Contemplations

Things can't be perfect

All the time, that I know

Sometimes we just have to let some things go

- Armor for Sleep (Kind of Perfect)

Needs vs. Wants

I'm pretty sure I'm in love with someone who does not exist. But it's okay 'cause if he doesn't know me, he can't reject me, right? Except I think he already has turned me down by not having audacity to be real. Does it work like that? Can it work like that? What if I said pretty please and got down on my knees? Can my life be that way?

No? Well...you suck.

I don't know what I'm doing. Shouldn't I know? Wait, no, I know you're thinking something like "Oh well nobody really knows what their doing!" which I guess is true except I'm pretty sure they have more of an idea than I do. Truly, my general plan right now is simply to remember to breath and it seems like I've even been forgetting that. I woke up last night ensnared in countless blankets, overheating, but I kept my eyes shut and it wasn't until my lungs started burning and my throat tightened that I actually inhaled the lukewarm air. Part of me didn't really want to take that breathe but I did. I guess that's how most of my life is. I don't ever want to take the next step but I do it 'cause I know I'm supposed to. I hate the feeling of obligation and the need of making everyone else satisfied 'cause you know what? For once, I just want to be selfish.

His Eyes

There's something in his eyes
Behind the flecks of gold
And the shades of amber I adore.
There's something that makes me.

I remember the first time we spoke.
My lips were dry yet overflowing with words.
He just smiled, laughed while I freaked out
'Cause I had never felt so much.
So suddenly, so fast, was it too soon?

There's something in his eyes
Behind the remnants of a sunset
And the fallen leavs of autum I cherish.
There's something that makes me.

I remember the first time we kissed.
Even before his lips touched mine, I knew,
I knew he was different from all the rest,
As he held me in those safe arms close to him.
He caught me that night 'cause I fell so hard.

There's something in his eyes
Behind the drips of hazel
And the drops of honey I love.
There's something that makes me.

I remember the first time I cried,
Even though he promised I never would.
His sweet words said he was sorry
That he never meant to hurt me
But I wasn't the one his heart wanted.

There's something his eyes
Behind the splatter of copper
And the splash of rust I miss.
There's something that breaks me.

Tiny Dreams

I just watched a movie. A very good movie, at least, in my opinion.

Whip It.

Don't judge me for my awkward and sometimes uncomfortable choice in movies but I really liked this tale of a wretched outcast finding her niché in society and learning what it means to have family, friends, love. That was kind of weird to type but that's what it is because it's a definitely sterotype yet it still tugs at my heart. I tend to avoid cliché movies because I always like them too much. I tend to avoid cliché movies that pretend that aren't cliché even though everyone knows they are because I love them too much.

It's movies like Whip It that make me lay in bed night after night, wondering what is so wrong with me. Why can't I be that girl? Why can't I get that guy? Why can't I have that family? Why can't I have that friend? Don't get me wrong. I like me. I have a sweet Lover. My family is alright. And I have three friends who are my bestests. But after watching these tiresome, cliché movies, I always find myself asking those questions. I don't think anyone has an answer and yet I keep looking into strange eyes and begging unknown souls to tell me why I can't, tell me why someone else gets everything I've been dreaming of. Maybe it's my human side showing. That old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side." Well right now, I have no grass. It's red mud with the crushed dreams of autum leaves and a thin layer of ice that always brings me crashing down to reality.

On a side note, Ellen Paige makes me want to vomit. She's too adorable and cute. And tiny. She's so tiny. She's so very, very tiny.