Thursday, December 2, 2010

Loser, loser.

Never in all my days have I come across a person who enjoys losing but I seem to like it less than most. When it is something I know I am good at and know I can win, defeat seeps in through every crevice and rots all inside me. To not hear my name called is the tightening of imaginary fingers around my throat. Slowly, I try to force a smile to myself for the person better than me but the tears are stinging from where I refuse to let them fall. My bestest, I feel him watching me, trying to catch my eye and I avoid it. He's too good to witness something so pathetic. Certain people, I catch flashes of disbelief on their faces and their thoughts reach out, touch me, but it's not enough. It's not enough. I was close to being the best. But close is not the winner. Close is left out and rejected and abandoned and all these viruses that are infecting my heart.

Sometimes is never quite enough.
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love.
Don't forget to win first place.
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face.

Be a good boy.
Try a little harder.
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder.

How long before you screw it up?
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up?
With everything I do for you,
The least you can do is keep quiet.

Be a good girl.
You've gotta try a little harder.
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud.

I'll live through you.
I'll make you what I never was.
If you're the best, then maybe so am I,
Compared to him compared to her.
I'm doing this for your own damn good!
You'll make up for what I blew.
What's the problem?
Why are you crying?

Be a good boy.
Push a little farther now.
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy.
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect.

Alanis Morissette

I would write myself but my spirit has sunken a tad too low to even attempt. However, this song matches the words in my soul quite well. All my life, I've done more than my fair share to be loved. And somehow it never seems enough.

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