Sunday, January 31, 2010
No, I don't mean little puppy dog "I like you, you like me, so let's close our eyes and see where this leads" love.
I want love that shoots me like a rocket through the Milky Way till I crash in an explosion of light, laughter, love, life.
I want love that submerges me in selophane clear water and exposes me to the colors of the Great Barrier Reef.
I want love that wraps around me like fire under a blanket of black sky to bask in the glow of Haley's Comet.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
He's the he who holds my beating heart in his soft hands.
He's the he who touched all the way to the soul of me.
He's the he that I can't stop missing,
Wishing to be kissing.
He's the he that I can't quit longing for,
Dreaming for more.
He's the he whose touch sent shivers down my neck.
He's the he whose voice lulled me into peaceful sleep.
He's the he whose lips tasted sweeter than life.
So don't ask me again.
Don't wonder why I'm an insomniac.
Don't question the quiver in my eyes.
Don't ask me what's wrong.
'Cause that's who he is.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
No? Well...you suck.
I don't know what I'm doing. Shouldn't I know? Wait, no, I know you're thinking something like "Oh well nobody really knows what their doing!" which I guess is true except I'm pretty sure they have more of an idea than I do. Truly, my general plan right now is simply to remember to breath and it seems like I've even been forgetting that. I woke up last night ensnared in countless blankets, overheating, but I kept my eyes shut and it wasn't until my lungs started burning and my throat tightened that I actually inhaled the lukewarm air. Part of me didn't really want to take that breathe but I did. I guess that's how most of my life is. I don't ever want to take the next step but I do it 'cause I know I'm supposed to. I hate the feeling of obligation and the need of making everyone else satisfied 'cause you know what? For once, I just want to be selfish.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Behind the flecks of gold
And the shades of amber I adore.
There's something that makes me.
I remember the first time we spoke.
My lips were dry yet overflowing with words.
He just smiled, laughed while I freaked out
'Cause I had never felt so much.
So suddenly, so fast, was it too soon?
There's something in his eyes
Behind the remnants of a sunset
And the fallen leavs of autum I cherish.
There's something that makes me.
I remember the first time we kissed.
Even before his lips touched mine, I knew,
I knew he was different from all the rest,
As he held me in those safe arms close to him.
He caught me that night 'cause I fell so hard.
There's something in his eyes
Behind the drips of hazel
And the drops of honey I love.
There's something that makes me.
I remember the first time I cried,
Even though he promised I never would.
His sweet words said he was sorry
That he never meant to hurt me
But I wasn't the one his heart wanted.
There's something his eyes
Behind the splatter of copper
And the splash of rust I miss.
There's something that breaks me.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Don't judge me for my awkward and sometimes uncomfortable choice in movies but I really liked this tale of a wretched outcast finding her niché in society and learning what it means to have family, friends, love. That was kind of weird to type but that's what it is because it's a definitely sterotype yet it still tugs at my heart. I tend to avoid cliché movies because I always like them too much. I tend to avoid cliché movies that pretend that aren't cliché even though everyone knows they are because I love them too much.
It's movies like Whip It that make me lay in bed night after night, wondering what is so wrong with me. Why can't I be that girl? Why can't I get that guy? Why can't I have that family? Why can't I have that friend? Don't get me wrong. I like me. I have a sweet Lover. My family is alright. And I have three friends who are my bestests. But after watching these tiresome, cliché movies, I always find myself asking those questions. I don't think anyone has an answer and yet I keep looking into strange eyes and begging unknown souls to tell me why I can't, tell me why someone else gets everything I've been dreaming of. Maybe it's my human side showing. That old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side." Well right now, I have no grass. It's red mud with the crushed dreams of autum leaves and a thin layer of ice that always brings me crashing down to reality.
On a side note, Ellen Paige makes me want to vomit. She's too adorable and cute. And tiny. She's so tiny. She's so very, very tiny.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
1) It's obvious that Boyfriend has some jealousy issues because she's so awesome and he can only aspire to be as awesome yet he knows he can't. And she adores him even though he killed Phineus, her beautiful pet unicorn. BUT her love for the amazing Michael Cera is even more so addicting. I mean, there are even graphs!!
