Still

I must still love you but...
without love,
without hate.
And I still see you sometimes
with pretty smiles, dolled up eyes.
But you're lonely. All alone.

I still love you.
And pieces,
the pieces of me left shattered
they love you.
They love you.
Oh how they love you.

And that bitter pain,
the one that feels like you?
It sits inside my lungs and cries;
drowning me in saline solution.
The resin is my pain,
sticky like tar, touching everything.

A secret agony with an unbroken heart
you see me too.
Like a woman in black who grieves,
the wind wails.
The wind, my soul wails and mourns
for what never was and never will be.

Something forever unhealed,
this my private place
and yet you're here once again.
We see each other,
but we haven't even met.
Still I love you.

Bliss

lets play cannibals i'll eat your organs.
change the channel.
historically speaking, she was the queen.
don't choke too hard, fucker.
they had only seen their mother cry once.
elaborate stages, elaborate plots.
sing-sing housed his body but his heart was in the ocean.
turn green. the light, turn green.
roundhouse and everyone is DOWN.
the plague feels like this. quite bubonic.
what time is it in the east indies right now?
set the table right or i'll punch your face in again.
gutters don't catch the rain - let it slide
sweet oblivion in projectile vomit
the eye of the twister and its calm.
DRINKING THE AMMONIA NOW, THANK YOU OFFICER.
i never thought being an astronaut would be this hard.

My First Crush

I want to take you back a long time ago. A time when life was simple in my sandy blonde dog ears, stumbling around in the red dirt of my grandparents' farm, my home. My pink and white checkered dress would always get horribly messy but each time my mom washed it, my dress was so clean and pristine that I would always be itching to jump back into my own world of innocent mischief. The only time I cried was when my Barbie sneakers accidently squished a harmless bug or the nights that Daddy wasn't going to be home in time to check under the bed for the monsters. I was wide eyed and innocent in a world where I didn't believe wrong existed.

His name was Chad and now that I think of him, he will always be the cutest guy I've ever gaze upon with a wide eyed stare as he hammered sun warmed nails into our roof. He did various work on our house and around the farm so I would follow him with my four yeard old innocene like a puppy following a butterfly with wonder in his eyes. Chad would pick me up in his arms and swing me around and around and around under the golden sun until I couldn't breathe from laughing. He was in his early twneties and, as is common in a small town, already married to his high school sweetheart. Even now I believe she was a lucky girl because I still remember how his sweet, sweet eyes were the color of a crisp mountain stream as the frost of winter lay dorment once more.

He would always call me his future wife but I know I could never hold him to his promise. And that's okay with me because the memory of his eyes is enough for me.

I want to love him...

But I can't.

He hurt me. And that's putting it simply.

He betrayed my trust.
He violated my space.
He disrespected my feelings.

I tried to forget and I tried to forgive.
But some words cut too deep.

I want to love him. But I just can't.


I'm sorry.