Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Don't make me regret you. I really don't want to. For the time we've been together, I've enjoyed almost every minute.


There were times that I do not know why I loved you, why I stayed by your side, why I cared at all. There were days I questioned the basics of our relationship, the underlying structure that was first our friendship. But these moments, they were few and they scattered.

When we were good, we were great. I know at some point that I was happy with you. Now, I have to tell you that I'm no longer in love. You should have seen the writing on the wall, read between the lines. You have noticed something was wrong. Maybe you did, maybe that's why you began to suffocate me, to demand every second of my attention but that only pushed me further away.

I'm not blaming you. Honestly, I'm not. We are both at fault here for believing in and fighting for something that never should have been. I fell for you because you were a conquest and that is no base to build love on. You pushed me away in the beginning and then when I caught your attention, I reciprocated. It was a tug of war between you and I.

Finally, finally, I got the chance I had been waiting a year for. Even after a few months, I knew it wasn't right. I didn't truly love you the way you deserved. I loved you because you loved me, adored me, cherished me, worshiped me. I loved you because I was scared to be alone. Because I didn't want the time I waited for you to be wasted. Because you were safe and dependable. Because I don't truly know what it is to love another.

In the next few days, or maybe in a week or two, I'm going to tell you some of this but not all. If you knew that I haven't loved you for these long months, your heart would be more than broken. And I don't think I can do that to you. I don't want to do that to you. But I think we both know that it doesn't matter what I say, you're going to be hurt, you're going to beg me to stay, you're going to keep loving me.

Yes, this will sound cliché but if you truly do love, you'll let me go. I know that I will not come back to you this time but you need to set me free. We both agreed by time fall comes around, we would say our goodbyes. I'm sorry I have to say farewell before the changing of the leaves. It is that I just do not believe I can spend the next four months pretending that I am happy when I cannot help but cringe at your touch. I will not tell you this either.

I am going to tell you that I loved you with all my heart but the feelings have just faded. That I still want you in my life but maybe not right away. That you're my best friend. That I'm sorry. And you won't believe any of it except that I loved you. You'll believe I still do and you'll cling to that. I beg you now to please do not. Please accept this and move on because I already have.

1 comment:

  1. yeah, it can be so hard to tell people these things and get them to understand clearly. i hope it goes well for you.
    when i broke up with my ex he was emotional for a while, and it took us years to get back to being actual friends again. i hear that's normal. it may hurt at first, but sooner or later you'll run into each other and want to catch up.