"I think you just want someone to talk to,
to hang out with,
and to hold you like this.
I think that's all you really want."
I still remember the night you said that to me and how it felt to be in your arms once again. It's been over two years since we first met. Hard to believe it's be so long. I was younger, childish, loud. And you were so quiet in the seat in front of me. How could I have ever resisted speaking to you? Luckily, or depending on I look at it, unluckily, you smiled at me and told me your name. I swear I probably said your name at least ten times a minute for the next week because I didn't want to forget it, forget you.
When it was my stop, I hugged you and slipped a little piece of paper into your hand. I can still hear your friends talking and laughing as I stepped off the bus. Bet they were so proud of you, the first time you got a girl's number. Was it just one day or two before you called? I don't remember but I do remember looking at the strange telephone number lighting up my cell phone only five minutes after I had finished moaning to my mother about how that cute boy hadn't called me yet.
We talked for hours. And I literally mean hours. Was it 38 that first week? For some reason, I feel it was a little more than that. Obviously, we didn't get much sleep but rest doesn't ever matter much when you're falling in love. God, all the memories of us are flooding back into my mind and I...I miss you.
I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry for thinking you'd break mine first. I'm sorry for all the things I screamed. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry for ignoring your calls. I'm sorry for calling you a liar because you said you loved me. I'm sorry for trying to hurt you. I'm sorry for the desperate midnight calls I made. I'm sorry for toying with you. I'm sorry for taking you back. I'm sorry for walking away again. I'm sorry for trying to make you jealous. I'm sorry for the pain. I'm sorry for the hurt. I'm sorry for all of it, for everything.
If only you knew I've been thinking of you for the past three months, if only you knew I struggle to come up a lame excuse just to text you, if only you knew I stare at your girlfriend's picture in jealousy and envy, if only you knew I wish I could have one more chance, if only you knew, what would you do?
I guess we'll find out in a few months since we'll be at the same school. The other week when I was on campus and we saw each other, did you know the real reason I stared the whole time you spoke? I wanted to memorize your face. I wanted to remember the times we kissed. I wanted you to miss me.
I told my bestest in December that part of me, a small part but a part nonetheless, that part of me hopes we will get back together this fall and maybe end up spending "forever" together. It's been a little over two years since we first met yet I still have such childish thoughts and hopeless dreams.