Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Reject me? Okay. Just don't perfect me.

Soooo I got dumped last night. 'Tis okay in a way I guess. Better now than later but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. That's something which will probably always hurt, being rejected.

And I'll be honest 'cause I know I'm not perfect. I have my ups and I have my downs but overall, I'd like to think I'm kind of awesome. I'm one of the smartest kids in my class, smart enough to get accepted into this early college program so I'm getting a two year associate's degree while graduating high school. My PSAT and SOL scores are always through the rough, not to mention I've had over 43 colleges and universities send more than one mailing. And I'm passionate about what I believe in. Really I don't think I've ever backed down from a political debate and I don't think I've ever really lost one either because sure, sometimes I don't know EXACTLY what I'm saying but I pull it off 'cause I'm dedicated to my cause. With regards to my physical appearance, I've been called cute, adorable, pretty, gorgeous, beautiful, ravishing, sexy, hot, etc. So I guess I'm not ugly. No, no I know I'm not ugly. Guys are attracted to me with regards to my looks. And they say I'm nice. Everyone says that I'm nice and kind. They may say a lot of things about me but nobody would ever say I'm cruel or sadistic or evil. No matter how much I dislike a person or their beliefs, if they need anything, I offer it. I can't stand someone in pain or hurt.

I'm sort of rambling now. My main point was I'm good enough, right? I'd like to think so. But sometimes people seem to be against me. My mama says it's 'cause they're just all jealous or threatened. She's supposed to say that though. Actually, yesterday she called me a trophy girlfriend. "Not that they don't like you but the guys you date never are up to your level and they know that so they like the fact you're slumming with them." I wasn't sure if it was a compliment. I don't feel like a trophy girlfriend. Ha. I'd have to be someone's girlfriend first. Maybe I'm a little bitter right now. I thought things were fine, I thought they were good. Then BAM. Nope. Need to know each other better.

What's to know that he won't judge? My biggest phobia is people touching my feet but I'm learning to deal with that. I had a huge crush on my middle school gym teacher. Sometimes I bite my nails even though I'm trying to quit. My ring size is around a 5, quite small actually. I like the color blue and I prefer the night. Winter is my favorite season but I don't like when it starts warming up and the snow melts 'cause then the ground gets all wet, icky. When I eat oranges, I nibble the skin off first and then eat the pulp. I have a thing for musical artists like the Backstreet Boys and Katy Perry and Lady GaGa and Metro Station. Under my desk in my bedroom, I have a cardboard box that I've covered in duct tape and inside is a little memento from everything important in my life. I don't always understand things in history or science but they really interest me.

Do those help you know me better? I don't think so. Those are superficial. I could tell you how last January the woman I loved as a second mom blew her brains out. I could tell you how my ex-boyfriend held me down and touched me until I managed to run away. I could tell you how I've seen my drunk dad throw knives at the wall that I was two feet away from. I could tell you how I shook and sobbed when my mom went in for a surgery that didn't really have a survival rate. I could tell you how it feels to have over 200 hundred pills pumped from your stomach with over twenty strangers watching you. Maybe those will help you know me better. Maybe. Or maybe those will make you look at me like a freak, make you look at me with pity, make you judge me for my past. And if that's what happens, I don't want you to know me.

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