Monday, February 8, 2010

Pretty Boy

I want to tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a pretty little girl. And one day, while Little Girl was walking in the crisp autumn grass with her friends, she saw a boy. She had never noticed him before and she started whispering to her friends about him.

"He's so cute," Little Girl giggled. "What's his name?"

Her friends looked at her with mouths agape as if she had suddenly become another person but she was still Little Girl and being stared at embarrassed her. As her cheeks turned pink, her friends recovered and rolled their eyes. They informed that he was Pretty Boy and told her all kinds of little secrets about him but they warned her about him too. He wasn't just another boy. He was different and while he intrigued her, she heeded the words of her friends and put the thought of him far, far from her mind.

However over time, Little Girl saw more and more of Pretty Boy but she never talked to him. She wouldn't. She couldn't. All of her friends thought that she was so brave and confident but the truth was Little Girl was scared. She was scared of everything. The thought of being left alone terrified her. She had nightmares of rejection and betrayal by those who love her. And her body would shake at the idea of trusting someone with these feelings. So she smiled and laughed with all of her friends. Little Girl would flip her river bed hair and bat her eyelashes at the silly boys who tried to impress her because if she did that, she thought, nobody would see the terror hiding in her wildflower eyes. But Pretty Boy never noticed her and she only saw him a few times a season so she thought nothing of it.

Little Girl had a friend who was as beautiful as the dawn and she was envious of her friend. Then one day she heard that her friend was Pretty Boy's girlfriend. It made her happy because when she saw them together, they looked perfect. She thought they looked like a princess and her prince. Part of her was sad because it wasn't her with Pretty Boy but she didn't pay any attention to that thought. It was normal for her to feel that way whenever she saw a friend find love and she was alone. But she was happy for them and they were happy for a long time.

Then one night, Little Girl couldn't sleep. It was cold and snowy so all of her friends were giddily dreaming but no matter how much she buried her head underneath pillows and blankets she couldn't drift away. And suddenly Pretty Boy called her. Before that, they had said very few words to each other over the past month or so and it shocked her. But she answered however hesitantly and they began talking. Pretty Boy told her about how he lost his girl and it broke his heart. Little Girl wanted to cry as she heard his beautiful voice tell such a sad story. She listened and listened and tried to make him feel better. She told him about how she had made mistakes and hurt a lot of people, including herself. She whispered to him secrets in the night that not even some of her family knew. She promised him that it would be better one day, maybe not that night or the next day or the next week or even the next year. But one day it would be better. Pretty Boy said that for some reason he trusted Little Girl even though it was truly the first time they talked. And Little Girl trusted Pretty Boy. She didn't know why because she didn't trust anyone except her best friend. They talked for hours into the night. It was funny how they had so much in common that they never knew about. Eventually Pretty Boy figured out that Little Girl was getting sleepy and told her to go bed. So they said goodnight with words to speak later. As Little Girl shut her eyes and began to fall asleep, she held the phone closed to her and wondered all about Pretty Boy...

So now that it's morning, all these thoughts are running through my mind. Last night, I bared my soul to a near stranger and I have no regrets about it. However, for the record, I'm not one for regrets. I try to believe that the choices I've made have brought me to where and who I am today. I look at my mistakes and attempt to learn something from them. Then the pain is worth it as long as it helped me to be a stronger person. So if telling Pretty Boy my secrets was a complete screw up on my part, I'll be okay with it. Well no, I won't be okay with it because my stupidity will hurt like hell but in time, I'll become stronger and learn another lesson about trust.

But what if it isn't a mistake? What if he came to me last night to save me from something? Or for me to save him from something? What if...what if...what if...I've come to now believe "what if"s are one of my greatest flaws. I seem to have an issue just seeing how things pan out. Still I can't help but wonder...what if....

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