2) She's too good for medication which is something I can relate to since I've had my fair share of drugs shoved down my throat 'cause they think the voices up there aren't my friends (not that i really hear voices...shut up...no i won't tell them you like to think of them naked...'cause they'll freak out...would you just shut up!?). And she found a wicked, creepy clown train picture to post on her page. That just scored her a bajillion and mazaillion extra points.
3) When all else fails and certain people named Kyle, who like to lick pennies and should choke on daisy petals, are jerks, she's a magnificient stripper. I mean, there's just a certain level of sexiness that transcends all language barriers, races, species, galaxies and trust me, Allie has it in a million different ways, especially with her delicious lion crawl.
4) Letters. Yes you heard me. Letters. Not like "A B C" letters 'cause those make words and words make the type of letters I'm talking about now. All of them are astounding but her grace and poise in this one letter in particular just showcase her remarkable dignity.
5) And she's so willing to try new things. Most people nowadays will shirk away from adventures and hide themselves away from the thrill but not this girl. She's even willing to risk her life...yeah I lost where I was going with this final point...
Now I really wanted to write a super long post (which Allie [see above notations] excels at) but I find I'm lacking words to type on this certain post and thus I am going to enter extra words to make it seem as if I am succeeding at being a good amount more intelligent and witty than I truly could ever even aspire to be. Besides, I'm not funny. Well not when I write. In reality which sadly is the world I have to live in, I'm frickin' hilarious (high-larry-us, for those of you who had such an issue with my previous usage of that word. is "usage" a word? oh well i just used it as a word. deal with it.) Maybe it's me being laughed AT but I'll take it as long as the person is laughing. Unless I fall. Then they shouldn't laugh. But they tend to laugh even more then. Which makes me mad at them. So I storm off. And they laugh more 'cause I look insanely stupid when I storm off after falling 'cause I'm most likely hurt so I sort of hobble away like a hobbit.
OH! I have to pee. I'll be right back.
So apparently the restroom was closed temporarily so I had to go on this hunt for the biology lab to find the unisex bathroom. It was like some sort of Indiana Jones adventure. Danger was lurking around every corner (really. it was a long journey through a door, down the hall, and take a left.) My heart was racing inside my chest 'cause that's where it always is. One step almost proved to be fatal but not for me! For my mom. I accidently stepped on a crack in the tile and that must have surely broken her back. And at one point, I even had to drop to the ground and roll around a corner 'cause the upcoming room was empty and it terrified me and when I'm scared, weird things happen. But I'm okay with that 'cause I eventually found the bathroom and yes, I PEED! But not in the bathroom, well in the bathroom but not just like on the floor. I'm not like that. Are you? It's okay if you are. Just don't use my bathroom unless you clean up after yourself 'cause that's kind of nasty. You freak. I mean...no, there's not a nicer way to put that. If you pee on my bathroom floor, I'll force feed you lime Jell-o 'cause you're a freak. But I bet you'd like being force fed lime Jell-o...
I probably should do something productive. The college doesn't have these computers just to have them. I think we're actually supposed to do work or something. Especially since I'm in class right now. But I can't focus on whatever essay I'm technically pretending to write right now (ha write, right. well i though it was funny) 'cause I got on here just to check the people I creepily follow like an obsessive little stalker who wants to collect their hair and make a look-a-like doll to sleep with each night (yes, i'm talking about Allie).
I just realized how weird that really sounds. Damn. I need to stop trying to be funny on my blog. It's not working. Actually, I think I'm coming off more psychopathic (a word? i like it's usage even if it isn't. ha. prior joke.) than high larry us (ha. another prior joke. they make sense if you read above. i really hope you didn't just scroll to the end. that'd be weird...) Okay, I think I'm going to stop 'cause this professor keeps glaring at me. Except he really doesn't glare. He's too much like Mr. Rogers (see youtube or something. i don't know.)
Okay. I'm stopping.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The road to nowhere.
She keeps on walking
With her eyes straight ahead,
Trying to avoid their stares.
The neverending road just carries on,
The road to nowhere.
Smiling, it's killing her inside.
She wishes they didn't care,
At least not enough to notice her
Or when she stumbles.
But it's just one more tear.
And it's one more step,
On the neverending road,
The road to nowhere.
Don't tell me how to feel,
Or what I should be doing.
You're not my god.
Slit an ivory wrist,
To let the words pour out.
And now it's overflowing.
Can't stop the pain, the inspiration.
