Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A Fleeting Moment

I was walking through the park with a melody drifting in my head. It was nice to be alone and not feel the need to match another's step. The grass was green, the sky was blue, the air was sweet. For so long I had forgotten the taste of a warm summer's day upon my skin. A smile played across my lips and my eyes danced along the faces of laughter, love, life. My eyes danced along these faces when they came to rest upon yours. I had not seen you since the bittersweet end of a bitter cold winter. I know it is a cliché thing to have done but my breath did stop. You were smiling, you were laughing, you were wrapped in her arms. I did not know her face, her eyes, her voice, her. I did not know her but I knew she was not me and in that moment, in that moment I realized I no longer love you. I do not know the feeling that washed down me but I know it was not jealousy. It was not pain. It was not anger. It was not hate. It was not fear. It was not and yet it was. My heart did not yearn for you or ache because yours yearned for another. Instead, my soul cried out because I was alone. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. How did I not see that there is no one left by my side? Not a friend, not a lover, not anyone. Since we went our own ways, I got lost in mine. I got lost in my moving on. I got lost. Then I blinked, just a quick every second blink. And there before my eyes, you no longer stood. My mind, my heart, my soul, they played a trick on me and how they fooled me well. Now as my feet grew into the sidewalk I was more alone than before. I was more alone than before because in that moment when you were, I still had the memory of someone. Yet now that is only an illusion, a child's mind game. Someone brushed past me and I caught the scent of her. She smelled of lilacs and honey. She smelled of what I dream and I wished to be her for surely she was loved. My world was spinning and yet I was falling straight down without a single twist or turn. I was falling and I knew how to stop. I knew the way out. I knew. I know. But I am not in a rush to rescue myself because I have nothing, no one to save myself for. I left the park today and I swear I shall not return until I smell of lilacs and honey.

1 comment:

  1. =(

    I get this a lot. I hate this whimsical feeling of nothingness tinged with sorrow.