Sunday, May 22, 2011

Let me let you go

Is it possible to ever stop loving your first love? I certainly hope so because I cannot keep playing these games where he comes and he goes and he throws my entire existence in utter turmoil. Listen to me when I tell this:

I cannot love you like I did so why do you expect me to? I am not the same naive, hopeful girl you first kissed under the home bleachers. You are not the same rebel, sweet nothing boy that held me close during our first high school dance. We have changed, we have grown, we have learned. I am still as crazy as the day you met me if not even more so. However, it is more controlled and rational if insanity can ever be classified as rational. My heart still skips a beat in passing but my lips never move fast enough to call your name when my eyes take in her hand clutching onto yours the way my fingers intertwined into yours. You were my first love, you will forever be my first love. But I cannot still love you like I do so why do you make me feel the same butterflies and seasickness? You're more painful when we talk casually on the phone than the months I went just wishing I could hear your voice again. You tell me today that you made a mistake when you refused my love two years ago out of foolish pride. You tell me today you regret losing me. You tell me how your life was nothing until I came into it and I helped you more than I can ever know. You tell me all these sweet nothings like the days we spent in the tall grass my head resting on your chest. You cannot tell me these things when I know, when I know, when I know that I cannot have you like I did. And when you call me your friend, do you know how it hurts? I know you do. I know you do because you talk about how hard it must be to think about her dancing in your strong arms so shortly after they had just held me. I know you know what you are doing to me and I know that you are getting some sick pleasure from it because I know you know I still love you because you still know me and I still know you, no matter how much time has changed us, how much we have grown, how much we have learned. I cannot do this with you. I leave in August for school. You leave in December for the Marines. I cannot do this with you. I cannot spend the next few months falling all over again just to be pulled harshly back into reality. I cannot let myself keep only room for you in my heart when I have so much more love to give and feel. I need to move on. I need to walk away. I need to so badly. But I cannot when you will not let me. So please, please, please if you ever loved me at all, please let me let you go.

He will never read nor hear these words. Instead, I will just fade into his background again until he so desires to bring me into the light. And then I will cherish every blissful moment in the vicious of this first love, this never ending love, this tortuously wonderful love, this pain ridden blessed love, this...this...this is my love.

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