Would you bandage me,
And silence me forever?
'Cause this voice is no longer mine,
It's that of the blade.
You say you want to help.
But all you say is empty,
Don't you know I can't be you?
Maybe I can't be fixed.
Maybe I don't want to be.
But somehow my body called for help.
Are you going to answer?
Tick tock and you screen.
So I shut up.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Getting out of bed is easier
Things are better than they were
Now I can smile happily outside
And I'm slowly working on the inside
It's just a matter of time I guess
But oh today I wore that new dress
You know the pretty blue one
I bought it when I got my nails done
Stepping out today, I was so pretty
Nobody looked at me with eyes of pity
They know I'm getting stronger
The pain shouldn't last much longer
And in class I laughed as I had before
But this time it wasn't really a chore
It felt right and it felt good
It felt like I forgot it could
In that moment I didn't care he wasn't mine
So I chose to walk home in the sunshine
The air was crisp but I didn't care
There was still some snow here and there
But green grass had started poking through
Oh Diary I wish I could have shown you
How the wind caressed the trees
And the smell of winter carried on the breeze
The way the clouds kissed the horizon
And the feel of being held by the sun
I've spent too long in my blackened abyss
I forgot about the beauty of this
This world I was beginning to hate
So now I'm praying it's not too late.
Through a street of broken bottles,
Empty syringes, and used prophylatics.
And I'm ready to run
'Cause on this walk,
The leash is choking me.
Rope burn on this ivory neck,
Called my lover's kiss.
But the truth is as obvious
As the laughter in their eyes
As the eloquence in duplicity
And the caress of your backhand
So tomorrow I will
Run and run and
Come in last place yet again
Being the winner than I am.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
And please keep your pathetic pity.
There's no need even to pretend.
You're the fakest kind of friend.
Your so called love is ever so toxic,
And all you think with is your tiny dick.
You always got off on me crying,
Yet now babe, I'm through with trying.
Time and time you would apologize,
But I'm giving up on this life of lies.
There were one too many promises broke.
Now I've realized just in time, you're a joke.
So please don't text me or write or call.
I don't wanna hear from you at all.
When you said you cared, I should've known,
But now I hope you die alone.
You may think you're oh so smart and cute and amazing because some dumb girl told you that. Well, okay, maybe it WAS me who said that but you had me fooled. I think I didn't suspect you because you look like an 11 year old boy that is about twenty years from puberty. Do you even have armpit hair? No? I didn't think so. Not that it matters because I'm sure your new girlfriend quite enjoys your hairless, pre-pubescent body. And you may THINK that is jealousy but I assure you it is most definitely not. I prefer men who don't have to change their sheets daily from "accidents". But in all sincerity, you suck. You stated on Friday, December 18th, 2009 and I quote,
Did you forget about that? I don't think you did. You never forgot anything we said to each other. I think maybe, just maybe, you...LIED....shocking, huh? Not that I care. I'm perfectly okay losing my bestest. I meeeeean, I'm sexy. I'm intelligent. I'm clever and witty and sarcastic and sweet and considerate and kind and popular and charismatic and fuckin' hilarious and so many other adjectives that I'm too modest to type. Now I have just one last thing I'd like to say and that is:
"I promise I'll do everything I can not to hurt you and I will never walk away."
If I had a penis, I would tell you to suck it. Except you probably would enjoy it too much so I hope you get gout in your big left toe, your hair falls out by the time you're twenty-six, a rabbit furry rapes you in a dark back alley, and your testicles finally drop. Hugs and kisses for you, my bestest!!
**Names may have been changed to protect the not so innocent...
But they really weren't.
Nowadays, we live in a world that can be as cold as an ex-lover's kiss. It's a harsh, cruel reality in which we live and some days it seems as if there is no point, no purpose, no reason for even getting out of the safety of our warm bed. And when we manage to drag ourselves out into it, we hear of victims who can't breathe without pain, families mouring one of their own, children dying in the streets. The news tells us daily of the innocents being slaughtered and the corruption that keeping the criminals repeating their crimes. We see pictures flashing across a lifeless screen of money, mugshots, murder, mayhem, madness. And we push it from our mind. We turn away and busy ourselves with meaningless little tasks. Should we choose to grace society with our company, we do so with deciet, manipulation, lies, corruption, betrayl, pain. We use others for our benefit and throw them away once they are thoroughly used up. Yes, the world is a cruel place because people exist.
