Mm really now?

Oops, I did it again....

Yes, I watched the sequel to Twilight. Well actually it's the second of the Twilight series, New Moon. I promised myself I wouldn't. I swore that I would not fall victim to it but alas, I see now that I don't think I'll ever be able to resist it. And I don't mean the books or the movies. No, I believe I'll never be able to resist the torture of idea that there is real love, true love, the kind of love that grasps your body in its hands and tightens and constricts around you until your bones begin to snap and push their way through your taut skin but you feel nothing because you're staring into that one person's eyes. The thought of that type of adoration pulls at me and tugs. Does it, could it ever exist?

You see there's Bella. She's supposed to be your typical every day girl. Divorced parents, Daddy issues, trouble fitting in, blah, blah, blah. Three years ago, when my hazel (let's call them green) eyes first fell upon Bella Swan, I saw myself in this naive, young girl and couldn't tear my gaze from the pages where I met her. She was beautiful because she was how I saw myself then. For granted, she was a lot prettier to me before they cast this little chick-a-dee as her in the movie but still, her purpose was fulfilled. She was the relatable teenage girl of modern society. Then came Prince Charming. He's known as Edward Cullen. Hello, stage one of tormenting us teenage girls because he is supposed to be the most beautiful thing since I was born (ahahaha). Not too tall, luscious brown hair, deep chocolate eyes, the body of a 11-year-old. First portrayed as the bad boy of her new high school, we then see he has a deep, sensitive side that only she brings out in him. Now I'm in eighth grade reading this story and my mind immediately thinks of Justin, the bad boy in my World History class. Could he be tormented on the outside but really just looking for that one girl to show him how to love? Could I be that girl? No and no because that's dumb. I'm pretty sure he's in a detention center right now. My point is there about a 1 in 3928947284728645726 chance of the bad boy secretly writing poetry and singing lullabies to a baby kitten he rescued while helping an old lady cross the street to get his Boy Scout patch. But it's a good dream. That's why we (typical teenage girls) love us some Edward. And he notices the boring Bella. Sure he fights it but he can't resist. They rush head first into this love-capade (made up word) and it ends up being all Romeo-Juliet-esque (another made up word). Then...INSERT JAWS THEME....he's a vampire. Shocker, right? This is what is supposed to keep us (dumb teenage girls) from not falling in love with a fictional character because he's exactly that. Fictional. Doesn't help one bit. And now, now is when it gets good. We meet Jacob. Oh sweet, young Jacob. He's gorgeous in the book. To me, he was better than Edward. And he falls for Bella too. What's better is Jacob is a werewolf and thus the nemesis of the vampire! So now this average, mundane girl has two of the most amazing, epic guys completely heels over head for her. Eighth grade and I'm cursing myself for not being in this book. I'm literally angry at myself because I live in reality. Now I read the first book in two weeks. The second lasted a little over a week. The third was devoured in four days. And when I finally received the fourth book, I stayed up all night in bed with a two liter of Dr. Pepper and a thing of oreos. There's so much more to the story but the basic theme of it is that no matter how boring you are (Bella), you always have a shot at love (Edward) and should that fail, you've got a pretty sweet back up (Jacob).

Now it's really a lot more poetic than that and I quite recommend the books because I find them to be very well written as far as sappy, teenage, vampire/werewolf love stories go. But the movie is what got me. Seeing it portrayed by real people? It makes the love between Bella and Edward so much more painful to watch. I took my ex-beau, Robert, with me to see the first movie when it came out. Sure I told my friends it was irritating they ruined the book and I wasn't going to support it. But I did anyway. "Scientific research" is what I told myself. So we went. We watched it. Well I watched it. He seemed much more interested in my v-neck shirt (definitely not up to Edward or Jacob standards). Afterwards, I felt...unsatisfied. Don't get me wrong, it DID completely go against the book every way possible and destroyed the sanctity of the story. Yet that wasn't what had me so crestfallen. It was the realization that the horny boy holding my hand was never going to look at me the way the mosquito and dog looked at Bella. This is when I told myself I was NOT going to see the second movie when it finally hit mainstream.

And so there are several scenes during the movie that make me want to shove a wooden stake through my own heart (though apparently that doesn't work?) but there are two that really send a stabbing into my blood-pumping organ. One that gets me the most is Bella and Jacob in the kitchen. Edward had left her all alone to "protect" her from himself. In swoops Jacob to pick up the pieces of her broken heart but she keeps rejecting him. This really upsets me because I was always Team Jacob (don't tell) and so they're in the kitchen. Her back is against the sink, he is in front of her. Their bodies are pressed against each other. His tan, rough hand reaches up and caresses her porcelain cheek ever so softly. Their breath is quick now and there's less than a centimeter between their hungry lips. Phone rings. It's Edward. So she runs off to rescue him leaving Jacob. He tells her not to leave. He asks her to stay. He begs her to choose him. And she doesn't. But he still loves her. The second is when Edward comes back. He is in bed with Bella and she wakes up screaming from a nightmare she's had since he left. Except now he's there to comfort her. It's all sweet and stuff but I don't feel like going into details else my heart cries any more.

Now I'm watching this movie and I'm texting my boyfriend while I do so. Is it the rampant teenage hormones coursing through me or the double strawberry shortcake with whipped cream I had for dessert that is making my estrogen levels sky rocket? Neither. It's the movie. It's the idea of the movie. It's the idea of love. It's the idea that someone like me could find a love like that. It's that DAMN (pardon) idea that is making me cry as I type this because though my dreams wish it were real, though my heart yearns for it, though my body aches to have it, I will never have that type of love. I'm not saying no teenage girl with divorced parents, Daddy issues, and trouble fitting in will have that type of love (pending its existence). I'm saying that I won't. Why not? Well it's because I've spent so much of my time putting faith into everyone, everything else, I forgot to put faith in love and I forgot to put faith in me.

So I just finished the credits. And I thought about it. Maybe...maybe if I wish upon a star, I'll find a little faith left over. I really hope so.

I mean, have you seen Taylor Lautner (Jacob) without a shirt?