Sunday, June 20, 2010


When I was three, I wanted to be a princess.
Who knew I'd end up such a beautiful mess?
Such pretty scars decorate my thighs and wrists.
Oh how I adore life with its sadistic twists.

When I was four, all they did was fight.
So finally we snuck away in the dead of night.
Sometimes I get a little mad at her for leaving
But I know it's only the loss of innocence I'm grieving.

When I was eight, Mama had me baptized.
And every other weekend, Daddy just criticized.
Now looking in the mirror, I hate what I see,
Cursing whatever God created me.

When I was nine, my little sister was born.
That was the happiest smile I'd ever worn.
She grew up so good, sweet, and perfect.
And I have to fight daily to prove I'm worth it.

When I was fourteen, I fell for this boy.
No matter what he did, I'd never known such joy.
Looking back, why did he have to be my first?
Of all the guys I've had, he hurt me the worst.

When I was fifteen, I tried to kill myself.
Instead I spent a week working on my mental health.
So now I take my meds to try and help the pain
But I'm terrifed that people think I'm insane.

And soon seventeen years will have come and gone.
My past, I know now it was the dark before my dawn.
And though I remember all that's happened before,
I look forward to another seventeen more.

I'll be seventeen on Friday. How horribly scary is that? How horribly miserably scary is that? I've been dreaming of growing up for years and each birthday, I couldn't wait for the next but now, can we rewind? Can I start over and play in the sprinkler again? Can I lick the cake batter off the spoon? Can I hug a boy on the playground innocently? Can I make clover crowns and spin till I fall down? I didn't have the best childhood but lately I've come to realize maybe it wasn't exactly the worst because it made me who I am and right now, I love who I am. I love my friends, my family, my boyfriend. Life is so good. And the scariest thing is...I'll be seventeen on Friday.

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