Are you still reading?
Don't be mad. Don't be upset. You know the world can be exactly that. But you and I both know it is also more. It's waking up in your lover's arms to hear them say good morning with a smile meant just for you. It's giving your all of spare change and then some to the man on the street who can't afford shoes. It's running through a park in the middle of spring to feel the wind against your face and the sunshine raining down you. It's your favorite meal on your birthday. It's a smile from a stranger. It's a hug from your mom. It's a kiss from a baby. It's so much more.
Sometimes we forget this because we see the world through jaded eyes. We spend so much time lost in the bad, we forget the good. It's a sad truth but it's the truth nonetheless. So today I want you to take a second. Actually a minute or two. I want you to call your best friend just to say hi. Tell your parents how much you love them. Walk barefoot in the grass. Compliment a complete stranger. And remember the good, even when you're surrounded by the bad. Because haven't you watched tv or read a book? In the end, good always wins.
- A person you know well and regard with affection and trust
- A person attached to another by feelings of affection or person regard
- A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts
Those are the definitions I found in Google [well they were the shortest and easiest to retype] and I guess those are technically what a friend is, since they are the definition. I can't remember who it was that I heard this from but the definition that I love most for 'friends' is the family you choose. Really and truly, I adore that simple explanation because it's true. Sometimes we choose wrong though and we get hurt. At least, I know I do. I've lost quite a many friend due to lies, betrayl, even simple misunderstandings that we were too stubborn to work through. But real friends, we get through it. And God knows at times I swear I hate them. I want to punch them in their stupid, little faces. I want to gouge their eyes out with sporks and shove them down throat. I want to cover their bodies is cheese and let loose a thousand starving mice upon their tied up, cheddar soaked body. Yet...sadly and fortunately...I don't. Not only because I think those might be illegal [I'll check that out] but because that's what's family is. And that's what true friends are.
Best Friend: You're such a ho!
Me: Yes...but you love me.
Best Friend: I kind of have to.
Me: What!? You have to?!
Best Friend: You think I'd love someone so crazy by choice?
Me: Oh...I see...
Best Friend: I have to. It's what I live for.
Best Friend: I live to love you. Duh. If I didn't love you and you didn't
love me, we'd both be dead. We're maaaade for each other!
Me: -insane giggles-
Best Friend: Dorkk.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Trapped in this girl's body.
Though it's okay since I like her breasts.
I am just a dreamer
Suffering from insomnia.
But I'm seeing more now than with my eyes shut.
I am just a student
Without any books.
Because life is teaching me through its own lessons.
I am just a liberal
Living a blood red state.
Still I remain true to my beliefs and opinions.
I am just a star
Bounded by this galaxy.
And yet I am burning brighter, hotter than you.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Go along with her to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you
enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went with her.
[Really? No. Go to movies you both like. Otherwise, one of you is going to be miserable the whole time. If a guy drags me to a chick flick 'cause that's what he THINKS I like, he's going to be just as miserable as me. I need my shooting, my blood, my terror, my guts. Stupid stereotypes]
Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle. Let
her win once in a while.
[I am not fragile. If you knock a girl down, she will not shatter into a million pieces. And as for letting us win, that is just as hurtful to our pride as yours. Play your best and let the best girl win ;)]
Don’t ever lie to us; we always find out.
[Correct: Sometimes we find out. Usually we don't, unless you're dumb and you make a huge mistake.]
Remember: Girls are pretty, but yours is the prettiest!
[Do not tell her she is the prettiest girl ever. You both know it isn't true. To you, she may be the prettiest but make sure you specify that it is IN YOUR EYES.]
No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a ho. Don’t bother trying to
convince us otherwise, that is a bad idea.
[Not true. Your ex-girlfriend may or may not be a ho. It solely depends on who the heck your ex-girlfriend is. If you think about at that one then, all girls themselves are really ho's because (most) all girls at some point will be an ex-girlfriend. Duh.]
If you did something wrong, apologize. Even if you didn’t, do it anyway.
[If you did something wrong, apologize. If you didn't, don't apologize. That would be stupid and fake. There's very few things worse than being fake.]
Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you. Don’t obsess over that.
