everything.

Our eyes exploded
in a supernova
of the greatest black holes.

Almond, alienoid, curved,
our bodies made out of light.
You were you yet me too.

This is their reality,
our infinitesimal imagination,
cradled in the collarbone of God.

Perforated with everything that is,
rocketing into
azure places where dreams live.

We were no longer two.
We named new colours and
fed our songs to the stars.

Regardless...

regardless of what he says,

i'm pretty.

regardless of what he thinks,

i'm smart.

regardless of what he does,

i'm funny.

regardless of him,

i'm me.

♥ Love Questions ♥

These questions are from a truly beautiful person, Lovesick Fool. Her answers are quite remarkable and I doubt my following ones will even make sense. But, cheers!


a.What do you search for in a partner?

There isn't much specific really. Honesty, faithfulness, humor, wit. Usually I'll give anyone a chance but if I don't feel safe in their arms, I know that I'll never fall in love with them.

b.Is it appearance that initially attract you to a person?
I won't lie. I choose people like I choose my books. If the cover doesn't really interest me right away, it most likely won't be in my to-read list. If it somewhat appears intriguing, then I'll take a peek inside the jacket and if I like what I see, I'll be more willing to dive in deep. There are a few exceptions however.

c.How often or have you ever thought of sex?
How much did Freud say our actions were influenced by sex? 'Cause mine is probably half of that. Don't get me wrong. I've thought of it a lot and I don't plan on stopping but that's all it is. Thoughts. I'd prefer to snuggle or hold hands on a walk through the park or throw popcorn at each other during a movie.

d. Do you believe in true love?
True love means different things to different people. Do I believe there's a type of love who only feel for one person? Yes but do I believe that makes your other feelings of love any less? No. I believe in all love.

e. How many relationships have you been in?
Ahh I guess that depends on how you view relationships. I've had my fair share (and a little more) of boyfriends, hand holders, stolen kisses, I like you and you like me, etc. But when it comes to those who now have a piece of my heart, that would be five.


f.What is your thought on commitment?
It's scary. I know it shouldn't be because it's a necessity for happiness with another person but right now, it terrifies me. Well not completely. There's one or two kids I wouldn't mind be stuck with for a while ha.


g. How easy is it for you to say the words "I love you?"
Too easy. I can say them like I say my name. The real question is how easy is it for me to mean those words?

h.How long was your longest relationship so far?
Around seven months. It would've been forever if he could have chosen.

i.What would you consider to be the best anniversary present?
I guess it depends on the anniversary and couple. I think as a relationship progresses certain things should be exchanged. Like a few months into the relationship, the girl should have one or two shirts of his to sleep in. For me, say on a one year anniversary, it would be something like a home cooked meal and snuggling under blankets on a couch, followed by something extremely, incredibly important to him, something sentimental.

j. What made you fall in love with your partner or what would make you fall for a person?
His laugh. I think that's what usually gets me. Right now I can close my eyes and think of him, sitting across me. Then he smiles and starts laughing. It's like being tucked into bed on a winter night after a big mug of hot chocolate.


k. If your love suddenly becomes disable would you still treat them the same?
If I truly loved them, nothing would make me treat them any different unless they hurt me purposely or I fell out of love.

l. If your beloved changes personality, would you still love him/her?
That's a tricky question. He could change for the better and make me fall more in love but then he wouldn't be who I first fell in love with so it might be like falling in love all over again.
m. Would you love someone completely even with his/her flaws or try to change him/her?
If I wanted to change him, then I didn't love him for who he is. Unless it's something like smoking or drinking too much. Then I would suggest he change if he's looking for a real commitment out of me.


n. If the most important person hurt you, would you still love him/her?
Yes. It would take me a great amount of time to forgive and I'd never really forget but I would still love them regardless. Even if I had to walk away out of my best interests, I'd love him still. However I can only handle so much pain and if it kept happening, the feelings would fade.


o. Why do people date someone who is bad for them?
For me, I've gotten better at choosing partners but before, it was because that's all I felt I deserved. No amazing guy would want me so why even bother trying for something healthy and good?

p. What is your opinion on cheating/love affairs?
It depends. I won't lie. I've cheated before. I was trapped in a loveless, abusive situation and I went out with a friend after crying to him all night long. What we did wasn't based on sex (not that we did it) or lust but it was comfort and it gave me the courage to walk away from that boyfriend. However, repeated cheating with random partners, that's wrong.

q.Have you ever been in a one-sided love? How did you get over it?
I have been and I don't know if I've ever gotten over it because I can still see his face or hear his name and pain, loss, love rushes over me.

r. Were you ever in love with more than one person at the same time? Is that considered to be true love?
This comes down to true love again? I have loved two people at the same time and I know it's entirely possible because the love you feel for each is different. My first love, I will always, always love him but does that mean the person I give my heart to next, I won't love them? No, it's just different.


s.Define: Love
Love is everything. It's smelling first blossom of spring, it's blowing bubbles under a summer sun, it's jumping into autumn leaves, it's catching a snowflake on your tongue. The colors in the sunset, the taste of rain, the whispers from the wind. It's all the beauty in the world and the ability to sacrifice all of it for that one person.

Decaf or regular?

Kisses given are bitter,
Bittersweet on my lips like coffee.
But how can it be resisted
When you’re a caffeine addict?
These days apart,
These days are my withdrawal.

Middle of the night is colder now.
Or is it just the white porcelain against my cheek?
Never thought I’d sink so low.
This is my body purging in need.
This is my soul purging in pain.
And hey, coffee seems sweeter than bile.

They’re laughing at me, I hear it.
Those whispers are heat seeking missiles
And I must be running a fever of one oh three.
Even strangers are pointing so strangely.
But this paranoia is real, legit.
It’s protecting me from them getting too close.

