Sunday, June 27, 2010

Appearance and Boyfriends

Okay basically I keep thinking about this over and over again and I just want to say (type) it out loud to get it out of my system. So what it is is this. I'm...not unattractive? I mean, I feel pretty maybe twice a month but most days, I don't really like anything about my physical appearance but I know other people think I'm pretty. I've been called hot, sexy, fine, cute, adorable, pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, blah blah blah. I don't exactly agree with all of those but in my head, I guess I know that I'm not ugly.

Which brings me to my boyfriend. To me, he's one of the cutest guys I've ever met. When he smiles, I can't help but smile back. I could just stare at him for hours and enjoy every second. His picture has been the background on my phone for months, even before we started dating officially. But just as I know I'm not unattractive to most people...I know that he isn't exactly attractive to them.

But I don't care what other people think. He's adorable and handsome in my eyes. And I understand that loving someone's personality basically makes them more physically pleasing to you just as someone who annoys you is more likely to be ugly in your opinion. So what it comes down to is I don't think I'm pretty even though majority of people would say I am and I think he's amazing to look at whereas not as many people would agree.

My mom happened to blatantly point this out this other when I asked what she thought of him. I'll be honest, it had crossed my mind before but once she remarked upon it, I haven't gotten it out of my head. Her opinion is that I knowingly or subconciously, most likely the latter, choose guys who aren't as attractive as me so I'll be the better looking one in the couple and therefore more focus would be drawn to me, leading to more praise and compliments which in turn boosts my self-esteem and makes me feel more worthwhile and better.

So I started thinking about it. And I don't know if she's right or not but most of the guys I've dated or been involved with, they aren't that attractive in society's view. I don't know if maybe just my taste in what's attractive is different than the norm or if I really do choose less attractive guys to make me feel better about myself. I look at all my couple friends and I don't see as noticeable a difference in their levels of attractive-ness as I see in my boyfriend and I.

I mean, I love him and if he was identical looking to Brad Pitt, I'd still love him just as much as I'd love him if he looked like E.T. Well...actually I don't know. E.T. gave me nightmares

Sunday, June 20, 2010


When I was three, I wanted to be a princess.
Who knew I'd end up such a beautiful mess?
Such pretty scars decorate my thighs and wrists.
Oh how I adore life with its sadistic twists.

When I was four, all they did was fight.
So finally we snuck away in the dead of night.
Sometimes I get a little mad at her for leaving
But I know it's only the loss of innocence I'm grieving.

When I was eight, Mama had me baptized.
And every other weekend, Daddy just criticized.
Now looking in the mirror, I hate what I see,
Cursing whatever God created me.

When I was nine, my little sister was born.
That was the happiest smile I'd ever worn.
She grew up so good, sweet, and perfect.
And I have to fight daily to prove I'm worth it.

When I was fourteen, I fell for this boy.
No matter what he did, I'd never known such joy.
Looking back, why did he have to be my first?
Of all the guys I've had, he hurt me the worst.

When I was fifteen, I tried to kill myself.
Instead I spent a week working on my mental health.
So now I take my meds to try and help the pain
But I'm terrifed that people think I'm insane.

And soon seventeen years will have come and gone.
My past, I know now it was the dark before my dawn.
And though I remember all that's happened before,
I look forward to another seventeen more.

I'll be seventeen on Friday. How horribly scary is that? How horribly miserably scary is that? I've been dreaming of growing up for years and each birthday, I couldn't wait for the next but now, can we rewind? Can I start over and play in the sprinkler again? Can I lick the cake batter off the spoon? Can I hug a boy on the playground innocently? Can I make clover crowns and spin till I fall down? I didn't have the best childhood but lately I've come to realize maybe it wasn't exactly the worst because it made me who I am and right now, I love who I am. I love my friends, my family, my boyfriend. Life is so good. And the scariest thing is...I'll be seventeen on Friday.