[No it isn't. It's most likely not about you. That's why it's a fantasy because it isn't reality.]
I expect you to call me. If you don’t, you go down.
[Again, wrong. If you don't call me, then I should be man enough to call you. Girls really need to grow a pair nowadays. However, if you SAY you are going to call and then you do NOT, well then yes, yes you do go down.]
Any decent man will ask a girl out to her face. I mean; if you aren’t man enough
to ask us out to our face, who says you're gonna be man enough to our boyfriend
[It can sometimes be a good thing to ask a girl out to her face but if you do it any other way, you're okay. Just because you don't humiliate yourself physically in person doesn't mean you aren't decent. I find that a note or something along those lines are way better because then I can cherish them afterwards.]
If she’s not feeling loved, she will start looking....
[Only partly true. I think with this one it depends on the situation. Certain guys are just not overly affectionate. Other times, he's just a jerk. If I don't feel loved enough, I'll make myself heard. If the guy doesn't take heed then, I'll start looking. Give us some credit, please.]
Baseball players are hot. The sport makes you skinny and your arm muscles… well,
it’s hot. We’ll go to all your games even if we hate baseball.
[Baseball is not the only hot sport. Personally, I don't have a fetish for baseball players but hey, some girls do. I prefer my guys to be more into track or D&D. Either way, if a girl likes a guy enough she'll go to whatever activity he partakes in to see him.]
Don't play hard to get. We’ll get bored and move on.
[See one several things above. Girls like challenges. Girls like a little bit of rejection. Sad but true. What's even worse is girls are like guys. If a boy just rolls over and gives a girl puppy dog eyes to scratch his belly, she'll find someone who is a little more hard to get. Don't be easy.]
If you’re single, find the one girl who’s always there on the sidelines at your
football game, or at each of your concerts, all your baseball games. She
loves you. Her excuse may be that she’s there for her brother, but she’s
really there for you.
[Incorrect. She probably is there for her brother unless her brother doesn't participate in the same thing. Then she's a stalker. And girls do do this. I've stalked many a men this way.]
If a girl really likes you, just seeing you will make her day.
[You are not that handsome or sexy or cute or amazing. Looking at you will not make our day. However should you look at us and smile, flirt with us, acknowledge our existence in some way, that will most likely make part of our day.]
There were a lot more items but a few of them were more realistic and true. I just found these to be somewhat...irritating, I guess. Yes a few of those are probably true for a few girls but overall, don't lump females all into a stereotype because we are not that simple. Actually, stereotypes are just bad in general. Obnoxious little buggers.
I just got home (that would be 2am Eastern Time) yet I still taste the smoke on my lips and shake from the bitter wind's bite. It was around 17 degrees tonight, not including the wind chill which was probably around -43975837584383 degrees. I stood outside for well past two hours with a girl I despise, a boy I've never even met, a once in a blue moon friend, an ex-lover, and my brother. We huddled around a make shift fire that we carelessly threw together with cardboard, sticks, a phone book, and a whole lot of kerosene. The heat was a welcomed relief considering we had just spent nearly an hour pushing a car steeply up an ice covered hill. For me, I just wanted to enjoy the heat and relax in the somewhat pleasant company. But with my brother, things are never really that simple. He had fireworks of course. It was...interesting to say the least. At some point during the throwing into the pit and fleeing into the woods while being chased by little bits of ash and sparks, I found myself slipping my frozen fingers in my former beau's pocket to take his incredibly warm hand. After that, I was sort of in a euphoric state 'cause, you see, he's "the boy that ruined me for all other guys." That sounds like a bad thing but not so much. He's my first love. And no, I'm talking about puppy dog, freshman crush, silly butterflies first love. No, he was the first person I was willing to cry for, lie for, die for. So no matter what a few of those feelings will always crowd my cross stitched heart and being with him tonight just made me happy, regardless my intellectual side knows better. Then after the cold finally got to us, the drive home was like that of an alternative punk song. We had the heat on full blast and the stereo blasting Say Anything. Way past curfew, the road was ours for the taking and we drove like there was no one waiting at the end of the ride. Right now, I'm on a rush of love, life, laughter, and other 'L' words to fit into my alliteration there. I just thought I'd share this quick little summary so in a few weeks, when my world is going down hill again, I'll read it and the memory will bring a smile to the lips he so softly kissed good night.