Farewell

I've decided I'm going to start another blog. Actually I'm just going to relocate entirely. This ended up being more of a diary than I had initially wanted and I feel too exposed now. My words will never fade nor would I ever wish them to. I just need a better place where I can weave pictures again without the sides tinged in my self pity or melodramatic world. If you want to read it once it's up, just let me know and I'll post the new link.

So Many Things

There are so many things I need to say you.
The words just ache to drip from my lips.
Swallowing them back, I must bide my time.
You will be leaving soon for a fight not ours
and our last moments cannot be of my need.

There are so many things we have left to do.
But there are not enough ticks left in the clock.
It was my fault we were apart, lost in time.
And I fear now we will be more than lifestyles away.
It will be new worlds keeping us from one another.

There are so many things you must be feeling.
This might be the first I have ever taken the blame.
Shock is first, guilt is next, grief takes last.
Our eyes show there is a reason for my repentance.
Look away but I know you love me still.

There are so many things that have me reeling.
The memory of our first kiss is just as sweet
and if I pause, I can hear my heart beat in you.
If there is a time and place for everything, it is now.
The thought I hold has us as pawns of Fate's game.

There are so many things hanging in the air.
Please come back to my arms safe and sound.
Will our love fade like sidewalk chalk in the rain?
Do not fall for another while we are day dreaming.
How soon till you see others are far more than me?

There are so many things for us to share.
Each night, my future plays at the drive in.
Wearing more than your class ring, I see us.
Grown figures of you and I mouth the lines of love.
The dawn of day has me waiting for this to be true.

There are so many things over which we will cry.
The touch of your hand I will miss the most.
You calling my bluff in love letters is not the same.
Familiar scents are salt licking at the wounds.
When I reach, only air fills the void you leave.

There are so many things awaiting you and I.
Endless, sleepless, loveless nights are looming.
The tight embrace in two year's time feels warm.
I keep hope time will pass as fast as tears fall
and you keep hope for the chance stars will cross.

You are pathetic.

Pathetic. That should be your first, middle, and last name because you are, in every sense of the word, pathetic.

YOU were the one who approached meme. YOU were the one who was drunk. YOU were the one whining about being lonely. YOU were the one seeking my help. YOU were the one playing mind games. YOU were the one asking if I was interested in you. YOU were the one.

Not I. Oh no. I was the one stupid enough to be listen. I was the one hoping I could help. I was the one trying to make you smile. I was the one who cared.

Never in all our time of knowing each other have you been the one to seek out a connection. That should have been enough warning. Each and every time before it was I and I will admit my fault there. Maybe because I had a school girl crush on you, maybe because I thought I was pretty enough, maybe because we laughed with one another, whatever the reason I believed there was a glimpse of something more or at least something that could be. I should have known. I should have listened to all the voices telling me to run, screaming that my first instinct was right.

You are no good. You are a trickster with an adorable smile. You are a liar with a sweet voice. You are a deceiver with care in your eyes. You are bad and I will not bring you to your feet when you come crawling in need. I have spent far too many days crying over damaged goods and broken men. I will not waste one more tear drop on someone like you. I will not care one more minute for someone like you. I will not throw away one more wish to be loved by someone like you. I will only pity someone like you. I will only pity the pathetic.

A Fleeting Moment

I was walking through the park with a melody drifting in my head. It was nice to be alone and not feel the need to match another's step. The grass was green, the sky was blue, the air was sweet. For so long I had forgotten the taste of a warm summer's day upon my skin. A smile played across my lips and my eyes danced along the faces of laughter, love, life. My eyes danced along these faces when they came to rest upon yours. I had not seen you since the bittersweet end of a bitter cold winter. I know it is a cliché thing to have done but my breath did stop. You were smiling, you were laughing, you were wrapped in her arms. I did not know her face, her eyes, her voice, her. I did not know her but I knew she was not me and in that moment, in that moment I realized I no longer love you. I do not know the feeling that washed down me but I know it was not jealousy. It was not pain. It was not anger. It was not hate. It was not fear. It was not and yet it was. My heart did not yearn for you or ache because yours yearned for another. Instead, my soul cried out because I was alone. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. How did I not see that there is no one left by my side? Not a friend, not a lover, not anyone. Since we went our own ways, I got lost in mine. I got lost in my moving on. I got lost. Then I blinked, just a quick every second blink. And there before my eyes, you no longer stood. My mind, my heart, my soul, they played a trick on me and how they fooled me well. Now as my feet grew into the sidewalk I was more alone than before. I was more alone than before because in that moment when you were, I still had the memory of someone. Yet now that is only an illusion, a child's mind game. Someone brushed past me and I caught the scent of her. She smelled of lilacs and honey. She smelled of what I dream and I wished to be her for surely she was loved. My world was spinning and yet I was falling straight down without a single twist or turn. I was falling and I knew how to stop. I knew the way out. I knew. I know. But I am not in a rush to rescue myself because I have nothing, no one to save myself for. I left the park today and I swear I shall not return until I smell of lilacs and honey.