Shh. Don't tell anyone!

The secret to life is....

a warm cup of hot chocolate.

sleeping in on Saturdays.

a summertime rain.

banana splits on the 4th of July.

capturing the perfect shot.

butterflies on a first date.

knowing who your friends are.

a mother's embrace.

a perfect first kiss.

chocolate cookies out of the oven.

blowing the seeds of a dandelion.

a compliment from a stranger.

snuggling with a childhood teddy bear.

a penny on heads.

your favorite pair of jeans.

laughing until you cry.

talking on the phone until two am.

coloring with crayons.

reading a book you cannot put down.

a child's laughter.

getting a card on your birthday.

the ferris wheel stopping at the top.

dancing until your feet ache.

rolling down a grass covered hill.

the first dip of your toes into a creek.

listening to the ocean in a sea shell.

the smell of a loved one.

catch and release.

a hot shower that steams the mirror up.

an outdoors concert.

daydreaming.

getting your hopes up once in a while.

trying even if you will fail.

singing loudly in the car.

forgiving.

a really good hair day.

But the real secret is the one you would never guess...

love yourself, love others, love till it hurts.

And then...love some more.

Let me let you go

Is it possible to ever stop loving your first love? I certainly hope so because I cannot keep playing these games where he comes and he goes and he throws my entire existence in utter turmoil. Listen to me when I tell this:

I cannot love you like I did so why do you expect me to? I am not the same naive, hopeful girl you first kissed under the home bleachers. You are not the same rebel, sweet nothing boy that held me close during our first high school dance. We have changed, we have grown, we have learned. I am still as crazy as the day you met me if not even more so. However, it is more controlled and rational if insanity can ever be classified as rational. My heart still skips a beat in passing but my lips never move fast enough to call your name when my eyes take in her hand clutching onto yours the way my fingers intertwined into yours. You were my first love, you will forever be my first love. But I cannot still love you like I do so why do you make me feel the same butterflies and seasickness? You're more painful when we talk casually on the phone than the months I went just wishing I could hear your voice again. You tell me today that you made a mistake when you refused my love two years ago out of foolish pride. You tell me today you regret losing me. You tell me how your life was nothing until I came into it and I helped you more than I can ever know. You tell me all these sweet nothings like the days we spent in the tall grass my head resting on your chest. You cannot tell me these things when I know, when I know, when I know that I cannot have you like I did. And when you call me your friend, do you know how it hurts? I know you do. I know you do because you talk about how hard it must be to think about her dancing in your strong arms so shortly after they had just held me. I know you know what you are doing to me and I know that you are getting some sick pleasure from it because I know you know I still love you because you still know me and I still know you, no matter how much time has changed us, how much we have grown, how much we have learned. I cannot do this with you. I leave in August for school. You leave in December for the Marines. I cannot do this with you. I cannot spend the next few months falling all over again just to be pulled harshly back into reality. I cannot let myself keep only room for you in my heart when I have so much more love to give and feel. I need to move on. I need to walk away. I need to so badly. But I cannot when you will not let me. So please, please, please if you ever loved me at all, please let me let you go.

He will never read nor hear these words. Instead, I will just fade into his background again until he so desires to bring me into the light. And then I will cherish every blissful moment in the vicious of this first love, this never ending love, this tortuously wonderful love, this pain ridden blessed love, this...this...this is my love.

Rainy Day

like keyboard vomit let's throw some syllables together and paint a pretty picture.

can you do that or is it another thing i have to do all on my own?

watching you now is like seeing a puppy get kicked down a flight of stairs.

but oddly enough, there is no extra beat of my heart in sympathy for you.

some day, some day i will be long gone and happier than i've ever been.

what will you do when you don't have this sad little girl to push around?

everyone thinks you're so cool, so smooth but you know i know.

that must be why you try to hold me down until i cannot breathe.

but believe me, you cannot drown the truth of someone who lives a lie.

everything i do, i did it all for you yet never was it enough.

maybe when this sad scene plays on the movie screen, i'll shed a tear.

we both know the next day i cry for you, over you will be a rainy funeral.

till then just paint a pretty picture with your words reeking of booze.

and i will dance and i will laugh and i will sing and i will fucking love.

i will do all the things you wish you could but have no heart to feel.

i will be everything you dreamed of and you will be nothing to me.

Graduation.

So last night I graduated from community college with a pretty two year Associates of Arts and Sciences in General Studies.

Doesn't that just sound lovely?

It's one of those special moments in life that do not come around very often. You graduate high school, then in four or more years maybe college. It is not every day that you walk across in front hundreds of people in a horrendously unflattering cap and gown. I'm the first of my siblings to graduate anything, let alone college even before I leave high school.

And yet, strangers on the street seem to care more than my dad does. He showed up drunk. He showed up drunk to his only daughter's college graduation.

I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about it. It isn't like I should be surprised. As a matter of fact, I should have expected it from the beginning but part of me hoped that it would be different. He would realize how important a day it was. He would be a loving and supporting father like I see in the movies, like I see when I look at my friends. He would hug me and I would feel happy in his arms for the first time since I can remember. But that was just naive of me. I'm a college graduate now.

Shouldn't I know better?