And you come back on a red eye tonight.
96 hours, 5760 minutes, 345600 seconds.
That’s not enough time to truly live.
That’s not enough time to barely live.
Maybe it’s enough time to overdose
As chapped lips start to crack and bleed.

New Friend?

I met a boy.


Wait, I met a man.

No, I met a boy-man.

Hm…man-boy?

Whatever he is, I met him and I like him. Actually, I met him several months ago while I was wearing an adult diaper and sucking on a pacifier. That was a good Halloween. He’s a friend of a friend and he happened to be on their porch, helping in the handing out of candy. Quick introductions were made but like a teenage make out session, it was fast and sloppy and soon forgotten. A few weeks later he began to “poke” me on one of those social networking sites. And of course, me being me, I never end a poke war so we continued the battle for a while before an actual friend request took place. Then we began talking quite frequently and I found myself drawn to him.

So did one of my friends. She was extremely taken by him and maybe it’s the old fashioned girl in me but I try to live by the motto “Chicks before dicks.” So when he invited me to hang out with him and she asked me not to, I did the only thing I thought I could. I didn’t hang out with him. But I told her that she only had a little bit of time before I decided to make a move myself so she would have to not hesitate if she really wanted to win him over.

Well it has been almost three months since then and we’ve continued our online friendship. It’s been hard to say the least to continue making up excuses as to why I couldn’t meet him in person (he said our first meeting didn’t count) or hang out with our growing mutual group of friends if he was in attendance.

Finally, I gave in. It was a…rocky….get together at first because of his sudden conflict at work but eventually we managed to meet a local park. I brought us a couple of DQ blizzards and we slurped on them as we trekked through the hiking trails there. After a few hours, we finally broke out of the woods, discarded our long empty cups, and sat on a picnic table simply talking until it was so dark, we couldn’t see our own noses.

And…maybe it’s just me…but I felt something real. Could it be that I’m just lonely? Is it that I’m desperately grasping for something just to have something? I don’t really think so. From the second he pulled up and stepped out of his car like a prince dismounting from his gallant steed, part of me was mesmerized and awe struck in the way of a peasant, not a princess. Did I let it show? Probably. I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings of adoration. But was it awkward? Not for one moment. The conversation and witty repartee flowed like beer in an Irish pub (hey that makes up for the lack of a St. Patrick ’s Day post, right?). We joked and laughed and bantered as if we had been friends for years instead of minutes.

I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship, yeah?

April Fool's Day

I missed you on April Fool’s day. I thought of writing you then but I decided not. You see, I’m not one for the writing of the Hallmark holidays. It seems cliché. In reality what’s so different about them than any other day? Well besides the fact that they are a registered holiday and people seem a lot sillier with a justified excuse.


Does that sound too cynical? I have half a mind to erase it but seeing as how the mind is on loan, I don’t want to overwork it.

Don’t worry, I’m not so overly sadistic that I didn’t celebrate. Of course I did. I mean how is it physically possible to pass up a day where you’re giving legit permission to make someone else suffer? As humans, I feel we’re obligated to one day where we drop the façade and just treat each other like crap to make ourselves giggle.

This is April Fool’s Day. And as any sweet, loving, young woman, I had two jokes throughout the day. The first was a bit of a flop but overall, it provided me with a bundle of entertainment. See I have this friend, Keenan.

Yeah, that’s him. We’ve known each other since we were learning the art of cursive. He was a lot more awkward and clumsy while I was more docile and petite. Things change, eh? We met during the fall of our youth on a rec soccer team through the local YMCA. We’ve been best friends off and on since then because well, when it comes down to it, there’s not much holding our friendship in place besides some unseen bond. He’s prep and a jock. All of his clothes come from name brands and he goes to church every Sunday, youth on Wednesdays, and choir practice a couple times of week. He loves me even though I’ve kissed a girl or two. We don’t talk politics, economics, or religion unless we’re in one of our classes and having an open debate. Nobody, us included, understands why we are friends. But somehow it works.

So here was our plan. We both have profiles on an ever so popular social networking site and we decided to change our relationship status to being in one with each other. Of course, several of our closer friends knew right away that sneakiness was afoot but for those who lacked the pleasure of seeing us daily together, they were quite interested in our love affair. It was all going well until he got scared of his parents freaking out. Well, no, his mom freaking out. His dad loves me. So he decided to break up with me via the internet (while sitting next me) and proceeded to jump into a relationship with little Miss Ireland. That ho bag. I guess their relationship was more believable though because they have the same right winged, horrible opinions and, hey, they looked kind of cute together.

So that was joke one. Joke two? Well…that one is a little crueler. See I haven’t told you much about my mom, have I? This is her.

I’ll tell you about her later. For now, let’s just say we don’t have the normal mother-daughter relationship. So when she mentioned this plot, I of course jumped for it. Ah, sort of. I made her hold my hand while it took place because as daredevil I am, some things just rack my nerves. She told me to call her friend and pretend that she had been in a car wreck.

Sadistic, right? But I ran with it. I was so believable in my acting that I actually managed to work up real tears. She laughed so incredibly hard that she had real tears as well. We ended up doing it to a few of our friends (because my mom and I share friends despite the age difference). It was cruel, evil, and oh so entertaining.

Does joke two make me a bad person? Ya know what? Even if it does, I don’t mind because even now, it makes me giggle.



“I can’t help it that you look so sweet in your misery.”

Just some loneliness...

It's not like I mean to be so empty.

You've just taken my words away.

You've just taken my breath away.

I've been quiet the past few days, I know. It just seems that nothing I say right now seems to convey what I truly what it to. I have some stories to tell once I find my voice again. Maybe I'll check under the bed again.