Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Complications of Love

I'm a little...conflicted. Is that the word I should use? Or does confused work better? Struggling? Perplexed? Torn?

There's this kid. I don't know if I've talked about him before. But I call him Bunny 'cause we were talking this one time and he was going on about how strong, tough he is, such a beast. And I told him that he was about as beasty as a little, fluffy bunny. It just stuck from there, ya know? He's my Bunny, he's been my Bunny, and he'll always be my Bunny.

But I love him. I love him so much and I have for the longest time. It hasn't always been a romantic love, at first it was merely that of a best friend. In the past few months, I've grown addicted. Hopelessly, to be honest. I wake up with memories of his smile from dreams and I go to sleep with a picture of him in my mind. So many times throughout the day, my thoughts drift to him, when I'll see him again. We don't get to see each other too often. Different schools and his dad is a little overprotective.

Except we had our first date recently. We went to a park and walked around. Down by the river, he tried to teach me how to skip stones. His hand wrapped around my tiny one and I felt my cheeks blaze. The smell of his shampoo in his still damp hair was crisp and sweet. He laughed when the stone I threw sank to the muddy river bed and I reached to smack him but he pulled me close, trapping me in his arms. I looked up and into his honest eyes as he leaned down to kiss me.

When his lips touched mine, I felt like I was dancing in the middle of a storm. Normally his smile, his laugh, his touch sends a gentle shock to my heart and revitalizes my happiness. But that kiss, that kiss was shooting lightning straight into my veins and I never had felt that before. And I can't wait to feel it again.

Yet...I don't know if I can because he doesn't want to be with me. Wait, no, he doesn't want to be with anyone really. And still he tells me I'm beautiful, amazing, so special to him. He'd do anything for me and cares more about my happiness than his. He doesn't want me dating other guys and he doesn't want to date other girls. Talks all about wanting to kiss me, hold my hand, see my smile.

He thinks a relationship right now is silly because a relationship is to find love and we already have that, don't we? My friends say he's using me, abusing my love. Lately, I'm starting to wonder that myself but I don't want to walk away. Not yet. It's too soon and I'm not ready to let him go. So I told him he has until June 25th, my birthday, to claim me as his girlfriend and be my boyfriend. If he won't, then I'm done. I'm gone from his life because I wouldn't be able to move on if I still spoke to him.

Scared. That's the word. I'm scared. So scared.

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