You need to stop. Now.

Dear Arch Nemesis,

I've thought of another reason I loathe your absolute existence. You have a cute laugh and it annoys me to no end because people as horrific as you should not be allowed to have cute laughs that make me giggle when I hear them. Adorable chuckles should be reserved for adorable people and I know what you're thinking. You're thinking you're just the most adorable thing since I was dressed as Pebbles for my first birthday and my cousin who was born on the same day was dressed as Bam-Bam. Well you know what?

That WAS freakin' adorable and you come nowhere close to that. Your eyes are really creepy and ice blue like a Siberian Husky but not the good kind. No, yours are the kind that belong to the dog who eats the heads off of snow bunnies. You have a weird nose. It isn't too big or too small. It's just weird. And there. On your face. Your nose has no purpose. And your hair? Psh. Don't get me started. You had really pretty long hair and during the middle of WINTER when it's freezing COLD outside, you cut it all off. That was just dumb and now you look like an Army brat. Plus you have no ass. What good is a man if he's flatter in the rear than...something...really, really, really flat?

And you're a horrible person. Even if you were weird looking, you're an incorrigible, self-absorbed, pompous, arrogant poo-poo head! You insult me constantly and degrade my thoughts, opinions, feelings. I've never had one individual belittle so much and it makes me despise your parents for giving birth to such a demonic child. Except I don't really despise your parents because I don't know them and I'm sure they are very lovely people. They just happened to spawn Satan's son. You think you're so cool and clever. But you're not. You think you're so smart and funny. But you're not. Sometimes I want to ask you if you know that people aren't laughing with you, they're laughing at you. But then I feel bad when I think of that because unlike you I have a soul and I don't usually like to hurt other people. I like to hurt you but not to your face.

All in all, I would appreciate it if you stopped laughing cutely because it makes me feel a twinge of warmth towards you. For a second, when I hear your boyish little giggle, I forget what a monster you are and I don't like that feeling. So stop it. Laugh manically like all evil people should. MWAHAHAHAHA!! See? Even I can do it and I'm not evil. Therefore, you should easily be able to accomplish that and I'll stop forgetting you're a cootie head.

Love and licks,

Nova