This is not very happy. Be forewarned if you choose to read the prose piece
below. I've been having trouble sleeping lately and tonight I couldn't handle
laying in bed staring at the ceiling any longer. It was driving me insane. All
these thoughts were swirling through my head of past mistakes and things I wish
I could change. I know, I know I can't go back but sometimes I really wish
I could. And so I got up and typed this out. It's made me feel a little better
and hopefully now I can sleep.
“Are you awake?” her voice shook as she clutched the phone to her ear. It was another cold night in her room and she quivered underneath the endless pile of blankets. No matter how many she snuggled under, it was never enough to replace the warmth. Each night she tried to cocoon herself and each morning, she failed to wake up beautiful and loved like she secretly hoped.
“Oh…I’m sorry. I just, I had a nightmare and I can’t go back to sleep. I’ll let you go.”
“What was it?”
Just the few words that flowed from his lips were enough to calm her. It had been a few months since she last kissed those lips and several more since she last heard them whisper of his love. But no matter how long those fleeting moments had been, he always answered her 2am calls. She didn’t know why he did but he always did. She figured he too knew his words calmed her unlike anyone else’s. And so she closed her eyes as she began telling her nightmare.
“I was trapped in this, this room that was completely black. Nobody else was there at first. At least I couldn’t see anyone, ya know? It was so dark. And really hot with this nasty sweet smell in the air. I tried to move but I couldn’t, not in the way I wanted to. Instead I felt this tugging, pulling me forward and so I took a step. But I fell. And there was something wet on the ground…it was warm and wet and…” she had to stop. It was too much to remember. Even if it was just a dream, it was so real in her mind.
“It’s just a dream. You don’t have to say anymore if you don’t want to.”
“No. I want to. It was just so real. I mean I can still feel my hands groping around on the floor. When my fingers touched cold skin, I screamed but nothing came now. Then all of a sudden there were these blinding white lights, like stadium lights, and I was in a freezing shower. I shut my eyes and shook my head. I heard as the water splatter against the glass door and for some reason it shattered. So I opened my eyes and looked down. It was so beautiful. It was like a stained glass window. Like the ones in the really old churches that I said I wanted to go to. And I started smiling ‘cause it was so gorgeous and I felt so happy. I reached out to touch it and I looked down at my fingers. They were covered with blood and I just kept smiling as the blood pooled at the tips and one drop slowly began to fall. I watched as it formed and I watched as it began to falling down, really slowly. It was like the Matrix or something and when it finally hit, the window rippled. Like a pool or a lake and I was staring at my reflection. The me in the window, or water, or whatever, that me started laughing and laughing and then screaming. She screamed and screamed and tears started rushing down her cheeks. Then she reached for me and I woke up, crying.”
“It’s just a dream. Only a dream and nothing bad is going to happen to you. I promise that.” he tried to soothe her but something in her wouldn’t let him. Not yet.
“How can you promise me nothing will happen when it already has?! Who is to stop it from happening over and over and over again until I can’t handle it anymore? I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of being me. I’m just so tired.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t ever wish you were someone else. And if you’re so tired, go back to sleep. You can’t do anything about it tonight so there’s no point in worrying about it. I’m here. I’ll always be here. And I won’t let anything happen.” he said it all so calmly. She knew he was right. And in her heart, she believed he really would always be there for her. But she couldn’t go back to sleep so easily. “Look, I’ll read you these stories until you fall asleep. Just hold the phone close to your ear and shut your eyes. Once upon a time….”