Friday, February 5, 2010

I don't know much...

I have this friend. Actually, to be honest, he's more than a friend but less than a lover. We actually dated for a few months the winter of '08-'09 and things did not end very amicably. He had never been in love before and I had never felt good enough for anyone. It was truly a roller coaster relationship and it would be fair to say one of my only regrets in life was how I treated him. He did makes some mistakes but in my soul, I know he really cared for me and in the final weeks I simply stabbed his heart with my three inch stilettos. It can be safe to say that while he has his faults, he is a better person than I am because in time, he forgave me. I'm not sure why he chose to do such a thing because if I had been him and he me, the day I forgave such words and actions would be the day I closed my eyes for the last time. Yet he forgave me and we've come to have a very close relationship in past few months. When I had a near death accident, he was the first person (after my mother of course) that I called and he talked me the rest of the night as I lay in my bed, sobbing. We talk about his younger sister and brother, the colleges he's been rejected by and accepted in to, his beautiful dog, Lily, and quite simply, everything.

More recently however, he's been more beneficial to me than I think I'll ever be to anyone. We were talking in the midst of the night when most sane people were fighting an epic battle with their bedsheets and I began to have a slight emotional breakdown because I had finally had enough. I had finally gotten fed of with the inner workings of my barely beating heart. For the people who know, it's not a very hidden fact that I have had my fair share of boyfriends and relationships. It's quite obvious that I do not like to be alone and I crave attention. I'm also a very affectionate person and constantly need someone to reaffirm my sanity through physical contact. Add that to the fact I really have no trouble getting guys. Now that isn't to be conceited. It truly is a fact, one I don't necessarily see the reasoning behind but nonetheless, at any given time, there is always at least one guy I could call and ask to start a relationship with who would said yes. Most people assume that it's because I'm "easy". And I've come to realize that I am. I crave someone to call my own so greatly that I'm more willing than most to cross lines. To be pyschological, it's because I have such a horrid relationship with my father but the fact remains the same that at times I use what my mama gave me to get what my father can't. And I have finally had enough of that. It's pointless. It's demeaning. And it's painful.

So as we were idle chit chatting, I began telling him everything I was feeling and how fed up I was with it. I told him how I'm tired of searching for a happily ever after fairy tale love when I know I'm not going to get one. How I am now starting to believe that they are a carefully thought up torture device for young girls. How no guy has ever loved me the way that I want, the way that I need. How sad the realization is all men see me good for is my body. How envious I am of him because he can so easily not put himself out there. [Part of me thinks I'm to blame for this since I was his first girl, first kiss, first head over heels and I hurt him.] He didn't deny that I am the way that I am. Instead he told me this:

I don't know much of love other than as a word. But I do know that there is
a feeling in your heart where you care so much for someone that you'll do
anything, absolutely anything to make them happy.

Together, we decided that no longer as I am using my body to capture love because he is tired of seeing me hurt by "guys who are no good for me" and I am tired of being hurt by them. I don't know if too much damage as been done, if I've lost all faith in a happily ever after fairy tale love. I don't know if I'll ever find someone to love me just because I am me, if there truly is another chance for me. I don't know if my old habits can change so easily, if I'll ever believe like he does that I'm good enough. I don't know much. But I'm willing to find out because I have a feeling in my heart where I care so much for him that I'm going to do anything, absolutely anything to make him happy. It may not be romantic, it may not be returned but for him, it is love and I only hope he knows how blessed I am to call him my friend.

1 comment:

  1. sounds like you two really have a connection, treasure that (i know you already do)

    thanks for sharing this, nova
    i like getting to know you x